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Conversations. Those things we all love to have, but so many of us struggle with. Conversations can be daunting, especially if you feel a bit shy or inexperienced talking to new people and keeping the conversation flowing without sounding like a robot.
But don’t stress.
I started from the ground up, from someone who used to be just about as awkward as you can get, to now being someone who has a great social life and has no issue chatting away and feeling great about it.
Therefore, I’m going to share 10 of the most important things I have learned on this journey towards conversational competence and leave out none of the details.
Let’s dive into it.
Practice, practice, practice
There is no way around this one. If you want to become a good conversationalist, you need to practice. Many people who struggle with conversations also tend to avoid them. Of course, this creates a self-perpetuating cycle.
Building conversational competence must be treated as a skill set rather than something we naturally have or don’t have. People who are naturally good conversationalists were raised in environments where they talked a lot.
They developed this ability by putting in the hours. Thousands upon thousands of hours of chatting until they’ve got the art down, more or less (you can always become better).
Therefore, don’t perceive your conversational competence as something you don’t have or can’t. Instead, you need to view it in a way that you haven’t yet acquired competence because you haven’t done it enough.
Therefore, practice!
Every chance you get, practice chatting with people. Luckily, you have many opportunities to practice every day – with friends, your parents, work associates, shop clerks, at events, and so forth.
Talk to people in all situations, from all walks of life, and all backgrounds. Make small talk, try new things, and don’t be afraid to muck up, because you will sometimes.
Ultimately, the more you stretch yourself to converse, the better you will become in the long run. Of course, it becomes easier when you can apply some structure to it, so let’s look at that.
Remember…
- Practice having conversations daily, with as many people as you can
- Stretch yourself by trying new things and increasing your conversational flexibility
Your emotional state matters
In my opinion, probably the most important thing I have learned when it comes to conversation, is that it’s all about the energy. Believe me, this is a game-changer because it’s something we all intuitively know, but can’t put into words.
How you feel means everything. Words are secondary. If you’re super happy and loving life, yet don’t say a word, people will love you. If you’re an expert conversationalist but feel miserable, people won’t want to engage you.
People are like antennas that pick up the energy of others. We intuitively know how someone else is feeling, and respond to it, either consciously or unconsciously.
If you’re a downer and feeling not great, you’ll probably find that people will be much less receptive to you, because they don’t want to be sucked into your negative energy.
On the other hand, if you’re feeling happy, people will sense this, and want a piece of it.
When I started learning just how powerful your vibe is in social interactions, I stopped worrying so much about what to say and focused on being a positive presence in people’s lives.
The result – everyone loved having me around and would often say it to me because I’m an enjoyable person to be around – not because I could make everyone laugh or was a great storyteller, but because I gave off an energy that made people feel good.
With that said you can’t fake it. Don’t pretend to be joyful if you’re not, but do try to enjoy your interactions with others and feel good when you’re having them, and you’ll notice they will reciprocate.
Some takeaways…
- Realize that energy matters more than words, and focus on that
- Positive vibes attract people and negative vibes repel them
- Be authentic and genuinely try to enjoy interactions
and that brings me to the next point.
Level with the person
It’s good to work with the energy levels of the person you’re speaking with because it leads to calibrated emotional states.
Think about it, have you ever been feeling sad because of something, and someone will treat you like you’re at a music festival and not level with you at all? Or if you are having a good time and someone is a downer, how do you feel?
There’s a mismatch in energy levels. This mismatch will create friction, and just make the interaction much less smooth than it could be.
But if you pick up the person’s energy and level with them, it’s going to make a much better emotional connection.
If someone is in a low-energy state, then it’s best not to be rowdy or overly excited. Likewise, if someone is feeling excited, naturally feel into it and reflect it. If they’re ticked off because of something, recognize it and take a softer approach.
Match the energy, and you’ll find that the conversation will be much more aligned.
That means…
- Identify the person’s emotional state
- Match their energy levels to connect emotionally
- Be congruent in your mannerisms and behaviors
Body language is king
Okay, it’s not just about eye contact. Your body language in general plays a big role in conversations. In fact, weak, skittish body language can instantly break an interaction, because it signals something very important…
That you’re not a high-value person.
And of course, first impressions mean a huge deal. Think about it. If you meet someone who is hunched over, barely makes eye contact, speaks with a shakey voice, and gives you a flaccid handshake, you probably know from the get-go that they’re not someone you want to be hanging around with.
Nothing wrong with them, they’re just signaling that they don’t add social value, or are someone who would be fun to speak to.
But on the other hand, if someone makes strong eye contact, has great posture, a resonating voice, and gives a firm handshake, it gives you an entirely different message.
So you need to be aware of your body language, and make sure you’re someone who projects confidence and power because people will certainly recognize it, consciously or unconsciously, and want a piece of you.
Therefore…
- Maintain strong eye contact and initially give a warm, gentle smile
- Have good posture, shoulders back, chest forward, and relax your muscles
- Try to speak with a consistent tone of voice, avoiding shakiness if possible
- Give a warm, fully interlocked handshake and hold for a couple of seconds before releasing
Use a good conversation opener
How you open the conversation is important because the initial question sets the tone. You can make or break a potential friendship from the first interaction, so you want to get off to a good start.
Saying something like “Hey, nice to meet you” doesn’t give the opening much impact. Saying something like “That’s a unique jacket, where did you get it from” is much more likely to make a strong impression and get the conversation rolling.
So start your conversations with a bang, and make sure you put your best foot forward.
If you’re able to make someone feel good, such as joy by making a compliment or making them laugh by making a joke, you’re setting the stage for a good interaction.
That’s because people hear the same things so often that they tend to drown it out. As Tinder may have taught us, just saying hi or how are you won’t win the cake.
But don’t worry too much about it. I open with generic conversation starters like “How’s it going” all the time. I just try to make the conversation somewhat interesting quickly, knowing that it will burn out quickly if no emotions are stimulated.
So…
- Start strong if possible
- Aim to stimulate an emotion or pick the person’s interest
- Relax, normal openers are still fine if you can’t think of anything else
Ask open-ended questions
Ask open-ended questions to give the other person the opportunity to speak more. If you ask yes/no questions, you’re going to get yes/no answers. There’s not much space for you to steer the conversation there without abruptly, and probably awkwardly changing course.
Therefore, ask questions where the person can’t give a 2-second response. For example, asking someone “What they have been up to today?” is better than asking “How is your day going?”
Likewise, It’s a two-way street.
If you often respond with close-ended responses, you’re crippling your chances to have an interesting conversation. If someone asks you how your day was, donโt respond with a one-word answer. Instead, briefly describe your day and finish with a question.
I suggest that you pay attention to your responses and push yourself to speak a little more than you usually do. Make sure you’re throwing enough conversational threads out there so they can keep the conversation rolling with ease.
With that said…
- Avoid asking questions that can be answered in a few words
- Ask questions that encourage thought and opinion
- Generally ask a question when you finish speaking
Be completely present
This goes without saying, if you pay attention, you’re going to give better responses.
This can be a bit tricky as sometimes our minds wander. I get it, I used to be a shocking listener, but what a world of difference attentive listening makes!
It’s important to focus your attention solely on the conversation. This means not preemptively thinking about your response, multitasking, or letting your mind drift when someone is speaking.
You need to be completely engaged. As soon as you start thinking about something else, your attention will lapse.
Therefore, practice the skill of active listening because you need to pay attention to what’s being said. If you’re not paying attention, you’re going to miss all the conversational threads and have nothing to talk about.
Some takeaway notes…
- Avoid distractions
- Don’t divide your attention or think about other things
- Don’t plan your response while the person is talking
Give them the conversational spotlight
One of the best things you can do in a conversation is to put all of your attention on that person. This was one of the most important lessons I learned about dealing with others, and it makes such a difference.
Most people are starved of attention and love talking about themselves. Nothing wrong with that, we all do it, yet we all tend to compete for recognition.
By making the person you’re talking with the center of attention, they feel great. If they feel great, then they will want more of you, because they’re benefiting from the interaction. They’re being acknowledged and validated, like all of us crave.
Selfish, I know, but we’re all fundamentally wired the same.
Most of us are unconsciously dictated by this powerful desire to feel important, so we seek validation in conversations by aiming to talk about ourselves.
This is why giving the conversation spotlight to the person you’re speaking will make them leave the conversation feeling great. When you recognize the desire to speak about yourself and avoid it, you put yourself ahead of 90% of people.
In saying that…
- Avoid talking about yourself unless asked
- Avoid seeking recognition or approval
- Focus the conversation on the person and aim to make them feel heard
But to do this, you need to…
Show curiosity
Curiosity is a two-hit wonder, here’s why.
If you are genuinely curious, you’re going to ask more questions, probe, and show interest in what the other person is saying. This helps you stay engaged and also helps steer the conversation.
When you aren’t curious, naturally, you won’t ask many questions (or care about the answer). Therefore, you’ll find that the conversation will die out very quickly.
I’m not saying to fake it. You don’t need to be curious about everyone and every topic, because naturally, we won’t resonate with certain things. And that’s fine. But at least trying to learn from the person makes a big difference.
The way I see it is that everyone is an expert in something, and there’s something we can learn from all. Try to learn something new from every person you meet by probing a little bit and listening.
With that said, people love to feel like they matter.
When you are genuinely curious about the person’s life and want to know more, most people feel flattered. Everyone loves talking about themselves, so showing genuine curiosity is a game changer.
- Be genuinely curious to learn about the person and their interests
- Treat people as open books that you can learn a lot from
- Ask questions regularly, and follow up on those questions
Don't be a robot
Remember that one high school teacher who spoke in an unbearably monotonous voice, putting you to sleep quicker than anesthesia?
Well, what exactly did it?
It’s because there was no excitement in his voice, no passion. Everything they said blurred together into a heap of bland, robotic information. So how do you think it comes across to others when you speak without enthusiasm or vigor?
This is why you need to make sure your conversations are dynamic.
This means to include a range of tones, paces, and emotions. Let your feelings be reflected in your speech. Show excitement, enthusiasm, and even anger if something is pressing your buttons. Laugh, express sadness, and use facial expressions and gestures to compliment what you’re saying.
Talk about things that are intriguing, moving, touching, and bring the person you’re talking with through a rollercoaster. Add some personality to the conversation and everyone’s going to have a much better experience.
Let’s wrap up…
- Express emotions when you’re speaking
- Make your conversations dynamic and stimulate different emotions
- Mix up your speech with various tones, paces, and energy levels
Be authentic
Whatever you do, don’t try to imitate other people or act in a way that isn’t congruent with your own style. Authenticity makes you stand out from the crowd, and when you learn to step into it, you will realize that individuality is a superpower.
That’s because you always have something unique that nobody else can offer.
However, when you’re trying to be someone else or act in a way that isn’t you, you also lose that edge. Suddenly you become an Etsy version of a generic archetype.
You’re inauthentically being generic, that’s like a lose-lose.
People can always tell when you’re being yourself, vs putting on an act to fit in. Pretending to have a different persona because you’re trying to make a good impression looks crummy.
But I get it.
You might not love how you present yourself or carry a conversation, which is why you try to be different. But instead of trying to be someone else, lean into your strengths.
For example, if you’re generally quite shy or reserved, don’t force yourself to speak a lot, make jokes, and be as upbeat as other people, just because it’s the norm. Rather step into your authentic self, and be centered.
Therefore…
- Learn to value authenticity and your unique persona more than ‘being normal’
- Play on your strengths and differences, don’t cancel them out
- Embody your natural self more
Find common ground
Conversations tend to flow naturally when we hit on subjects that we’re genuinely interested in.
Think about it, you might be having a robotic and clunky conversation with someone, but when you touch on a subject that you’re both interested in, the conversation seems to flow. Suddenly you have a ton to talk about because you’re genuinely interested in it.
Therefore, go into conversations to find common ground. This could relate to your hobbies, interests, work, beliefs, values, and so forth.
If you have nothing in common, then naturally the conversation probably won’t be very enjoyable as you won’t be able to connect with the person.
And that’s okay, you don’t need to click with everyone, but do seek out common interests by asking questions and navigating the conversation in the direction of your interests.
Now…
- Seek out mutual interests when conversing with someone
- Veer the conversation towards something you think they may be interested in
Go with the flow
Let the conversations flow naturally. That means you should work with the conversation rather than trying to memorize points, change topics,
By forcing the conversation to go in a particular direction, youโre disrupting the flow which can make the conversation abrupt, uncomfortable, and awkward.
Instead, just let it move naturally by following the path of least resistance. To learn more about how to do this, and to get your mind in the right headspace, I suggest you read the article below.
Conversation topics can be difficult to generate for many people. To many people, they come naturally and the conversation continues rolling effortlessly. But to others, they are complicated beyond measure.
Most of us have been there. Sitting awkwardly side-by-side with someone else, while fumbling to get words out and struggling to keep things rolling. The awkward-o-meter begins rising. Before you know it, the other person politely bows out of the interaction, to never be seen again.
Before you have built up experience and confidence with other people, itโs common to run out of topics and not know what to talk about.
Thenโฆ
- Donโt force the conversation because you feel pressured
- Allow the conversation to organically flow into new topics without directing it too much
Embrace awkward silences
Ahh, awkward silences. We spend our lives trying to avoid those dreaded things, yet no matter how good you are as a conversationalist, you will always have them. Even if you don’t, do you want to spend your life with that burden, that silence always has to be filled, or will you (and others) feel uncomfortable?
Don’t get me wrong, you do want to try to avoid awkward silences when you can, but don’t be afraid of them. It’s a massive superpower when you can remain collected and unphased during silence, and it puts other people at ease too.
Therefore, don’t be so quick to fill in the silence when a conversation comes to a temporary halt. Don’t whip out your phone or call it a night. Just stay grounded, breathe, and radiate that calming energy by remaining in your center, unphased that there is nothing to talk about.
When you have something to say, simply say it without commenting on the silence, almost like it never happened.
In my view, embracing awkward silence is a game changer. When people see that you lean into awkward silences without feeling pressure or angst, you will begin to radiate this feeling of calmness that is refreshing. Other people will notice that you’re like a rock, and will vicariously feel at ease too.
- Remain calm and unphased when there is a pause in the conversation
- Avoid bending to pressure and ending the conversation
- Realize that the person will pick up your energy
End on a high note
Instead of feeling awkward and ending the conversation when it comes to a natural halt, end conversations on a high note. When closing it, it’s good to say something that stimulates a pleasant emotion or makes them feel good as it ends.
Ending on a high note leaves a good taste in everyone’s mouth, and they’re much more likely to want to converse with you again.
You can do this simply by complimenting them and saying “It was great meeting you, but I’ve got to get going” or “I have really enjoyed our discussion, but I need to make a move”.
Having said that, apply these 15 conversational tips as soon as you can in every conversation you have. As long as you practice, you will naturally build up this skillset very quickly, and become a great conversationalist in anyone’s eyes.