Symbosity

Category: Inner Healing

Inner healing explores all the facets of healing ourselves, whether it be emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. Here we look at what it takes to become a happy and healthy individual who thrives, and how you can take steps to heal.

  • Self-Integration: The Important Pathway To Inner Wholeness

    Humans are inherently divided creatures, often caught in a perpetual inner conflict – Not always with the world around us, but within ourselves. The biggest wars rage on within us, battling with our minds, our demons, our traumas, our emotions, and our thoughts. Imagine if the energy spent on internal warfare was directed to a common goal. How much easier would life be?

    As long as we’re in a constant state of conflict, we’re not efficient. Not only are we inefficient, but we also stir up a lot of negativity and reduce our quality of life. Imagine stepping on the gas while bogged in the mud. All you’re going to do is burn out because there’s an underlying issue that needs to first be resolved.

    Well-being is an ecosystem, therefore when one component is dysfunctional, it brings down the entire collective. Disintegration is caused by denial, resistance, and suppression. Sometimes we disintegrate consciously, and at other times it’s an unconscious process.

    This is why self-integration is a crucial stepping stone for anyone on a personal growth journey. Without it, you’re going to spin your wheels and exhaust yourself doing so. You will spend your energy on internal conflict rather than working together to progress your life.

    Therefore, it’s important to find a balance amongst all dimensions of your life experience, external and internal, to discover inner stability and equanimity. It is only from here that you can feel the way you deserve – whole.

    What does it mean to be self-integrated

    Self-integration

    Self-integration means finding balance within all aspects of your life by integrating the neglected parts of you and perceiving every aspect of yourself as an integral facet of the collective. Self-integration is the core objective of shadow work, and we can’t live life to its fullest if we only half show up.

    Think of self-integration as the process of harmonizing different aspects of yourself including your thoughts, emotions, values, and behaviors into a cohesive whole. Harmonizing yourself allows you to thrive in all dimensions of your life without ignoring, suppressing, or denying who you are.

    Unless all parts of you are oiled up and the gears are spinning smoothly, your life experience will fundamentally lack in some way. If one gear is jammed, it will disrupt the entire system.

    For example, if your emotional health is fine but your social life sucks, this leads to an unbalanced life. While a lopsided life experience may not be your primary concern, a poor social life will adversely affect your emotional health, even though seemingly unrelated on the surface level.

    Think about it this way… if your arm is broken but the rest of your body is fine, you can’t get on with your day and focus on what’s going well. I mean, you can try, but it probably won’t translate the way you think it will. Your arm is a part of your body, so the whole body suffers if one part of your body is dysfunctional.

    Often we live our lives broken, neglected, traumatized, and unbalanced. We don’t like particular parts of ourselves, and we suck at other things, so instead of fixing what’s broken we focus on what’s not.

    This is not a good idea because you need to view yourself as a collective.

    Being self-integrated means being unified in all aspects of your life, internal and external. This means your mind isn’t scattered, nor have you abandoned any part of yourself as a result of conditioning or influence. You love all areas of your life experience and thrive within them because each area compliments one another, rather than competes.

    Being disintegrated causes problems because each aspect of yourself competes rather than work in synergy. Each part of you functions as an individual rather than a team which leads to imbalance, conflict, and turmoil.

    Imagine a project team where each team member pursues their own goals without considering the overall objectives of the project. Instead of collaborating synergistically, they end up working against each other. Tasks are duplicated, deadlines are missed, and overall productivity suffers because each individual is focused solely on their interests rather than the collective success of the team.

    Your mind and emotions work the same way. When there is no cohesion, you end up being fragmented. Self-disintegration can lead to all sorts of issues in your life including:

    • Mental health issues: Self-disintegration often leads to mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, instability, and inner turmoil.

    • Poor decision-making: A disintegrated sense of self can impair your decision-making abilities. You may struggle to make choices that align with your true values and desires or feel conflicted when making decisions.

    • Relationship problems: Self-disintegration can cause you to project your inner conflicts onto others which leads to conflicts. This instability can also make it difficult to form and maintain healthy relationships.

    • Lack of direction: When you are not in touch with your core values, you may struggle to find purpose, or have clarity on where you’re going in life. This can lead to feelings of aimlessness and a lack of motivation.

    • Low self-esteem: A fragmented sense of self often results in low self-esteem. You may feel inadequate or unworthy, and constantly compare yourself to others rather than focusing on yourself.

    • Inconsistent behavior: Self-disintegration can cause inconsistent behavior and an incongruency in your behaviors and attitudes. You might have mood swings or act differently depending on the context, which isn’t in alignment with your true feelings.

    • Increased vulnerability to external influences: Without self-integration you are more susceptible to external influences. This can lead to adopting beliefs, behaviors, and lifestyles that are not truly aligned with your authentic self.

    • Chronic stress and burnout: The inner conflict and instability caused by self-disintegration can lead to chronic stress. Constantly grappling with a fragmented self can be exhausting, leading to burnout and overwhelm.

    • Impaired productivity: Self-integration is essential for productivity. Self-disintegration can make it difficult to innovate, perform effectively, or pursue passions.

    • Spiritual disconnect: If you’re on a spiritual path, self-disintegration can result in a feeling of disconnect from your beliefs and practices. This can lead to a lack of fulfillment in their spiritual journey.

    How do people become disintegrated?

    Accepting your imperfections for self-integration

    Disintegration often happens during childhood with conditioning as you adopt certain beliefs, behaviors, and norms, and chop off all the bits sticking out to fit into this ideal. Without awareness of these adopted or reinforced beliefs, they root deeper into your subconscious and manifest into more severe problems.

    For many years, I hated who I was. I hated my skinny figure and buck teeth that were ridiculed in school. I hated my social skills – not knowing the slightest thing about talking with others or dating. It wasn’t until the end of high school that I hit a tipping point. Something must change because I was getting sucked into this pit of despair, and things weren’t looking up either.

    So, I learned to develop a persona. Over the next few years, I gobbled down every personal development book I could find and started acting the part. I learned to play the game – that was to act in a way that aligned with who I wanted to be, but it wasn’t who I wanted to be…

    Over the years, I became pretty good at it too. I became so good at wearing a mask of confidence and positivity, that I forgot how out of alignment it was with my true self. A deeper, wiser part of me was telling me to chill out and be congruent, but another part of me – driven by my desperation to be normal, wanted nothing to do with the person I once was.

    So there was inner conflict.

    I found myself living a better life, at least a life I thought I desired, but at the same time, I wasn’t feeling any happier. I still felt desperate. I still felt like I was lacking, and that something was fundamentally wrong with me.

    The truth is that I abandoned a part of myself to fit into this box of who I should be. I discarded the traits and characteristics that were authentically me, in an attempt to crawl out of this hole.

    It wasn’t until later on that I began reintegrating the abandoned aspects of myself, to find a happier balance. One where I developed the skills I needed to thrive, but I was also comfortable being myself.

    Self-integration is to find a happy balance within your identity and to act in alignment with your true identity, not a mask. If you wear a mask, you form a shadow self, which is the neglected side of you that longs for recognition, but never sees the light of day.

    Someone might be strong and assertive, but rude and lack compassion. Another person might be kind and loving, but timid and insecure. Some people will be highly logical, but not even remotely intuitive, and vice versa. Likewise, others might be overserious or overplayful without finding the right balance between them.

    Even though some positive qualities are prevalent, they either overshadow or oppress others. This makes you a lopsided person who fares well in some things but lacks in others.

    This is what self-integration is – to feel balanced amongst all dimensions of your life experience. No neglecting, no overcompensating. You’re a functional person who isn’t missing any core ingredients to create a wholesome human experience.

    You want the full package.

    You want wholeness, and to get it you need to find equilibrium in your identity, thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. This is a process and not a single act. Everyone can become more integrated.

    Why you need to be aware of self-disintegration

    Disintegration can occur from being pressured to ignore or suppress aspects of yourself. To self-integrate, you need to first recognize what you are good at, and what you aren’t.

    By identifying your strengths and weaknesses, you will know what to integrate. Identifying traumas, painful memories, and characteristics that have been repressed is the first step toward self-integration.

    Perhaps you were told to be tough as a child, so you repressed feelings of anger and sadness. Children are often shunned for expressing themselves, and this results in them suppressing aspects of their identities.

    Children are especially vulnerable to disintegration because they have a lot of pressure to fit in. Until conscious efforts are made to heal, the individual will not have an integrated sense of self until they start working on themselves.

    Sometimes boys are told that they must be tough or grown up. Due to this, they block out their feminine nature and become disintegrated. They become unevenly balanced with masculine characteristics which can evolve into toxic masculinity; a lack of empathy and understanding, and an aversion to anything deemed feminine, even though a healthy individual must have a balance of both masculine and feminine characteristics.

    Likewise, a girl who is told to be more ladylike might comply, but this is at the sacrifice of other natural characteristics that they have, which causes her to disintegrate.

    Someone might feel pressured to fit in with peers and disregard their gifts and natural abilities. Instead of finding equilibrium, they suppress elements of themselves that don’t immediately serve their social relationships. Of course, disintegrating aspects of yourself might have helped you in the immediate future, but in the long run, this causes problems.

    Becoming aware of your suppressed characteristics and what you lack is the first step towards integration. Once you recognize the characteristics that are out of balance, you can begin integrating the authentic characteristics that were once cut out of the picture.

    How to become more self-integrated

    Man reflecting on his life

    First off, you need to stop judging the traits, characteristics, and beliefs you deem to be inferior. As long as you judge aspects of yourself, these characteristics are going to remain hidden, otherwise, you will abandon them to fit into the box of who you’re supposed to be.

    On that note, self-acceptance also plays a critical role in self-integration. By being fully present with your experience of consciousness by allowing everything to organically surface (including the thoughts and feelings you don’t want to experience) you will begin a process of integrating your shadows and naturally healing them.

    Accepting your weaknesses might make you feel vulnerable, but have you ever considered that this vulnerability is a good thing? Instead of shoving these aspects under the surface to never be seen by the light of day, perhaps you should self-enquire.

    Why do you feel vulnerable?

    How do these aspects of self cause you to feel vulnerable?

    How can you accept them as a part of self, without perceiving them as a weakness?

    Learn to express yourself fully, in alignment with your authentic self without holding back. This can require some courage, especially if you have been deeply conditioned to be a certain way. It’s not always easy to show your true colors, especially if you never had.

    Healing trauma for self-integration

    Man in therapy

    Self-disintegration can be a mechanism to avoid pain.

    Simply, to integrate yourself, you need to heal yourself. Disintegration often occurs from traumas. When people experience trauma, they split off from aspects of their identity as a protective mechanism.

    We’ve all heard of the cases of individuals developing disassociative identity disorder, where they sacrifice a part of themselves to protect their innocence. One side takes the bullet for the other, leading to an extreme case of disintegration.

    Again, this is an extreme case. Most people won’t develop DID, however, it illuminates what can happen when we become so disintegrated that we don’t recognize the other facets of self at play.

    You may not have had to spit off, but you may have some unaccounted trauma that is impacting a part of your psyche, without realizing it’s there.

    By recognizing the events that caused you to repress aspects of yourself, you can gently encourage them to resurface. By recognizing these wounds, you can understand what sort of effect they have had on you, and in what areas they have caused you to disconnect.

    Self-integration and victimhood

    Pay attention to your emotional reactions and how you feel in different situations. Irrational responses may indicate disintegration. This is the role of a trigger – a mechanism that shows you someone is touching a sore spot.

    In this sense, when someone triggers you, they’re doing you a service. They’re bringing up something that was otherwise hidden from awareness. When you get triggered, you can either project, which is what most people do, or you can reflect by looking into this emotional reaction and trying to identify why you feel so agitated by something so little.

    Over-emotional reactions to things can also indicate that something in you needs to be addressed. This can come in the form of anger, frustration, hatred, resentment, jealousy, sadness, bitterness, and any negative state of mind. Of course, in some situations, it’s completely normal to feel these emotions. This is where you want to recognize if it’s just you, or if everyone else experiences the same thing.

    When you have a strong emotional response to something, explore the pain rather than avoid it. There is no easy way to do this. I suggest meditating and exploring these feelings of pain when they surface, and this may help you flush out unresolved traumas in your life.

    Think back to your childhood and uncover any blockages that you may have had by examining their cause and effect. Remember that the keys to self-integration lie in recognition, acceptance, support, and encouragement.

    The more you practice bringing out your submersed qualities and characteristics, the more well-rounded you will become as a person.

  • Powerful Cord Cutting Technique To Emotionally Disconnect From Something

    Powerful Cord Cutting Technique To Emotionally Disconnect From Something

    Letting go of certain situations can be a long and painful process. The experience may have faded into memory, but often, the concomitant emotions linger, leaving you trapped in the past – Unable to move forward.

    We’re all familiar with the sting of a breakup and the cocktail of emotions that ensue, but letting go of a former partner is just one example. You may need to let go of an opportunity that didn’t materialize, or a job you didn’t land. You might need to let go of a past circumstance like your old house, or the times when everything made sense.

    Energetically, you can stay connected to something well past its use-by date. It’s okay to reminisce on memories or to take your time healing them. But when you get trapped in the past – In Coulds, Woulds, and Shoulds, you’re preventing yourself from moving forward with your life.

    Here I’m going to run you through a powerful cord-cutting technique that helps you energetically disconnect from something that no longer serves you. It’s time to turn a leaf in your life, and this practice will help you do that.

    What is the cord-cutting technique?

    Scissors and yarn

    The cord-cutting technique is a visualization process that helps you sever energetic connections to people, events, and situations.

    If you’re holding onto something from the past, whether it be a person, memory, or idea, it can be difficult to move forward with this baggage weighing you down. This is why it can be helpful to emotionally disconnect – To create the space to heal and move on.

    To explore the topic of emotional baggage and why it needs to go, read the article below:

    I have used the cord-cutting technique many times. I have used it as an aid to let go of a former partner who I felt connected to, but the feelings weren’t mutual. I’ve used it to let go of long-standing resentment after being betrayed by someone who caused me a lot of hardship. In other situations, I didn’t want to hold onto hope, or the heavy feelings I was experiencing – So I cut the cord.

    At first, I didn’t notice a whole lot. But after a few times, I experienced an instant relief – As if the memory withstood, but the emotional response was gone.

    What I’ve learned is that the cord-cutting technique can help you emotionally disconnect from anything. This is good to use with emotions that no longer serve you such as guilt, shame, or regret related to an old wound. But it can also diminish emotions that do serve you like hope, love, and compassion.

    This technique is also useful for healing overattachment issues – When something is occupying too much of your emotional bandwidth.

    Make sure you only use this technique for emotions that no longer serve you – While cultivating emotions, relationships, and energetic connections that do.

    How do you use the technique?

    You instinctively know when you’re energetically connected to something. You have an emotional response when you think of it, it’s in the forefront of your mind, and you just can’t let it go.

    This energetic connection can manifest in different ways depending on the context. You might experience shame related to a past event. It could be the hope of getting back together with an ex-partner, despite knowing it will not (and should not) happen.

    The cord-cutting technique works on the premise that we are all energetically connected, and when you visualize a procedure of severing that cord, the emotional response follows suit.

    I can’t tell you whether it’s simply a trick of the mind, or whether you’re genuinely cutting a cord. However, I’m convinced it’s the latter as the response can be very powerful.

    Signs that you’re energetically connected to something include:

    • You have a strong emotional response towards the thing you’re connected to
    • You have intrusive thoughts about the thing you’re connected to
    • You struggle to let go and move on
    • You don’t have clarity when thinking about alternative pathways without that connection
    • You feel as if you’re spending way too much energy obsessing over that connection
    • You may feel exhausted and burned out
    • You may feel hopeless

    Cord-cutting technique procedure

    For the sake of simplicity, imagine you’re trying to let go of a person and disconnect yourself emotionally from them.

    Don’t rush this process, I suggest spending at least 10 minutes performing it, but take as long as you feel is necessary.

    Here is the process I use:

    Cord cutting technique to emotionally disconnect

    💠Feel into the emotions caused by the person you’re releasing: Focus on the feelings surrounding the situation rather than the thoughts.

    💠Visualize these emotions forming a cord connecting you and this person: Visualize this process in vivid detail. There can either be a single cord connected to the person you want to emotionally disconnect from, or many cords. 

    💠Place intentions that you want to remove this connection for your highest good: If you don’t genuinely want to let them go, you probably won’t. So be authentic with your intent, and declare your intentions.

    💠 Genuinely express gratitude for the person’s service in your life: Make sure you thank the person you’re letting go for their service in your life. It’s better to end on a good note, and this will make it easier to let go.

    💠 Visualize yourself cutting this cord with a knife: Take your time cutting the cord/cords. Imagine some resistance, and put some energy into severing the cord, as if you’re sawing through rope. Focus on the sensations as you cut through the cord. You can use a physical object such as a ceremonial knife to aid the visualization.

    💠 Push the thing away: Once the cord connection you to this person has been severed, take your time pushing them into the horizon – Surrounded by empty space. Once they’re a tiny spec in the distance, pop them through a little hole until they’re completely gone from sight and mind.

    💠Redirect your energy: Sit with this moment of spaciousness and think about what you want to start putting your energy towards. Cement the visualization of what you want in life moving forward.

    💠Repeat until you feel emotionally disconnected: Understand that one session might not completely disconnect you. Especially if you have a very strong emotional connection with this thing, it might take multiple sessions to feel disconnected emotionally from it.

    Don’t cut cords prematurely

    Once you emotionally disconnect from something, it may be difficult to rekindle those emotions. Therefore, it’s wise to wait until you are ready to let go before performing the cord-cutting technique.

    With repeated application of this technique, I’ve found it becomes more effective with each consecutive practice. I’m well aware that when I do it, in most cases I’ll completely disconnect.

    Usually, this is great. Cutting the cord removes the pain and lets me move forward with my life – No strings attached. But there have also been instances where I energetically disconnected prematurely.

    One time after breaking up with someone I was dating, I was in pain – So I did this technique before giving the situation space, processing it, and trying to repair it before moving on. That would have been the wise move – In hindsight.

    Later on, we tried meeting up again, but I didn’t feel anything emotionally for that person anymore. I felt completely disconnected and that the connection could not be rekindled – So I didn’t try.

    I’m not saying this is always the case. I believe emotions can be rekindled in certain situations, but it might take a lot of work. Therefore, make sure you’re ready to let go – Knowing the chances of your situation working out drop off a cliff after using this technique successfully. 

  • The Art of Integrating Your Shadow Self

    The Art of Integrating Your Shadow Self

    Unless you’re an exceptionally integrated person, there’s a part of you that you don’t like.

    This part of you could be anything from particular personality traits to characteristics, attitudes, or behaviors. You may be ashamed of being a sensitive person, so you suck up the tears when something triggers an emotional response. Maybe you were shunned for acting a certain way, and now you believe that particular behavior is wrong.

    In an attempt to be our best selves, we end up repressing aspects of who we are because we feel that we should be better than that.

    And that’s how the shadow self is born: The rotten side of you that you don’t acknowledge. But it’s still there, and it’s always going to be there until you accept it, integrate it, and heal the wounds surrounding it.

    The shadow self is a pretty complex topic, but if you’re on a healing journey, this is something that you need to know. By the end of this article, you’re going to have identified your shadow self and learned how to integrate it for a healthier sense of self.

    What is the shadow self?

    Woman afraid of her reflection

    Shadow work is the act of integrating the shadow self. It’s a healing modality that works on the deeper levels of the subconscious mind (where our sense of self is spit off).

    If you’re not familiar with shadow work, I highly recommend you read my guide to shadow work before moving on with this article. This is important to get a broader idea of what shadow work is, and what the process entails.

    Your shadow self refers to the unconscious parts of your personality that were disowned. Imagine the shadow self as the side of you that you find unacceptable.

    To properly understand the shadow self, we need to explore the multifaceted self. Here are some important terms I’m going to use in this article that you should know:

    • The self: Your human consciousness.
    • The lower self: Your characteristics and traits that are seen as undesirable, or bad. Your worst qualities.
    • The higher self: Your characteristics and traits that you see as desirable, or good. Your best qualities.
    • The authentic self: Your genuine traits, characteristics, and behaviors that are natural to you.
    • Your mask: Your social personality. The person you’re posing to be is usually mimicking your higher self.
    • Your shadow self: Parts of your authentic self that you don’t like, and conceal behind your mask.

    Okay, glad to have cleared that up. Now onto trying to explain this mess…

    Explaining this mess…

    In the perfect world, we would all just be ourselves without labels or judgment, or trying to be someone else. But we’re not in the perfect world. We grow up believing that it’s necessary to have a certain image, so we cut off all the bits sticking out that don’t align with the image prescribed by our parents, culture, and society.

    This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. We should strive to better ourselves and genuinely shift towards our higher selves.

    But the keyword here is genuine.

    For the most part, we take the shortcut. We pretend to be better people (because that’s what we’re supposed to be) without actually being better people. It’s a mask that we wear to the world and ourselves, to convince ourselves that we’re doing good.

    Your mask might be all nice and shiny on the outside, but it’s a lie. Your mask is not your authentic self.

    So instead of healing the wounds associated with your lower self, you paint the higher self over them.

    Don’t worry, we all do it.

    So let’s say you were punished by your parents when you were younger for expressing strong opinions or acting out of line. You grew up internalizing the belief that you can’t speak up and must always be civil in discussions. Therefore, you disowned that firey passionate attitude you once had.

    Later on down the track, you might be quite passive, and not know how to speak up or assert your rights because that belief is now deeply ingrained. But you might find yourself getting triggered when you see other people speaking their truth because it’s illuminating an aspect of yourself that is still well and alive.

    Your shadow is the authentic self that you disowned for whatever reason. You don’t like it, you felt you had to conform, you needed to survive, the reason isn’t important.

    What’s important is to identify the incongruencies between your mask and your authentic self, and that’s the gap your shadow lives in.

    What if your authentic self sucks?

    Good question.

    Often there are aspects of ourselves that we disown because they’re genuinely not good for us. These are usually characteristics that are associated with the lower self. On a personal growth journey, it’s only natural to want to evolve, and so you should.

    But the problem lies in how we evolve.

    Maybe those characteristics are things like aggression, narcissism, self-pity. You could say “These aspects are my authentic self, so does that mean I must be an aggressive, narcissistic, self-pitying asshole?”

    No.

    Attitudes and traits that come from the lower self are caused by wounds. You’re behaving in ways that don’t serve you or anyone else because they’re signaling an issue.

    So if you heal the root cause, then the manifestation of this cause is going to change. Suddenly, you’re not going to be in alignment with that particular quality. You’ll be in alignment with a healthier, healed version of yourself.

    Because the only genuine route to the higher self is through healing. When you heal the problems manifesting the lower self, naturally you will embody your higher self.

    Difference between the shadow self and ego

    Your ego refers to your sense of identity which shapes your self-image. It’s the part of you that navigates reality, which in this sense it’s more akin to your mask.

    The shadow self comprises the unconscious aspects that the ego doesn’t acknowledge. Imagine it as a repository of suppressed emotions, desires, and traits that don’t align with your self-concept.

    While the ego operates in your awareness, the shadow self is the unconscious counterpart influencing your behavior without your realization.

    How the shadow self is born

    Victim mentality

    The shadow self is born by not being congruent with your authentic desires and beliefs. Eventually, you ingrain characteristics that are not congruent with your authentic self, and this causes a separation of self.

    In a nutshell, you act in a different way than how you want, because you’re supposed to. Therefore, you create a polarity between these two sides of you: Being a persona (or mask that you wear), and your authentic self.

    Imagine you grew up in a conservative Christian household where there was a taboo about having romantic relationships. You were led to believe that it’s bad to be intimate with someone, even though you wanted to date. Because of this programming, you repress the side of you that wants to date because you believe it’s not acceptable behavior.

    So you pretend to be someone who’s not authentic with your true self because you’re supposed to be a certain way. But the real you is still alive and kicking in the background.

    Let’s say you value kindness and always strive to be helpful. After all, you know it’s the right thing to do.

    Deep down, on the other hand, you might feel resentful or jealous towards successful people, and people who seem to have life so easy. Therefore, you might feel satisfied when those people experience difficulties, without consciously recognizing that you aren’t genuine with those values of kindness.

    These hostile feelings are likely aspects of your shadow self, and come from a wounded part of you that you never healed. In this sense, shadow work would be the act of exploring that wound and healing it, so you become authentic with those values of kindness, and they’re no longer a mask.

    Forming a shadow self through spiritual bypassing

    Being your best self is important, but it can also be misconstrued.

    When you create an aversion to your lower self, thus a persona of your higher self, this causes disintegration. This is a trap I see many people fall into, especially within the spiritual community.

    You might believe that as a spiritual person, you need to be positive. In some cases, people will block out any feeling that doesn’t align with their version of being highly evolved, because they believe it would be shameful.

    “After all, I’m an advanced spiritual person, I’m beyond ill feelings towards people, all I have is love for everyone.”

    Translation: “I’m insecure and need to live by this image that people should have of me because I don’t feel worthy of love”

    These people become the love and lighters where everything is always positive, but there’s a big ugly stain under the carpet that they’re ignoring. This stain is their shadow self, and as long as they block themselves from feeling human emotions that they disapprove of, they’re not being authentic.

    So the whole positivity thing becomes a facade.

    Forming a shadow self through cultural programming

    Often, the shadow self is a product of cultural programming. Since the culture we live in has a huge influence over how we behave, act, and think, it’s also a great cause of disintegration.

    After all, we all want to fit in. It’s a natural human instinct. But that drive to conform can also suck because we have to discard our differences to fit in the box.

    Hostilities are also a big cause of disintegration, which can come from parents, peers, and work associates.

    When someone is hostile towards a particular trait that you have, you’re likely to feel shame, guilt, or some negative emotion towards that particular trait.

    Say some people at work are rude to you because you’re introverted. You might feel ashamed of being introverted, therefore you try to be more extroverted and disintegrate that authentic characteristic.

    Let’s say your parents reprimanded you for expressing anger – so you became the nice guy. Or how about they got angry at you when you expressed an opinion that they didn’t love, so you were led to believe it was wrong?

    Your shadow is as much a product of your surroundings, as these influences are usually the cause of its disintegration in the first place.

    Identifying your shadow self

    Homeless man

    Now that you’re well aware of what the shadow self is, we’re going to look at how you can identify yours.

    Because that’s the tricky part, it’s unconscious. It hides in the dark because you don’t want to look at its ugly face. Usually, we don’t even know that it exists until we flesh it out, so let’s explore some ways to do that.

    Follow your triggers

    Someone introverted might find loud or obnoxious people triggering. They have a disproportionate emotional reaction to the actual situation because they see aspects of themselves that they wish they had.

    If you wish you were outgoing, you might find outgoing people to be triggering. If you wish you were successful but never created that reality for yourself, you might have hostile feelings towards successful people.

    In my life, there is always a chad. Every workplace seems to have the confident, charming meathead that ladies seem to orbit around. For a long time, these types of people always got on my nerves. Just something about them that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

    It’s not that they were rude. Often they were super nice, which made me hate them even more. Fuck, they’re kind too?! Why can’t I find something that I hate about this person? I hated that.

    Of course, I saw my shadow in these people. I saw an outgoing, confident version of myself who didn’t have self-esteem issues. That sounds dandy and all, what an inspiration, but there was a problem. I wasn’t that person who I knew I could be. Every time I saw this archetype, it reminded me of my shortfalls.

    But that’s my shit. When you recognize that you have a trigger, you can identify a reflection of yourself that you have suppressed. Certain situations bring up a particular trait that you have suppressed (and feel you lack). Therefore, pay attention to your triggers and use them as a quick road to identifying your shadow self.

    Discover if you project

    Projection involves recognizing judgments towards others, which often mirror hidden aspects of your shadow self.

    If you’re critical of other people, it’s probably your way of avoiding being critical of yourself. If you’re being snarky towards someone, I bet you it’s because you have those feelings towards yourself.

    And what does this mean? There’s hidden treasure!

    Not gold or anything like that, but that dark putrid sludge that hasn’t seen the light of day. Like the clump of slimy you pull out of your shower drain when it’s blocking up.

    By examining strong emotional responses that seem uncalled for, you can find suppressed characteristics. This process of self-reflection allows for a deeper understanding of your shadow.

    Identify reoccurring patterns

    Look into the situations that seem to continuously repeat in your life.

    Do you keep getting into toxic relationships? Are you always the underdog? Do people always take advantage of you? What seems to happen without fail in your life, and more importantly, do you wonder why?

    Identifying your reoccurring patterns is a good way to discover aspects of your shadow self. And that shadow self is probably why you unconsciously keep walking into those situations or creating them yourself.

    Discover your shadow archetype

    What I want you to do is imagine the worst possible version of yourself.

    Imagine your life went in a really bad direction, and you became the person you despise. Now paint a vivid picture of this person. What do they look like? What do they do? How do they act?

    I see my shadow archetype as a pathetic beta male who has nothing going on in his life. This is my shadow archetype. I’ve done quite well crafting an adventurous life to get as far away from that reality as possible, because that’s an elephant in the room I’ve never wanted to deal with.

    But why do I have such an aversion to that person, besides the obvious reasons? There are a lot of pathways my life could go down, so why pick that one in particular as my nightmare self? That’s because I have a fear of becoming that person.

    No matter how cool and tough I feel I’ve become, there’s still a part of me that feels like that’s who I am. Since that side of me has been repressed to some extent, at least some of the qualities that I associated with it, that’s what my shadow looks like.

    I need to retrace what qualities I disowned, and either accept them or heal the underlying cause driving them.

    Now think about yours.

    Integrating the shadow self

    Woman smiling at herself in the mirror

    Now that you’ve discovered your shadow self, the next step is to integrate it. This means that you find a healthy balance with your shadow self where you’re not avoidant of it, but you’re also not indulgent.

    You don’t want to become your shadow self. Otherwise, you’re sorta just going in circles. You want to strike a healthy balance where it can be expressed, but it doesn’t control you.

    Be authentic

    Since the shadow self is created by not being authentic to your true self, being authentic is a big step in the right direction. If you have the desire to do something or act in a certain way (as long as it’s in reason), then do it.

    Start being congruent with the personality traits that you have dredged up into your conscious awareness. It might feel a little unnatural at first as you’ve crafted your life around a persona, but by expressing those hidden desires, you’re going to start integrating those shadows.

    So ultimately, be authentic. You can’t get much simpler than that.

    Embrace your shadow

    Avoid self-judgment or harsh criticism of your disowned qualities. You’re likely seeing them through a bias filter.

    Drill in better ways of looking at these particular traits. This may take some reprogramming, but if you stick with it, your perception of those traits will change.

    I visualize myself meeting my shadow self, and giving him a big hug. I spend time with him, hold space for him, and show myself the compassion I never received from others. I find this to be a particularly effective technique that gets me every time.

    Create space for genuine healing

    Now that you’ve brought your shadow self to light, you can properly start healing the underlying causes of characteristics that are harmful.

    If your shadow archetype is the prostitute, going around sleeping with countless people won’t do you any good. If your shadow archetype is the junkie, empowering yourself with as much cocaine as you can handle won’t do it either.

    That’s because these particular characteristics are caused by wounds. You’re just escaping something deeper, so embodying escapism is just going to put you in a loop.

    You want to heal the underlying wounds that cause these behaviors in the first place. With more visibility, these underlying wounds become easier to heal.

    Find a healthy balance

    The delicate dance of shadow work is to integrate these disowned traits without acting on them impulsively.

    This involves acknowledging their presence without allowing them to control your actions. Find healthy ways to express these desires, and don’t overindulge.

    When you strike a good balance, you’ll begin to integrate your shadow self in the best way possible, without allowing it to cause any harm or dysfunction in your life.

  • Ancestral Trauma: Healing the Ancestral Shadows

    Ancestral Trauma: Healing the Ancestral Shadows

    Healing can be a puzzling journey because there is so much ambiguity surrounding the topic. Trauma, wounds, energies, and even entities can play a role. But to add another layer of complication, did you know that trauma also runs through your bloodline?

    Generally speaking, we really know nothing of our ancestry’s influence, or just how much of a role it plays in each individual. There’s a whole lot more than genes that pass through your family tree. From the common hereditary illnesses we acknowledge today, to the more discrete manifestations of trauma such as core shame or self-esteem issues.

    But trauma aside, even seemingly unrelated phenomena are rooted in your ancestry. Although we can overturn the tide, your ancestry determines what characteristics you have, how easily you can make money, what spiritual gifts may come naturally to you, or how efficiently you can help other people.

    That’s because a lineage is a channel of energy. Each channel is unique, and it picks up the experiences of its descendants while passing through. This is why you can have something like abandonment issues without any clear cause, because unknowingly your great grandad was left at the altar. You may have a general distrust of people because someone up the line was betrayed by their platoon.

    Your ancestry has a huge influence over who you are, and what experiences you attract into your life. Maybe you’re aware of how ancestral energies make their way down the chain, maybe this is an entirely new concept to you. Regardless, we’re going to dig into this phenomena now.

    Understanding ancestry: The energetic blueprint of a lineage

    Ancestral trauma

    Ancestral trauma is something that has been a focus of my attention for a while now. While digging into the roots of how we’re all energetically connected, the topic of our ancestry keeps popping up to tie up all the loose pieces.

    Now I’m no expert on the topic, but the more I learn about ancestral trauma, the more it starts to click. Whether we’re talking about the impact that ancestry has on each individual’s makeup or the challenges they’re likely to encounter in this lifetime. We are all born into particular pipelines of energy that have a significant influence on each person’s life experience.

    This isn’t to say that we don’t have free will, because we do. Anyone can carve out whatever life they desire, but we’re born with a set of advantages and disadvantages depending on the lineages we incarnate into. All things are energetic, so it’s not farfetched to believe we carry ancestral energies that attract resonating experiences.

    The influence of ancestry

    As each individual has their own energetic ecosystem, each human collective experiences a shared energetic ecosystem too. Look at the collective of humanity as one energetic umbrella, and then different lineages as separate umbrellas within the universal umbrella.

    Ancestries have their own karmic pools that are shared between the individuals of each collective. Being born into a particular ancestry means that you take on that ancestral karma, as you take on many of the experiences that are unique to that particular ancestry. Likewise, the ancestry that you incarnate into is dependent on the soul contract you made to incarnate into that ancestry.

    Belonging to any ancestry has pros and cons as each lineage has certain characteristics, traits, and karmic footprints. Look at this as part of the homework your soul chose for this lifetime, being the lessons you’ll experience and the challenges you’ll be faced with.

    Someone with a Saudi Arabian royal bloodline is going to have a very different experience from a descendant of an Amazonian medicine tribe. One might naturally gravitate towards influence and wealth, while the other may naturally gravitate towards shamanism, regardless of the time, culture, or demographic they are born into.

    Each ancestry has a different collective energy which translates into things like their society, culture, and what sort of player that bloodline becomes on the world stage.

    Why your ancestry matters

    Today the world has vastly changed, and many people are a mixture of different lineages. In a way, each ancestral energy has become diluted with other ancestral energies. If you have a small percentage of ancestry from a particular aboriginal tribe in Australia, those energies still affect you, but they are likely overpowered by your more dominant bloodline.

    Some bloodlines will be natural healers, and in the modern age, the souls born into that ancestry tend to gravitate towards careers where they help others. Some lineages will be more inventive, or more adventurous, or tend to become influential people who have a lot of social status. Some lineages will be natural mediums, or perhaps work with certain energies and spirits.

    Even though we are all individuals, ancestries on the world stage act like single organisms. If you imagine the world as a schoolyard, lineages are like the students. By realizing what sort of student your collective is, you can utilize your strengths and better navigate this world.

    Although external influences such as your immediate family and the culture you were raised in play a huge role in your life, we tend to underestimate how much of an influence our ancestry has over the experiences we manifest.

    This is why it’s important to know your ancestry because many of the things that you experience in life are related to your ancestry.

    Understanding ancestral trauma and collective wounds

    The ancestral shadow collective trauma 1

    As we are all connected on an energetic level, this means that the trauma experienced throughout humanity is also shared amongst humanity. If the collective is a body, events like genocides are the act of wounding this body that we collectively share.

    On some level, all of humanity feels the major events. But when a major event is isolated to a particular lineage, everyone who is a part of that lineage will be deeply affected. These wounds will manifest in different ways amongst all the descendants of that lineage until the wound has been healed by the descendants.

    This collective trauma manifests in different ways. We might not notice a direct cause and effect between what we experience and what happened to our ancestors, but it probably explains why humanity as a whole has so many issues. That’s because we have deeply wounded ourselves, and we have a lot of ancestral trauma to heal.

    The manifestation of this trauma may emerge in depression rates, anxiety, domestic violence, murder, rape, and so forth. As I explain in the articles linked below, trauma leeks out in other forms via manifestations. This works on a collective scale too.

    The ancestral shadow of the world’s indigenous

    Let’s look at the world’s indigenous as an example of ancestral trauma. 

    In most cases, colonization crippled the indigenous beyond repair. Even though most of the world’s indigenous still have difficulties for obvious reasons, there is also a lot of ancestral trauma that adds insult to injury. This ancestral trauma runs extremely deep, especially in areas where the indigenous were mostly wiped out or enslaved.

    Slowly around the world, we are starting to see a resurgence of indigenous and their culture within the framework of Western civilization. More people are taking an interest in traditions such as ceremonies, their healing modalities, philosophies, and cultural values that were buried long ago.

    Many of the world’s indigenous are healing, so the projection of the collective consciousness is reflecting it. As healing continues to be done, indigenous culture will become more prominent, as will their values and traditions.

    Modern manifestations of ancestral trauma

    The African Slave trade was a big part of the world at one point. Many nations participated in this practice, and because of that, many lineages were deeply wounded. Since this ancestral trauma has never been fully healed, there are still wounds that anyone who shares this ancestry has.

    Besides other social and historical influences that are still at play, poverty rates are high for African descendants in general, in most countries. Likewise, generally, there are more cases of substance abuse and violence compared to other ethnicities. This isn’t because of the culture or people themselves, or necessarily because they’re still discriminated against. It’s because there’s a gaping unhealed wound within the ancestral energy.

    This phenomenon occurs because the historic events that targeted these ethnicities left deep wounds that still haven’t fully healed. So these wounds manifest in other forms throughout the collective ancestry. They will continue to be regardless of any interventions because the wound is still there. Slapping on a Band-Aid won’t do much good.

    Of course, this is just one example. There is also deep ancestral trauma of the Jewish people from World War 2, and of Cambodians who suffered at the hands of the Khmer Rouge. The descendants carry this trauma, and it affects them one way or another.

    Collective healing

    When you heal yourself, you’re also healing the collective. Even though humanity has a lot of collective trauma, we have also done a lot of healing. So let’s give ourselves some credit.

    Every person who has practiced shadow work is vicariously working on the collective too. Every ceremony is also healing the collective. Every form of spiritual healing, meditation, and breathwork is again… healing the collective.

    Of course, there’s a lot of trauma that needs to be healed (and there’s always more trauma occurring), so it’s going to take humanity a while, but we are moving the needle in the right direction. As long as we continue healing ourselves and helping other people, we are making a dint in the collective, and the collective will reflect it.

    With that said, the more people who make healing a priority, the better the world becomes. Healing yourself is a selfless act because you’re doing your part for the collective. As the collective heals, everyone within the collective vicariously benefits from that healing.

    Addressing generational trauma

    The impermenance of life

    The unresolved issues that your parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents faced were likely passed down the bloodline.

    If someone up the line had heavy trauma that they never dealt with, guess what? That trauma will be passed on to their kids. If those kids never end up dealing with those issues, they too will pass that trauma down the chain to their kids (along with their own trauma).

    Therefore, when it comes to generational trauma, there is an accumulation effect. What you experience as a result of these unhealed traumas might not be a direct effect, but there will be a related manifestation. This is a big reason why so many people seem to have so many issues without any clear cause. You’re probably no exception.

    This doesn’t mean you should play the blame game because that doesn’t help. The older generations weren’t very aware of healing, or the importance of it. For the most part, there was a very different cultural mentality, which was to suck it up and get on with it. Maybe this coping mechanism worked, but it often left the wound unhealed, which means it passed on to the next generation.

    So let’s look at how generational trauma might translate into the younger generations.

    If someone died in labor, this might translate into fertility issues in her offspring. If your grandfather lived with severe PTSD, you might have an addictive personality (coping) or anxiety due to this unhealed trauma. If each consecutive generation seems to be more messed up than the previous, it’s because they’re carrying our burden.

    Not to say that you shouldn’t take accountability for your issues, because you absolutely should. But it’s also important to work on the trauma that was passed down to you. That doesn’t seem fair right? In some ways, it’s not. But then again, you chose this life due to your karma, so you are experiencing it for a reason.

    Problems never just go away. Not even through death. If you don’t deal with your wounds, then others will have to carry that burden.

    Tracing your ancestral trauma

    It’s important to learn about your ancestry, because issues that you experience may be connected to events that happened generations ago. For many of us, our ancestry is something that hides in the shadows. For the most part, we don’t care about it because we think it carries no significance in our lives today.

    We don’t know what our great-grandparents went through, or what difficulties they faced. Most of us don’t know our heritage, or what lineages we’re descendants of. Because we don’t know what happened to our ancestors, we can’t trace our issues back, or find the root cause of them.

    Everyone carries some sort of ancestral trauma because we all have long lines of ancestry. The more healing that every member of your family has done before you, the less ancestral trauma you’ll take on yourself. Maybe you’ll even have a clean slate, but if you’re like most, you will need to do some healing.

    This is why it’s so important for us to all heal because together we all dip into the collective. If all of us focus on releasing the baggage we’re carrying, the future generations will benefit enormously.

    If a family line has been healed, then there will no longer be illness within newer generations, full stop. There will be no genetic illness, no dementia, no disabilities of any kind. All these things are manifestations of unresolved trauma in the ancestry, so if the healing is done, future generations will have a clean slate coming into this world.

    Breaking the chain

    You must break this chain. Whether it’s a long line of alcoholism, depression, insomnia, paranoia… You are the chain breaker. You are on this planet to turn a leaf, to make a difference, to heal the past.

    Even though this trauma was never you’re to take, it is your responsibility to work on it. If you spend your life swallowing your trauma and merely coping with it, that trauma will be passed on. But if you decide to do the healing, not just for yourself but for future generations, then you are making a difference.

    We all have a lot of work to do because, for the most part, our ancestors are still very much wounded. But this is where the tide turns, with every one of us who decides to be a warrior of humanity. If we all just do a little healing, it makes a huge difference.

  • Ready To Unleash Your Inner Dragon? Here’s How!

    Ready To Unleash Your Inner Dragon? Here’s How!

    The world will knock you down sometimes, and it’s going to hurt. You will lose hope and you will feel like giving up, but there’s an untapped power hidden within those desperate times that you can learn to harness. We often call this untapped power the inner dragon.

    At your lowest moments you have nowhere to go, there is nobody to help. So where do you turn? You turn to yourself, to the deepest part of your soul that’s yearning for transformation, strength, and empowerment. Certain situations grant us a doorway to a powerful spiritual energy we understand as dragon energy.

    So let’s look at how you can awaken your inner dragon and unleash its potential.

    What is the inner dragon?

    Depiction of a Naga (Hindu mythological dragon)

    The inner dragon is a metaphor that refers to an untapped power, or potential that lies dormant inside every one of us. People often use this term colloquially, but there’s a deeper truth to it that we seldom realize because dragon energy is a real spiritual energy. It’s something we can tap into, granting us divine spiritual power.

    Realizing this inner power is commonly known as awakening the inner dragon while channeling it is often called unleashing the inner dragon.

    In the spiritual framework, dragons aren’t just fictional creatures, but they’re real, intelligent deities that represent power and protection. They may not be physical creatures that exist here in this realm, but rather they’re ancient souls, or spirits that have woven their way into the fabric of almost every civilization, culture, and mythology on Earth.

    It’s no coincidence that all cultures around the globe have depictions and symbolism of dragons, since the dawn of humanity. That’s because people, regardless of race, background, or spiritual beliefs have tapped into these ancient energies to receive information, power, and strength.

    It’s said that dragons are cosmic creators and highly respected beings in the spiritual dimensions – who play a role in awakening consciousness and activating spiritual knowledge. So how do people tap into this powerful energy?

    Well, there are different ways.

    Some of us learn to awaken the inner dragon through meditation, ritual, or ceremony. Sometimes people tap into these energies when they’re at their lowest, praying for a light to shine on, or seeking guidance to get through the hard yards. Then some people have an innate connection with this energy and can access it more naturally.

    How to unleash the inner dragon

    Unleash the inner dragon

    Often during times when we are gravely struggling, we can open a portal so to speak to a powerful energy called dragon energy. Dragon energy can replenish us with motivation, inspiration, endurance, and raw strength to work through the situation.

    This energy is exemplified in the mother who lifts a car off her child due to sheer willpower. It’s exemplified in people who are completely broken and defeated, discovering a deeper drive that propels them to completely transform their lives, because failure is not an option.

    During these moments, we seem to take on superhuman strength – as if we’re channeling an energy that transcends material reality, enabling us to do incredible things. We channel power from a spiritual well – a dragon – to help us through certain situations, for power, and spiritual activation.

    It’s a powerful force of dedication and strength that can be harnessed when you’re at your lowest. The decision you make when you’re on your knees begging for some rope is one of the best decisions you will make – because it activates something powerful.

    And I’m not just talking about thinking it and cerebrally making a decision, but rather it’s a feeling – an energy that you tap into. If you’re looking to change your life, you need to realize that those desperate times are your fuel. They are what drive serious transformation, as long as you harness those moments and use them to propel forward.

    Part of the big downfalls in life is to teach you what you don’t want your life to be. These downfalls shift your alignment towards what you want to create. Learn what you don’t want your life to be, and realize that you must bring change into it. It’s this realization that leads to true empowerment.

    Fueling the engine

    Self-belief is a key to creating the life you want. If you don’t believe in yourself, it’s simply not going to happen. But don’t let this get you down because self-belief is something you cultivate.

    You need to believe that you can achieve what you want to achieve. Logically, why can’t you? Many people in this world who came from nothing have created amazing lives for themselves (and other people). Many successful people have been in much worse situations than you.

    So you tell me, what separates you from these people? Why can’t you acquire the skills, abilities, and characteristics that you need? Is success written in your DNA? Are you cursed from the get-go? Because maybe I’m just an optimist, but I can’t think of why you can’t become the person you need to, to create the life you want.

    Think of some reasons why you can’t be the person you want to be. After giving it some good thought, analyze your answers. Think if other people in that situation have become successful. Now think about the qualities, characteristics, and skills you need to develop, to create the life you want.

    Hack out the pathway

    If you can’t even see your ideal life, you’re shooting in the dark. Of course, you’re not going to get there because you have no vision. This is why it’s extremely important to define what a good life means to you.

    Is it living in a tropical paradise, connecting with community and friends while your money works for you? Is it being a powerful influence in the world that people look up to, or perhaps bringing some serious positive change to society in some form?

    Visualization is a powerful tool that you should harness to illuminate the pathway forward. If you’re regularly dreaming about a better life, one way or another, you’re going to start seeing the details required to make it happen.

    This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t be present with your life experience for where it currently is. But when you desire something enough, especially if it’s something that makes you feel like you’re moving towards a bigger picture, naturally you’re going to spend some time marinating in those thoughts.

    You will feel the sensations of that reality. You will picture every little step it takes to get there. You will feel the emotions and imagine every obstacle that you need to overcome. This is a crucial component of manifestation, and it’s going to make a big difference.

    If you had a billion dollars, what would you be doing with your life? What would your life look like? Where would you be, what would you invest it in? Imagine this scenario like it has happened, and feel into it. What sort of life makes you feel the most fulfilled?

    Step on the gas

    Once you have illuminated the path, you need to take action. I don’t mean trying for a week and giving up. I’m not talking about doing bits and pieces here and there until your life situation becomes tolerable. You need to gain momentum by pushing forward, as hard as you can.

    When you’re at your lowest moments, keep your foot on the gas. Research, learn, build yourself, apply your knowledge, and do everything in your power to move the needle. This desperation will act as a generator. Once things look up a little, keep your foot on the gas.

    When things start unfolding in your life, keep your foot on the gas. I mean it, don’t stop just because things are going well. You need to keep steamrolling through. If the universe gives you an inch, take a mile.

    You need to be consistent, and every day chip away at your dreams. Every day move the needle. It will become a habit, and it will feel good because you’re moving towards something that lights you up.

    Embrace transformation

    As you throttle forward into your higher power, you will face more challenges.

    Some of these challenges will easily be overcome, others will bring you back down. There will be times when you’ll battle with feelings of despair, hopelessness, and doubt, but you can’t let that stop you. You need to push forward regardless.

    As you develop yourself and become the person you need to become, you will begin to change. You need to encourage this process of change as you continue evolving into better versions of yourself.

    Part of embracing transformation is learning how to let go of the previous you. Sometimes your lower self is going to latch on to you, but as long as you continuously learn, grow, and transform, that part of you will never take hold.

    Make sure you’re always pushing towards a better life, and remember to use those desperate times as fuel for the engine.

  • How to Stop Projecting Your Insecurities

    How to Stop Projecting Your Insecurities

    If you’re reading this article, I like you! It shows me that you’re committed to your growth. Arguably, most people aren’t interested in looking inward. They don’t want to discover if they’re the problem, because it’s easier to assume that the fault is with someone else. But where does this mentality lead us?

    You may have come to realize that your social relationships are a reflection of who you are. If you seem to constantly have friction with people, especially with different people, it takes a special sort of person to think ‘Hey, maybe I’m the issue’.

    This isn’t to say that you’re always at fault, not at all. Sometimes, your personality may combat with others, which is natural. Sometimes other people will be the issue. However, if you notice that your friction with others is a recurring pattern, then you’re likely projecting your issues onto them and interpreting them to be the issue.

    We all have insecurities, and we all project them to some extent. We project as an unconscious avoidance mechanism. As long as you continue projecting, you’re not going to get to the root of the issue and instead continue in these painful circles of conflict you can’t seem to break.

    Well, that changes here. Within 10 minutes, you’re going to have an in-depth understanding of what projecting is, why we do it, and how to stop it. This will help you illuminate and heal your emotional wounds which leads to happier, healthier relationships with everyone in your life.

    What does it mean to project?

    Projection

    Have you ever accused someone of feeling a certain way, only to realize that you were the one dealing with those emotions? Are you tired of feeling misunderstood, pointing fingers, or playing the blame game?

    It’s easy to get frustrated when people push your buttons, but what if the problem… is you?

    Projecting is to assume other people are the issue when they may be your issues or insecurities. I think we’ve all had the experience where we’ve been feeling angry or upset and lashed out at someone thinking that they’re stirring the pot when they may have just been trying to help.

    This is projecting. You’re externalizing your hurt and blaming someone else when it may have nothing to do with them.

    A big part of shadow work is to recognize the small signs of dysfunction and follow them towards your hidden trauma. This is where I want to talk to you about projection. We all do it, one way or another, but most of us don’t realize we’re doing it.

    If you’re on a path of personal growth, you need to realize when you’re projecting your insecurities onto other people so you can uncover the root cause of these painful emotions, and embark on a path of authentic healing.

    Why do you project your insecurities?

    Look at projection as a form of escapism. You’re denying your uncomfortable feelings or insecurities by casting them on a scapegoat. This is an unconscious mechanism to avoid looking at your issues.

    The reason why you project is because your ego deflects your awareness away from yourself, in an attempt to protect a wound.

    When you have trauma, a part of you doesn’t want to address it because it hurts to address it. If you feel incompetent at work, you may look for incompetence in others and point your awareness towards them (to make yourself feel better) instead of looking at your issues and working on them.

    Let’s imagine you were geeky in school. During these years you were bullied, and resultingly have some residual trauma because you were bullied.

    In an attempt to escape this shunned side of you that causes pain, you begin disintegrating the geeky, but authentic self because you’re ashamed of it. You do so by learning how to act cool and mimicking others who get along with others.

    This despised side of you becomes the shadow self. Years later you’re perceived very differently because you disintegrated from your nerdy nature. But you never addressed the wound, instead you slapped a mask over it.

    Now let’s say you meet someone geeky later on in life, and they’re comfortable in their skin. Without being aware of it, you start being rude or condescending to that person.

    But why would you be cruel to someone you have so much in common with?

    You’re projecting.

    You can’t stand that this person is secure, while you created a false image to get away from it. This person reminds you of the person you don’t want to be which brings your awareness towards those hidden, neglected wounds. Therefore, you externalize your frustrations by taking it out on the person to avoid feeling ashamed of yourself.

    This is how projection works.

    You’re driving your attention away from your insecurities by taking the role of the perpetrator (rather than the victim you feel you are).

    To paint a clearer picture, here are some examples of archetypes that project:

    1. The jealous partner: Someone who feels insecure in their relationship might end up leaving their partner due to their anxiety about being cheated on. Instead of confronting these deeper insecurities, they accuse their partner of being unfaithful and make them out to be the culprit.
    2. The gossiper: A coworker who often talks behind other people’s backs might accuse others of gossiping about them, or have a lot to hide him or herself. This person is projecting as a way to justify their behavior.
    3. The criticizer: Someone who is self-critical might criticize others over minor details. This person is projecting the flaws that they see in themself, but are unable to address them.
    4. The overreaching police officer: Some police officers will abuse their position of power, likely because they were bullied in school, or felt they had no power growing up. 

    Why you externalize your wounds

    Navigating a conflict

    Projection operates below the level of conscious awareness. When you’re faced with thoughts or feelings that trigger painful emotions, your mind automatically externalizes these qualities onto someone else.

    This externalization serves as a psychological release valve, deflecting the internal emotional tension outward, often without the individual even realizing what they’ve done.

    The goal here is to be authentic in your expression and the way you feel. By getting to the root cause of these emotional leakages such as projection and triggers, you’re able to heal.

    Here are some signs that someone is projecting:

    1. Intense emotional reactions: When your emotional response seems disproportionately intense compared to the situation at hand, it could be a sign that you’re projecting.

    2. Judgement: Ever meet someone, and you think ‘I don’t know why, but I just hate that guy’? An immediate, irrational dislike for someone often means that you’re seeing someone that you don’t like about yourself in them.

    3. Blame shifting: If you’re quick to blame others for what’s going wrong in your life, you’re avoiding taking responsibility for your failures and putting them onto others to make you feel better.

    4. Defensiveness: Becoming overly defensive when someone points out a particular trait or behavior likely means you’re projecting. You don’t want to be aware of the underlying cause, so you irrationally defend something you shouldn’t defend.

    5. Fixation of others’ flaws: Obsessing over someone else’s shortcomings could mean you’re avoiding your own.

    6. Projection in relationships: Patterns of blame, intense reactions, or persistent issues often indicate that projection is affecting your relationships. Take note if you keep getting into the same arguments or situations, and take responsibility for it.

    Psychological benefits of projection (short-term)

    1. Immediate emotional relief: Projecting your issues onto someone else can give you instant emotional relief, as you’re using someone else as a vent to their problems. Taking out your problems on someone else distances you from your internal conflict.

    2. Preservation of self-image: When you project, you’re putting your undesirable qualities on others instead of looking at them yourself. This helps you maintain a more favorable or socially acceptable self-image of yourself.

    3. Avoidance of accountability: Projection allows you to dodge responsibility for your actions or feelings by shifting the focus onto someone else. As long as someone else is to blame, you’re not accountable.

    Psychological drawbacks of projection (long-term)

    1. Impaired relationships: Consistently projecting can cause a lot of strain in your relationship, as the projected feelings are often incongruent with the other person’s reality. It’s also a good way to piss off other people, as they feel that the situation is unfair, but you won’t listen to reason.

    2. Hindrance to personal growth: As projection is a way to avoid looking at deeper issues with yourself, projection acts as a block for personal growth. As long as you’re not aware of it, projection prevents you from reflecting and resolving your problems, which leads to stunted growth.

    3. Increased anxiety: While projection can relieve you temporarily, you’re not fixing the root cause. This means the issue is just going to keep coming back up, and the underlying wound is not going to be healed, and you’re just going to pile on the internal tension.

    How to stop projecting and heal your hidden wounds

    Stopping the cycle of projection

    Projection is a crutch. People usually do it for a sense of relief (like they’re winning an imaginary battle), but it becomes a pretty relentless cycle. Projection isn’t a good thing. It causes long-term problems in relationships and acts as a big fat barrier to your personal growth.

    Time to break this cycle. When you recognize that you’re projecting, push yourself to not replicate the same behavior. Create other pathways forward and through situations where you would usually project.

    Pay attention to those emotions, and see where they lead you. When you do that, you can start doing the healing by following the article below. Otherwise, here are some ways to be aware of when you’re projecting, and to put an end to this unhealthy habit.

    1. Pay attention to your patterns: Recognizing that you’re projecting is the first step. First off, I would think about instances that continue to repeat themselves in your life. Maybe you constantly get into arguments with a family member, usually about the same thing. Perhaps you have the same triggers, the same relationship struggles… whatever it is, it happens like clockwork. This is a sign that you have a repeating pattern that you haven’t yet caught onto, and that’s a good place to start.

    2. Find a healthy vent for your emotions: Part of why you project is because you aren’t finding a healthy outlet to express your emotions. When you’re feeling something undesirable such as anger, sadness, jealousy, or guilt, it’s important to find an outlet to purge those energies. The more you bottle those painful emotions in, the more they’re going to leak out in the form of triggers and projection. So find ways to vent and express yourself healthily. The more you do, the less you will project.

    3. Identify your triggers: Your triggers are in the same boat as projection, because they both stem from a disintegrated sense of self. When you find yourself getting uncontrollably angry or frustrated at someone or something, use that as a time to reflect, feel, process, and discard those painful energies. The more you do this, the more aware you will be of your tendency to project, and the less you will feel the need to.

    4. Take responsibility for your emotions: Taking responsibility for your feelings can make a significant difference in reducing projection. Instead of saying, “You make me feel insecure” try “I feel insecure when this happens.” Start taking real self-responsibility by looking into yourself, why you’re feeling a certain way, and what you can do about it instead of deferring responsibility.

    5. Practice honest communication: The willingness to communicate openly and honestly can go a long way in resolving projected issues. If you find yourself projecting your insecurities onto your partner, have a frank discussion about what makes you feel insecure and how you both can address it.

    6. Question your thoughts: If you’re having negative thoughts about someone else or yourself, stop when you’re feeling it. Question these thoughts and see if they’re congruent with the reality of the situation. See if they have been pulled out of proportion, or exaggerated to fit your narrative. This ability to question your train of thought and be a little rational about the situation can go a long way.

    7. Be compassionate towards yourself: Stopping projection is a process that requires patience, and self-compassion. Forgive yourself when you catch yourself projecting and don’t beat yourself up about it. Of course, don’t take this as an excuse not to do the work, but realize that the process of discovering wounds and healing them can take time.

  • How Can You Effectively Hold Space For Someone?

    Holding space is to bear witness. It’s to create a container; a supportive and nonjudgemental environment for people to open up to you. Everyone needs to feel heard, understood and validated. Therefore, holding space for someone fulfills these needs and creates the right circumstances to facilitate healing and personal growth.

    Counselors and therapists have mastered the skill of holding space, which is why patients feel like they can open up without being judged or ridiculed, but thoroughly understood.

    This is a big reason why people tend to feel lighter after unloading their issues. It’s not a matter of saying the right things or eloquently navigating the person’s psyche, it’s because these professionals know how to make the person feel heard.

    With that said, we all hold space for others here and there, whether we’re aware of it or not.

    If your friend is going through a rough patch and you’re there to give them companionship and support, you are holding space because you are giving them your undisrupted presence. Likewise, if you’re intently listening to your partner who is venting their frustrations to you after a bad day, you are facilitating a space for healing.

    Even though we all naturally hold space at times, it’s a skill that can generally use some tweaking to become more effective. By tweaking this skill with the advice in this article, you will learn how to effectively:

    • Emotionally support others who are going through difficult situations
    • Help minimize the burden of distressed people
    • Create the right conditions for people to open up to you
    • Foster trust and respect among the people you help

    Knowing how to effectively hold space for someone should be on everyone’s toolbelt because it is a catalyst for healing and growth. Let’s look at the key qualities needed to cultivate a space that invites vulnerability, growth, and healing.

    Why holding space is an important skill

    Holding space is something I have always been quite good at, and it’s a skill that has served me and others very well over the years.

    Growing up, I was not a conversationalist, in fact, I was pretty damn far from one. I didn’t know the first thing about holding a conversation, and the world of social interactions was beyond daunting. To compensate for my lack of social skills, I learned to listen.

    I remember people droning on and on about whatever was on their minds. However, I noticed a trend. When many of these people recognized I was listening intently without being bored or disinterested, almost like walking down a staircase, they would step further into their personal lives, and open up.

    The standard protocol was something like this:

    1. “I really enjoyed watching that movie because it had a great story…” pause
    2. “But some of the scenes were sad because they reminded me of my adventures with my ex-girlfriend…” pause
    3. “I still miss her and to be honest I’m struggling to get over her”

    Like magic, from a conversation that seemed trivial, people would often segway into deeper and more personal discussions about their feelings.

    I noticed this common thread, that people generally felt at ease when talking to me and open up without feeling judged. But I didn’t mind, it made me feel good that people could trust me, so I would let them talk, occasionally throwing in a question here and there or offering the small pockets of advice I had when the moment seemed ripe.

    They were happy because they could speak and feel heard, I was happy because I didn’t need to say anything, and people seemed to enjoy my company even though I didn’t feel I contributed much to it. I came to realize that listening without butting in and taking the spotlight was a trait in high demand.

    I noticed that many of these people would sigh relief afterward. They would say things like…

    “I feel so much better now, thanks for listening”, or

    “I’ve never told anyone that before, but I feel like I can trust you”

    Some people would almost be confused, wondering why they’re talking about such personal matters to someone they barely know. But I do know they felt comfortable, enjoyed the interaction, and usually felt better about themselves afterward – all from being a good listener.

    The truth is, not many people know how to hold space. Most people are caught in their ego complexes. We unconsciously seek to be validated, rather than validate. You wouldn’t think something as simple as undivided listening was such a highly valued skill set, but you would be surprised.

    As I recognized just how valuable this skill was, I began to hone it, soon gaining a reputation within friendship circles as being a comforting presence.

    Over time as I matured and developed my interpersonal skills, holding space is a skill that has continued to evolve with me, especially as I’ve incorporated it into my professional life by working in healing centers, facilitating men’s circles, and coaching individuals.

    I am confident that most people, as long as they give themselves the time and have a talk with me, will open up in some regards.

    Suddenly, they’re comfortable with me. They trust me and know that I see the human in them, despite what they have done. With that said, they leave feeling a whole lot better, and that trust doesn’t fade away.

    Many times I have sat with people as they bawled their eyes out while talking about issues that have been bottled up for years. Some people have moments of deep reflection, even people you would never expect to be on a personal growth journey.

    If this skill has taught me anything, it’s that we’re all on a soul journey, even those who seem so ignorant, naive, or rude. Even the biggest assholes have shown me that they can redeem themselves and for me, it has humanized humanity.

    It has shown me that we all struggle, we all have issues, and sometimes, we all just need to be heard, regardless of how different we appear to be.

    I have learned that holding space is so much more than helping someone with their problems. It’s to facilitate a space of personal transformation that helps people see the bigger picture of their life experience.

    Creating the space

    Holding space for someone

    When you’re holding space, you’re being completely present with the person and allowing them to explore their thoughts, feelings, and experiences without interruption. Creating this supportive space grants an opportunity for the person to let go of some of the emotional junk that’s weighing them down.

    Your energy plays a big role here.

    If you’re in a dysregulated state of mind, the person will not want to share your energy. People inherently feel other people’s energy, even if they don’t recognize it. It’s your job to have a soothing but grounded energy that wraps the person in a warm blanket.

    If you feel uneasy, the person will feel uneasy. If you feel in pain, they will feel the pain. Your energy must be the dominant force when you’re holding space because you’re bringing that person into your world.

    It’s your space.

    When a therapist sits with their patient and encourages them to speak, they’re facilitating a process. The patient goes through the motions, begins expressing himself, vents or cries, and lets go of their emotional baggage.

    After you hold space for someone, the person generally feels much better, and you’ll feel a tangible difference in the energy. The person you were holding space for will walk away feeling a whole lot lighter because you allowed them to open up.

    Besides facilitating healing, holding space for someone helps establish rapport by forming a deeper, more human connection with them. It fosters trust because you should the person that it’s okay to let their guard down and be vulnerable around you, which is something they might feel uncomfortable doing even with good friends or family.

    Creating a space to hold for someone involves both physical and emotional elements.

    Physically, it means finding a comfortable environment where distractions are minimized. This could be a private room, a cozy corner, or even a park bench where you can have a conversation without interruption.

    Emotional safety means that you’re creating a space where there’s compassion, understanding, and trust.

    When people trust that nothing they say will leave their lips, they will feel more comfortable sharing themselves authentically. If they believe you might tell others, they probably won’t open up to you.

    People will respect you when you hold space for them. After the energies are cleared, usually there will be a lot of respect for one another, which will help develop a stronger relationship between the two of you.

    To create the right circumstances for someone to open up to you, you should:

    1. Establish yourself as an authority: When the person sees you as some sort of authority, whether you have more knowledge, wisdom, or life experience, they are more likely to open up to you. Of course, don’t put yourself on a pedestal, connect as an equal, but remember, it’s your space that you’re letting the person into.
    2. Create a supportive environment: This is to create an atmosphere of nonjudgment and acceptance. The person should feel at ease to say whatever they want to say without criticism or rejection. Vulnerability should be welcomed, honored, and respected. The conversation should be away from the prying ears of others.

    3. Set boundaries: For you to be there for them, they should also respect your time and presence. Don’t let people take advantage of you, and make it known that they’re infringing on your goodwill if they become a little too much. If they start projecting their issues onto you or being rude, assert your position as trying to help, and leave if they don’t cut it out.

    4. Don’t take advantage of their vulnerability: You’re facilitating the space, so you need to be somewhat professional about it. As people open up and allow themselves to be vulnerable, you need to make sure you don’t take advantage of that vulnerability in any way.

    How to hold space for someone

    Woman holding space

    Holding space is not necessarily about solving the person’s problems. Its focus is to provide a container for the person’s emotions and thoughts, and to help them process their experiences.

    This means you offer support and validation. You give the person a shoulder to cry on and make sure that they feel heard. By creating a space for reflection and self-discovery, you’ll see how big of an impact this has on the person’s emotional state.

    Here’s what you need to do to effectively hold space for someone:

    1. Be present: You must be completely present with the person. This means you’re not thinking about what to have for dinner or wondering what time it is. You’re giving yourself fully and putting all of your energy into bearing witness.

    2. Actively listen: You can’t just sit there pretending to listen, they will know if you’re not fully engaged. You need to actively listen by taking in everything they’re telling you. This means you need to give the person your full undivided attention, and pay attention.

    3. Don’t be reactive: You need to be centered. You are the person’s rock, a support pillar to lean on. That means you need to be grounded and hold a powerful, but calming energy. Sometimes things will get a little wild, and it’s your job to be their anchor. If you get sucked into their emotional distress, energies will spiral out of control. Therefore, don’t be reactive, observe, and hold the ground.

    4. Don’t judge: The person must be assured that you will not going to judge them, regardless of what they tell you. Don’t laugh, don’t show disgust, realize they may be talking about sensitive issues.

    5. Be patient: You cannot rush the process of healing. Some people might talk for a while, while others may take some time to open up. Therefore, don’t rush the process, just be present with the experience until it naturally comes to an end.

    6. Keep it confidential: Assure the person that whatever is said stays between the two of you and honor that agreement. It’s good to state this at the start of the interaction when you’re opening up the space for them to vent.

    Developing centered listening skills

    To hold space effectively, you need to develop empathetic listening skills. I don’t mean reacting to what the person is saying or getting caught in their emotions. I mean understanding them, and visibly showing your support, so the person you’re holding space for knows that you have their back.

    To make sure you’re fully with the person, here are some things you should do:

    1. Regularly nod or vocalize: When you vocalize ‘uh hu’ or ‘mmm’ now and then when the person is speaking, it signals that you are following along.

    2. Maintain strong but gentle eye contact: Strong eye contact is an anchor point. Your eye contact should be the dominant force because you’re the one holding space. The person will look at you for reassurance. If you’re constantly looking away or avoiding eye contact, it’s not a good signal.

    3. Wait until they finish speaking: Never cut the person off to jump in and offer advice. Sometimes you might have something inspiring to say, but it’s important to wait until there’s a lull in the conversation.

    4. Avoid distractions: Make sure your focus remains on the person you’re holding space for. Sometimes there will be distractions, loud noises, or phone calls. Unless it’s an emergency, don’t give any attention to outside distractions. It’s their moment to shine, so make sure you provide the audience.

    Providing guidance

    Giving advice can be beneficial as long as it doesn’t take the main focus. When holding space is incorporated with a heart-to-heart conversation, this is what we could call counseling.

    Counseling is effective because it engages both the feminine (listening, expressing, connecting) and the masculine (advising, inspiring, motivating) energies. Once the person has gotten everything out, now it’s time to engage the masculine constituent to give them something to work with.

    After you successfully hold space for someone, you will feel a change in energy. During this moment, there will be quiet as the person you’re with collects their thoughts. This is the right moment to offer some advice and guidance. But there are some things to know before you do, otherwise, you could just complicate the situation.

    1. Thank the person for their trust: Once there’s a break in the conversation, you want to thank the person for being vulnerable with you and sharing what they did. Acknowledge that it can be difficult to be vulnerable and that you commend them for doing so.

    2. Give direct advice: Don’t beat around the bush. Here you want to give solid advice that hits. Your advice should be relevant to what they’ve been telling you, and it should be direct and impactful. Make sure you cut the fluff because, at this point, all of their attention will be on you, so make sure you provide some golden nuggets that can benefit their life moving forward.

    3. Talk from your personal experiences: Sharing your own stories and experiences (if relevant) can help build a sense of camaraderie. Feel free to tell the person about your particular experiences. With that said, don’t talk about something for the sake of speaking. If you have nothing to say, wrap it up.

    4. Speak from the heart: Make sure you’re speaking from the heart because this is the opportune moment to have a heart-to-heart. Don’t do it condescendingly, but aim to connect with the person by showing compassion and recognizing their difficulties.

    Overcoming obstacles

    When you’re holding space for someone, there are a few things you need to take into account.

    Sometimes you’ll run into an unexpected hurdle, whether it’s emotions running high, people projecting their issues, or outside distractions. Here are some common obstacles when holding space for someone:

    1. Emotions running high: When someone’s going through their processes, emotions might start running high. This often manifests as crying, yelling, trembling, or ranting. As emotions run high, it becomes easier to get pulled into their energy, because their energetic outlet is stronger. Therefore, keep your cool and stay centered. As long as you hold your calming energy, they will calm down shortly and return to the calming space you created.

    2. Projection: Sometimes, people will project their issues onto you. This is usually the result of hitting triggers or as a way to defer responsibility. Either way, it’s not good for you, and you need to make sure people aren’t using you as a stepping stone, as that’s not going to benefit anyone.

    3. Remain humble: Make sure you’re always being humble, and there’s no ulterior motive to put yourself on a pedestal. Don’t boast or imply how great you are, because it’s just going to create a weird energy and make you look like a fool.
  • 104 Shadow Work Prompts To Explore Your Hidden Wounds

    104 Shadow Work Prompts To Explore Your Hidden Wounds

    Everyone has a shadow: A neglected part of themselves that never sees the light of awareness.

    This shadow might take the form of the insecure beta male that you strive to oppress. After all those years of being bullied, you’d never let anyone take advantage of you again. You’re a big strong man who has a lot to show, and that’s the image you would die to uphold.

    Maybe it’s the drug-addicted loser you avoid looking at in the mirror, or the abhorrent whore, the shame to your family, the person who became a disastrous failure in life. So you work your ass off and flaunt your self-worth to make sure you never touch that image with a ten-foot pole.

    Am I being a little harsh? Not as harsh as you are to yourself, because you’re your own worst critic, and that’s a big reason why you’re disintegrated. That pathetic, ugly, weak version of you still exists as your shadow self. It has been banished from your awareness and locked in the dark basement of your subconscious, but it’s not going away.

    Your shadow is a very real part of you, and as long as you deny its existence, you’re never going to feel complete.

    This is where shadow work prompts play a role in directing your awareness towards the side of you that you refuse to look at. Shadow work prompts are questions, or cues to help you confront the neglected parts of yourself so you can work through it.

    It’s time to illuminate your shadows and make peace with them for growth, healing, and integration.

    Why shadow work is necessary

    The shadow self

    Your shadows come in the form of past traumas and unresolved wounds that have never properly been dealt with. Instead of healing the root cause, you slapped on a mask and pretended to be someone you’re not in an attempt to cover up your ugly side.

    After all, this is the quicker solution. At least it feels like a solution, for a while. But if you’re looking to truly become your best self, you need to be genuine. You need to be completely transparent with yourself and look your ugliness in its eyes, otherwise it will always be the yang to your yin.

    This dark icky mess that you locked in the closet manifests into insecurities, distorted perceptions about reality and oneself, limiting belief systems, and a whole mountain of trash that does not serve you.

    This manifestation is the shadow self; the broken, dysfunctional side of you. A portrait of your lower self.

    The shadow self cannot be abandoned. Neglecting it just adds more fuel to the fire. Despising it just makes you despise yourself. The shadow self is a disintegrated part of who you are, but it’s still a part of yourself, so it should be treated as such.

    Acknowledging your shadows is one part of the equation, but integrating them is another. This is where shadow work is necessary, as it’s the act of integrating the bits and pieces you once abandoned.

    What are shadow work prompts?

    Shadow work prompts are questions that are intended to help you bring awareness to your shadow self. They’re a key part of shadow work as they’re navigational tools to help you reflect, expose, and acknowledge undesirable aspects of your life experience.

    In this sense, shadow work prompts are intended to dredge out unwanted emotions, feelings, and memories. They should trigger you, and cause you to reflect upon your life, facilitating the discovery of hidden aspects of yourself.

    If I were to ask you why a particular conversation triggered you, or why you keep making the same mistakes in your romantic relationships, these questions might open a can of worms. You may acknowledge that you have a fear of commitment which is why you self-sabotage, which leads to more questions and deeper healing.

    Don’t take a half-assed approach, but read each prompt and think about the questions. Observe if any buried feelings come up, if they trigger certain memories, or if these powerful cues flush anything to the surface that is worth investigating.

    If a shadow work prompt does trigger a reaction, that means you’ve hit something worth looking at. Sit with whatever comes up and be present with whatever discomfort arises. Reflect on everything painful that surfaces until the emotions begin to lose power. This is how healing takes place, by allowing yourself to experience the discomfort and process it. Not by distracting yourself and escaping it.

    The problem with avoidance

    It’s easier to pretend your problems don’t exist than to put in the hard yards and do the healing. Healing is a painful process. It’s confronting. It can make you feel small. That’s why creating an image is a quicker solution and it’s usually the obvious solution too, but it’s not sustainable.

    Most people live their lives wearing a mask to the world. Your job here is to take off that mask and look underneath it. You want to identify everything rotten with you, so you can start healing those wounds because they’re not going to heal themselves.

    If you felt like you were a loser growing up, it’s easier to learn how to be cool and guard that image closely than to confront why you feel like a loser, and you can fool yourself pretty well too.

    Likewise, if you’re generally a negative person, it’s easier to create a facade of light than to dig into why you see so much darkness within yourself.

    Genuine healing is not straightforward. It can be a long journey to figure out what needs to be healed, let alone how to heal it. People tend to heal on the surface level but neglect the real stuff. This is where the substance is, and often you need to do some digging to get there.

    Hiding behind a facade your whole life will inevitably cause more problems in the long run because your dysfunctions haven’t been resolved. We have created an incredibly superficial society where people believe that healing is skin deep, and live behind a facade of their higher self, rather than embarking on the long and often miserable journey to embody their higher self.

    This is called spiritual bypassing, and it’s very important to acknowledge. You must be genuine with your process of healing if you want to heal.

    Self-reflection: An invaluable for shadow work

    Self-reflection is a critical aspect of shadow work. It’s the process of examining your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to gain insight into yourself; where you can then apply the appropriate behavioral changes.

    Self-reflection helps you to identify your triggers, discover reoccurring patterns, and discard limiting belief systems. It’s also a way to connect with your inner self, listen to your intuition, and gain a deeper understanding of your values and desires.

    When reading the following shadow work prompts, it’s important to be honest with yourself. After all, you’re here for a reason, and some of these prompts might make you feel a bit tender… or perhaps cause some sort of emotional reaction. So do the work, as that is what will give you results in the long run. 

    Shadow work prompts for all situations

    Ego dissolution: Picking up the pieces of self

    Some of these topics might not apply to you. Others you’ll find hit a resonating chord and make you think. Pick out the shadow work prompts that resonate with you and give them some heavy thought. When you read each cue, do the following to start integrating your shadow self.

    • Reflect on the question
    • Identify if there is something there that’s not serving you, and think about how you can resolve it
    • Identify if any uncomfortable emotions, memories, or feelings that arise and sit with them.
    • Visualize yourself helping that wounded version of you, and bringing him/her into yourself

    Shadow work prompts for self-enquiry

    1. What are some painful reocurring themes in your life?

      Think about painful events that seem to repeatedly occur in your life. Do you have a pattern of getting into relationships with narcissists? Do you always seem to get caught in bad situations or get taken advantage of? Explore why you keep attracting those painful experiences into your life, and what you can do differently to ensure the same pattern doesn’t happen again.

    2. If something went wrong recently, what could you do better next time?
      Part of life is that things go wrong all the time. Maybe it’s an unexpected accident, injury, or argument. Perhaps you screwed up at work or in your relationship. If anything happened recently that didn’t go well, reflect on what you could have done to create a different outcome.

    3. What aspects of your parents do you see in yourself?
      Reflect on the common beliefs, traits, and characteristics you share with your parents. Are your beliefs unique to you, or were they adopted? You may have adopted some things from your parents that aren’t in your best interest, therefore, reflect on them to see what’s yours, and what isn’t.

    4. Do you find yourself behaving in similar ways to your parents?

    5. Are there any dysfunctions you may have adopted, and believe it’s normal?

    6. In what ways did your parents influence you as a child?

    7. What are your highest values that fill you will joy?

    8. What are your core beliefs?
      Core beliefs are often formed during childhood when our minds are squishy and impressionable, where they become deeply rooted in who we are. Take some time to reflect on the core beliefs that you hold, and think about whether they’re in your best interest. If they are holding you back, start to challenge them and replace them with positive beliefs.

    9. Do you consider yourself to be a good person? Why/why not?

    10. In what area of your life do you feel you have a block?
      Think about areas where you struggle and can’t seem to get ahead. Look at what area of your life you struggle in the most, and think about why that is. A block I had when I was younger revolved around the inability to date and form meaningful relationships. Later on, I struggled with a financial block, in which I always seemed to struggle with money. It took a lot of introspection to identify that there were deeper layers to this pie.

    Shadow work prompts for self-love

    1. What negative beliefs about yourself do you entertain?

    2. How do you see yourself in your own eyes?
      Your self-image tells you a lot. If you feel like you’re not who you want to be by now, then there is probably something there that needs to be looked at.

    3. How do you react when someone compliments you?

    4. In what ways do you prioritize the needs of others over your own?

    5. What past experiences have led you to feel unworthy?

    6. What are some of the biggest challenges you had during childhood?

    7. How do you internally speak to yourself when you make a mistake?

    8. Do people in general seem to like you? Why/why not
      Looking at yourself through a 3rd-person perspective can illuminate hidden aspects of yourself. If you think everyone dislikes you, you may be projecting those feelings when it could be far from the truth. Also, think about what would annoy you the most about yourself if you were interacting with yourself. This is a good way to get a different perspective into who you are, and where your biggest faults lie.

    9. Do you find there’s resistance for you to work on yourself?

    10. What’s preventing you from being your authentic self?

      Embracing your authentic self is the ultimate goal of shadow work. It’s about accepting yourself fully, flaws and all, and living a life that’s true to your values. Do you mask your true identity out of fear of being seen, or are you comfortable in your skin?

    11. What does your authentic self look like?

    12. Why are you being someone who you don’t want to be?

    13. What characteristics, traits, skills, and abilities do you need to develop to be in alignment with who you want to be?

    14. How would it make you feel if people saw you for who you authentically are?

    15. What childhood messages did you receive about self-worth and self-love?

    16. Do the people in your life show self-love, or are they self-destructive?

    17. How do you sabotage your efforts to care for yourself?

    18. What would it look like to fully accept yourself? How would this impact your life?

    19. What do you hate about yourself the most? Why do you dislike that/those particular aspects of yourself?

    20. What are some small things you can do daily to take more care of yourself?

    Shadow work prompts for relationships:

    1. What recurring patterns do you notice in your relationships and where do they come from?
      Look into your love life and the trends that seem to occur within it. Toxic partners, narcissists, interdependence, running away, conflicts, etc. What’s causing this behavior and what can you do to prevent it from happening again?

    2. Do you make excuses not to see friends or family? Why not?

    3. How often do you put off invitations to new opportunities?

    4. How do you react when you feel rejected or abandoned by someone you care about?

    5. What expectations do you have in relationships?

    6. How do you communicate your needs and boundaries to others?

    7. Were you ever betrayed by someone in the past? How do you think it affects your relationships moving forward?

    8. In what ways do you idealize or devalue people in your life, and why?

    9. How do you handle conflict in your relationships? What could you do differently?
      If you have particularly painful arguments with someone, or perhaps did in the past where the worst side of you comes out, spend some time thinking about why this happened, how this side got the best of you, and how you can be the bigger person next time. When I was living with my mom after 5 years abroad, a side of me came out during our arguments that I had not seen in a long time. By reflecting on these experiences and aiming to be better, I could take steps to heal our relationship.

    10. Is there someone you haven’t yet forgiven?
      Forgiveness is a powerful tool in shadow work. Holding onto grudges is draining and prevents you from moving forward with your life. To practice forgiveness, start by forgiving yourself for any mistakes or shortcomings that you may have. Work on forgiving others who may have hurt you in the past by leveling with them and understanding their perspective.

    11. Have you ever had your heart broken? How did it affect future relationships?

    12. Are you affectionate in your relationships? If not, what do you think the barrier is?

    13. Do you find that you’re needy or overattached?
      Neediness and overattachment are signs that you don’t value yourself in a relationship, therefore idealizing the person you’re with. What do you think is the root cause of this behavior, and how can you empower yourself in the relationship?

    14. Are you distant, avoidant, or don’t like to open up to your partners? Why do you think that is?

    15. Do you find that your relationships are lustful, or genuine connections?

    16. What did your parents believe about love?

    17. What was your parent’s relationship like?

    18. What role do trust and vulnerability play in your relationships?

    19. How do your family dynamics influence your romantic relationships or friendships?

    20. What do you fear the most about intimacy and closeness with others?

    Shadow work prompts for trauma

    1. What traumatic events from your past still affect you today, and how?

    2. What childhood events do you still carry painful memories of?
      Trauma often comes from childhood. These imprints can stay with you for a long time and turn into a distorted mess if neglected. The best way to see if you have childhood trauma is to probe your memories. If the memory is sensitive and brings up an emotional response, there’s probably an unhealed trauma there.

    3. How do you cope with feelings of fear or anxiety related to past trauma?

    4. What triggers remind you of past traumatic experiences, and how do you react?

    5. In what ways has your trauma influenced your beliefs about yourself and the world?

    6. What coping mechanisms did you develop as a result of your trauma, and are they still serving you?

    7. What support systems do you have in place to help you heal from trauma? If you don’t have any, how can you create some?

    8. How has your trauma affected your ability to trust others or yourself?

    9. What aspects of your identity at attached to your trauma? How does this manifest?

    10. Do you feel like a victim?
      Feeling victimized is a natural response, however, it can become a trap if you stay there. If you feel like you’re a victim in life, what are some things you can do to empower yourself to get out of this limiting belief system?

    11. What steps can you take to reclaim your sense of empowerment?

    Shadow work prompts for insecurities

    1. What are your biggest triggers?
      Identifying your triggers is an essential step in shadow work. Triggers are events, situations, or people that get on your nerves and cause a disproportionate reaction, usually for an unknown reason. Maybe you became overly defensive when it wasn’t necessary. Perhaps a certain situation caused you to melt down. To identify your triggers, take some time to reflect on the situations that have triggered you, and dig into the emotional response.

    2. What situations make you feel insecure?

    3. How do you seek validation from others, and why?

    4. Do you compare yourself with others often?
      Comparison plays a big role in being insecure because you have something to prove. If there’s something you don’t like about yourself, such as your job, or the people you associate with, then something is broken. Therefore, have a look into the different departments of your life, and figure out if there’s anything you’re ashamed of.

    5. What aspects of yourself do you feel you need to hide from others?

    6. In what sort of situations do you feel most vulnerable?
      If you have no hidden wounds you are probably self-assured, but it’s normal to feel vulnerable at specific times of your life. Job interviews, moving to a new place, social gatherings, dates. Look at why certain situations make you feel more vulnerable, and where that feeling of vulnerability comes from.

    7. How do you respond to constructive criticism?
      Do you usually get upset when someone gives you constructive feedback, or do you welcome it? Perhaps you get defensive and people are deliberately trying to bring you down. If constructive criticism hits a sore spot, think about why you take it so hard. Why do you feel like you need to be good at everything, and that you can’t take advice from other people without getting triggered? What do you think causes this?

    8. When did you first start feeling insecure about yourself, and what caused it?

    9. Do you project your insecurities onto other people?
      You know when people use you as a scapegoat and dump their issues onto you? Then they won’t listen to reason and make it out that you’re the bad guy? That’s projecting; pushing your own emotions onto a victim so that you’re not at fault. Do you ever find yourself projecting, or blaming someone when it wasn’t their fault?

    10. How often do you lie, or cover up truths?
      Covering up truths or telling lies indicates that you have something to hide. And why do you have something to hide? Well, you really gotta ask yourself about that… Whatever it is, there are negative feelings beneath the surface, otherwise, you would have no intention of covering up the truth – either to yourself or other people. So look into your tendency to lie, and try to figure out where this need comes from.

    11. What are you ashamed of?
      Shame is often a root cause for repressing a part of yourself. If you’re ashamed of something, or someone made you feel a certain way about something you did, you are likely to reject that aspect of yourself. Think about whether there’s anything you’re ashamed of. What is it, and why are you ashamed of it? How can you take steps to let go of that shame and heal?

    12. How often do you say things that aren’t necessarily true to feel better about yourself?

    13. Do you tend to boast or talk about yourself a lot?

    14. What is the most embarrassing thing that could happen to you?
      Have you ever thought of a particular memory, or even a hypothetical situation and you feel the same physical manifestations as if it happened? Guess what? That means you’re discovering a wounded root that is causing these emotional reactions.

    15. What sort of reactions are you trying to avoid from other people? How would these reactions make you feel?

    16. Why do you care what other people think of you?

    17. Do you have a big ego?
      An inflated ego is usually a sign of overcompensating for something you’re insecure about. So see whether your ego is in check by reading the following prompts. If you find that your ego is more inflated than it should be, you need to take steps to balance it.

    18. Do you have a superiority complex or think you’re better than other people?

    19. Do you always want to be the center of attention, or do you shy away from it?

    20. Are you overcompensating for anything?
      For me, it wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I realized I had a people-pleaser problem. I do pride myself in being a genuinely kind person, but in the past, I would put every person before myself. So I needed to look into this behavior. When I did, I realized it came from the fear of disapproval – that I felt I needed to be liked by everyone as I never really felt it as a kid.

    21. Do you get triggered when people talk down to you or treat you in a way that doesn’t live up to your self-image?

    22. What is so important about being accepted by other people?

    23. What strengths or positive qualities do you dismiss or downplay about yourself? Why do you do it?

    24. What are your biggest regrets?
      Is there something you regret and have a hard time thinking about it? If you have a hard time thinking about a particular memory, it means that you still have a wound. The only way to clean it is to spend time being present with those memories where you can process them.

    25. Are there memories, experiences, or decisions that you’re not comfortable feeling?

    26. What would it feel like to truly believe in your worth and abilities?

    Shadow work prompts for manifestation

    1. How often do you make excuses about creating your dream life?
      Often there’s a good reason why you make excuses for doing things you should be doing. That’s because there is some sort of avoidance happening. Whatever it is, it’s not good, so it’s important to have a hard look at why you are avoiding certain things in your life that could improve your life.

    2. What limiting beliefs do you hold about my ability to create the life I desire?

    3. How do you feel when others achieve what you desire? What does this reveal about your beliefs?

    4. What past experiences have shaped your beliefs about success and abundance?

    5. How do you talk about your goals and dreams? What does this say about your beliefs?

    6. What fears do you have about failure or success, and how do they hinder your manifestation efforts?

    7. Do you self-sabotage in any areas of your life?
      Self-sabotage is when you unconsciously prevent yourself from getting something you want because you believe you don’t deserve it. Sometimes people sabotage good job opportunities, relationships, and unconsciously push away things that are good for them. Look into whether you notice trends where you sabotage good things that are coming into your life. It’s important to acknowledge what was in your control, why you sabotaged yourself, and how you can make sure it doesn’t happen again.

    8. Have you ever ruined a good job opportunity?

    9. Have you messed up a good blooming relationship?

    10. How often do you reject help, when it could help?

    11. Do you tend to deny good things that are coming into your life like money, people, opportunities, and adventures?

    12. How do you respond to setbacks or challenges along the way to achieving your goals?

    13. Why do you think you avoid working on yourself or improving your life?

    14. What habits or thought patterns contribute to your ability to manifest effectively?

    15. How do you define success, and how does this definition influence your life experience?

    16. What desires do you have trouble admitting to yourself? Why?

    17. What would it feel like to fully believe in your power to manifest your dreams?
  • Escapism: Why You Want to Escape Reality and How to Break Free

    Escapism: Why You Want to Escape Reality and How to Break Free

    Do you ever find yourself wanting to escape reality? Perhaps it’s all just getting a little too overwhelming, but there’s no off switch. Your desire to escape therefore leads to unhealthy habits, whether they be addiction, impulse, or overindulgence. Anything to get your mind away from the burden of life.

    When life gets too stressful, I think we all want to escape reality. After all, it’s much easier to escape reality, than it is to confront these painful thoughts, emotions, or challenges we’re currently facing.

    But where does escaping the stresses lead us?

    To more stress, more worry, and more challenges because we’re avoiding the issue at hand.

    Escapism was a common theme in my life. Come to think of it, I was always wearing an emotional Band-Aid because there was something hidden in the dark waters of my subconscious that I wasn’t ready to confront.

    My desire to escape reality started as a coping mechanism. During my youth, I had a lot of mental issues, which led to a lot of emotional issues.

    I was miserable growing up. Later, I discovered that alcohol and drugs temporarily relieved those painful feelings. So I took pretty much whatever I could get my hands on. Coffee, alcohol, nicotine, pot amphetamines, psychedelics, cough syrup, designer drugs, you name it. I did anything I could to induce an altered state of consciousness because that was the only time I felt like I was solving my problems.

    Every time I came back down to Earth, it was just a matter of time until the feelings of emptiness returned. Again I would look for a fix. Life went on like this for quite a while until I had some revelations.

    Then started the nomadic phase of my life. Don’t get me wrong, traveling has been one of the best things I’ve ever done, but no matter where I went or what I did, that feeling of emptiness would catch up with me.

    I became so good at escaping that I crafted an entire life around it. There was always a new adventure to embark on, another girl to date, something to drink, or a drug to take. I never just sat with my experience of consciousness undisrupted for long enough to illuminate the darkness in it.

    Many years have passed and I’ve now found healthier ways to overcome escapism. Let me get something straight, wanting to escape reality isn’t a bad thing. It’s natural, but it becomes an addiction if we don’t keep this desire in check.

    That’s why I’ve written this article to illuminate the desire of wanting to escape reality, the different forms of escapism, and how we can stop it. This article will give you clarity on why you escape your issues, and how you can overcome this desire, to live a happier, purer life.

    What causes escapism?

    Drinking beers on My Khe Beach, Da Nang, Vietnam

    Escapism is a conscious or unconscious avoidance of reality. It’s when you distract yourself from experiencing undesirable feelings, thoughts, or situations.

    Escapism is when you engross yourself in a fantasy to take your attention away from the real-life situation. However, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The occasional detachment from reality by watching a movie or having some drinks with friends can give you the much-needed space from your problems, where you can revisit them with a clear head.

    But there are types of escapism that are harmful. For example, regularly smoking pot as a way of temporarily subsiding the negative feelings you don’t want to confront is an unhealthy form of escapism. Binge-watching movies when you are in a stressful situation that needs resolving is an unhealthy form of escapism.

    Here’s the difference:

    1. Healthy forms of escapism are when you temporarily remove yourself from a stressful stimulus to revisit it with a clear mind.
    2. Unhealthy forms of escapism are when you attempt to permanently remove yourself from a stressful stimulus, and it becomes a compulsion.

    People tend to excessively escape as a coping mechanism, but they’re not fixing the problem. This means the stressful stimulus never goes away, so the problems pile up.

    While some coping mechanisms like meditation, deep breathing, or venting to someone can help you address the underlying problem, unhealthy escapism is an avoidance of the symptoms, meaning you never get to the bottom of it. As a result, those problems, feelings, or situations just get worse, because they’re neglected.

    Excessive escapism is a poor management of your emotional health. As a result, it leads to more stress and less productivity. It might provide temporary relief which is why it ropes people in, but compulsive escapism is never beneficial in the long run.

    Forms of escapism

    There are many ways that we can escape reality. Some forms of escapism are okay in moderation, other forms of escapism you should steer clear of entirely.

    Here are some common ways that people escape their problems:

    • Daydreaming
    • Watching TV, movies, or videos
    • Reading books
    • Playing video games
    • Scrolling on social media
    • Listening to music
    • Painting
    • Excessive consumption of junk food
    • Shopping/splurging
    • Smoking or vaping
    • Drinking
    • Use of mind altering substances
    • Sexual activity
    • Working all the time
    • Traveling

    Types of escapism

    There are different types of escapism. A type of escapism refers to the method by which someone escapes reality. For example, losing yourself in an artistic pursuit is a different type of escapism from resorting to substance abuse.

    Here are some types of escapism:

    Artistic:

    Artistic escapism refers to activities such as painting, writing, playing music, or creating poetry. Artistic escapism is generally good for you as it gives you an emotional outlet through self-expression, and can also be therapeutic.

    Entertaining:

    Things like reading books and watching movies fall into the category of entertainment-based escapism. This form of escapism has benefits as it offers a mental refuge for a while, but it can also be a problem when the activity becomes excessive, as you end up neglecting the issue at hand.

    Imaginative:

    Imaginative escapism is when you do things like daydream and fantasize. This form of escapism can offer quick relief (after all, you can just think about your happy place), but doing it too often won’t help as it can lead to avoidance.

    Impulsive:

    Impulsive escapism is when you aim to get a dopamine fix. This is an unhealthy form of escapism as it can quickly spiral into addiction. Impulsive escapism includes activities such as drinking, taking drugs, eating junk food, impulsive shopping, and seeking excessive sexual activity. 

    How does escapism impact mental health?

    Escapism

    Your desire to avoid unwanted feelings results in compulsively doing something. This unhealthy indulgence acts as a Band-Aid fix because it’s just covering up the issue, not creating a solution.

    Often, people turn to escapism when they don’t have the emotional intelligence to deal with their trauma, stress, or mental health issues. The more severe the issue, the more of an incentive there is to avoid working on it, which can cause a relentless cycle of escapism.

    Put it this way; Nobody wants to do the dishes, but if you let them pile up, you’re just going to have more dishes to clean.

    In this sense, if you avoid your mental health issues, they’re just rotting under the surface of awareness. They’re not going anywhere just because you’re not looking at them.

    That’s why it’s important to acknowledge your tendency to escape undesirable experiences and learn how to deal with them in a healthier way.

    You need to make a practice of properly managing, processing, and healing your wounds instead of pushing them deeper into your subconscious to rot. This is the only solution to chronic escapism; be present with your problems, feel them thoroughly, and work towards solutions. 

    How escapism exacerbates mental health issues

    When you are confronted with a difficult situation, it’s easy to bury yourself in social media, watch porn, and drink your life away. By giving in to the desire to avoid looking at why you feel the need to do these things, you become reliant on things to distract yourself.

    So you end up constantly seeking pleasure to mask your pain while your problems keep piling up because they’re ignored.

    Imagine you start feeling ill. Instead of going to a medical professional, finding out why you’re ill, and treating the cause, you neglect it. Because you’re neglecting the problem, the symptoms get worse because the underlying problem hasn’t been treated.

    This is how escapism works. If you’re feeling a certain way and decide to watch TV instead of exploring those emotions, you’re ignoring the issue.

    Excessive escapism hinders your personal growth. As someone striving to grow into your best, healed self, you need to face your issues head-on and get to the bottom of them. You need to do the shadow work to uncover why you feel a certain way (and why you’re avoiding those feelings).

    When escapism becomes a problem, there is a root cause to it. This root cause could be stress, trauma, or dissatisfaction with your life. In my case, my desire to escape was mostly because of trauma.

    How to Identify what you’re escaping from

    Man running from his problems

    There’s a fine line between escaping occasionally to relax and doing it out of avoidance. You need to identify why you’re escaping, and if you’re doing it for the right reasons.

    If you’re simply putting on a movie to relax after work, it’s probably not a big deal. But if you feel you need to do something to get away from a particular experience, then it’s coming from a place of avoidance which is never good.

    For me, it was a matter of time until I was in a situation that I couldn’t escape from. After 5 years of traveling, suddenly I was back in Australia living with my mother, with no money, no work, no car, and almost no friends.

    I couldn’t drink away my problems, I couldn’t go out and date. I was alone, helpless, and I knew that it was time to go inwards.

    So I dried myself out and spent a lot of time hiking in nature and meditating. It was uncomfortable at first, but I gained some important insights by giving my true emotions an audience.

    I realized that I still had some severe childhood wounds that were never healed. I thought I had overcome them by building an exciting lifestyle, but it was just a distraction to avoid regressing into childhood feelings. It wasn’t until I was forced back into those feelings that the real healing began.

    If you want to overcome escapism, you need to identify why you need to escape. Do you feel you can’t handle the challenges life is presenting? Are there particularly painful emotions or memories under the surface that you don’t want to look at?

    Is it an emotion that you’re struggling to deal with? If this is the case, you might be escaping as a way to avoid facing your trauma. If so, you need to take a problem-oriented approach by sitting with those emotions and processing them.

    On the other hand, you might be escaping to avoid dealing with a problem in your life. If this is the case, you need to take a solution-oriented approach and work out a resolution to the problem.

    Escapism is the effect, not the cause. By identifying the cause and healing that wound, you’re going to make the effect obsolete.

    How to overcome escapism

    Woman opening her mind with books

    The aim of the game is not to completely stop escapism. Understand that escapism is a natural part of our lives, and it can be useful. But as with anything in life, moderation is key.

    Too much escapism, to the extent you aren’t dealing with your issues, ends up creating more issues via neglect. If you are always laser-focused on reality, then you never catch a break. Sometimes you need to escape your worldly concerns to revisit them with a fresh mind, but the escape must be temporary.

    Therefore, you shouldn’t be asking how to stop escapism, but rather how to find balance with it.

    I suggest sticking to creative forms of escapism as the act of creating things can benefit your mental and emotional health. It’s essentially impossible to go overboard when you’re doing something productive and therapeutic.

    Avoid impulsive escapism, and be strict with yourself when you’re indulging. Make sure you’re also not indulging to avoid a certain feeling.

    Otherwise, keep other forms of escapism to a minimum. It’s okay to watch movies, just be careful not to do it all the time. Recognize when you’re escaping just to relax and enjoy, and when you are doing it excessively.

    Here are some things you can do to overcome the desire to escape.

    Use escapism as a signal

    Try to view excessive escapism as a signal to reevaluate yourself, and to look at what could use improving in your life.

    These uncomfortable feelings are a corridor to growth, as long as you decide to look into your pain. If you try to escape your pain, you also avoid learning what you need to learn to grow as a person.

    That’s why it’s so important to stop resisting what you’re feeling and give your true feelings an audience.

    Start reflecting reguary!

    Overcome your desire to escape by cultivating self-awareness. If you find yourself escaping, reflect. Think about why you’re doing it and what you’re running away from. To cultivate an awareness about hidden feelings that you’re unconsciously escaping, think about the following points.

    • What activities do you engage in the most, and how often do you do them?
    • Are there any stressors in your life that have been around for a long time?
    • What are you insecure about? Are you taking steps to solve these insecurities?
    • Is there any pressing problem in your life that you have consciously been avoiding?
    • Are you aware of any triggers that you have that could be pointing to hidden trauma?
    • Do you notice any reoccurring patterns in your life, and wonder why it keeps happening?

    Become more proactive with your issues

    Start taking action with your problems and look for solutions. Shift your energy from escaping a situation to fixing it. If there’s an outstanding issue in your life, get it out of the way before relaxing.

    People tend to spend so much energy on escaping a situation when those resources should be used to problem solve. Before you turn away from your problems, realize that you have all the power over the situation, and only you can fix it.

    Be productive instead of avoidant

    Next time you feel the need to drink a beer or sink into the TV series you’re watching, change it up. Try exploring new hobbies that actually help you relieve stress and go into your emotions, while simultaneously being enjoyable.

    Meditation is a great practice to start. Try going for walks in nature, or doing some yoga or breathwork. There are many things you can do that will benefit you. And once you practice them enough, you’ll find them to be so much more fulfilling than doing something.

    Sit with your emotions to heal the root trauma

    Healing comes from being completely present with your emotions. Try not to distract yourself when you feel crap. If you do that every time you feel miserable, your desire to escape will lose power.

    It seems counterintuitive, but going into those feelings of contempt is what moves the needle with your healing. By being present with those emotions, you’ll find that it dredges everything up and out.

  • Navigating Life’s Challenges: How To Find Hope During Difficult Situations

    Navigating Life’s Challenges: How To Find Hope During Difficult Situations

    Part of life is to encounter difficult situations. We are all challenged at different times in different ways. This is part of the human condition, there’s no avoiding it, but there is a fine art in navigating life’s challenges.

    Here’s the thing.

    Life isn’t written like a movie. Some plots lead to bigger things, others lead to insurmountable challenges, and some sizzle into vapor. Even if you’re wondering how could it get any worse, your story is still being written. There hasn’t been a conclusion, so what matters most is how you proceed forward.

    We’re going to explore some courses of action you can take when you feel like you’re losing the battle against life. After reading this article, you’ll have new perspectives and courses of action to navigate any difficult situation life throws your way.

    Have faith that things will work out

    dandelion 5178095 1920 1024x576 1

    Your life working out doesn’t necessarily mean your ideal situation will fruit. It means you will get through any challenges that life presents and grow from them, as long as you choose to.

    Your perception of life shapes your belief systems and your overall life experience. If you have a deeply pessimistic view where all paths lead to a dead end, they probably will. Therefore, your ability to view your life situation in a way that instills hope is a skill you need to develop.

    This outlook on life has helped me get through some pretty gnarly situations. I find that the pillars of this perception involve:

    • Have faith that your situation is happening for a reason
    • Trust in the natural order of the universe to bring about the best conclusion for you
    • Realize that worrying about uncontrollable outcomes isn’t productive
    • Recognize that all things in life are impermanent, and this too shall pass

    There have been many times in my life when I was in a difficult situation. One of those times was when I was homeless in the US with no passport or money. But my mantra became ‘This too shall pass’, and sooner or later, the situation always passed.

    Making peace with your situation

    Man contemplating life

    Nothing good comes from fighting against your life situation. You want to navigate it like a river, not change the direction of it.

    If you’re in a tough spot, it’s important to allow the experience to fully occur. Accept the situation for what it is, and don’t try to avoid it. Feeling into the experience is the only way to learn from the situation.

    Treat challenging life situations as trials. They’re pushing you to go deep within so that you can transmute and transform. If you’re trying to escape the experience by distracting yourself or suppressing the pain, the experience will be more difficult to overcome.

    Surrender to the universe

    What has helped me navigate life’s challenges is to surrender to the situation, and let go of what is outside of my control.

    I tell myself “I’ll do what I can, but this is in your hands now”. The act of praying and releasing that need to control the outcome of the situation usually gives me great relief. That’s when I begin to trust the universe more because I’m not fighting against it.

    Surrendering to the situation gives you space to think clearly. That clarity is what allows you to take steps forward and to do what you need to do.

    Trust in the natural order

    Trust in the natural order, that everything is unfolding towards a greater plan. When you look at your situation from a higher perspective, that this is happening for a reason, it becomes easier to trust the process and move forward with it.

    Life operates in phases. It’s not always up. Growth isn’t linear. You will come back down from time to time and be challenged.

    These challenges are like tests. The universe wants to see if you’re truly integral to its teachings, or if you’re all talk and no walk. So when you’re going through something challenging, treat it as a test that you’re being given.

    Don’t resist what you’re going through

    Life is like a river. It has a particular flow to it. If you try to fight against this flow, you’re going to create tension. If you navigate with the flow, it’s going to relieve the pressure.

    Change what you can, but accept what is outside of your control.

    When you try to force change in a situation that’s out of your control, what do you get? Struggle, resistance, and blockages. Everything crams up and your life situation becomes worse because you’re trying to force things.

    Navigate your situation and fully be there with it, rather than trying to push it in a direction that is not going.

    When you do let go of that overbearing control, that’s when you find a sense of peace within the chaos. You find this state of flow when you stop resisting your thoughts and feelings. Work with your situation rather than against it.

    Build trust in positive outcomes

    Woman feeling grateful for her friend

    Start by being mindful of the situation at hand. It’s important to be present with your experience instead of focusing on what could happen or what should happen. Your ability to fully be with your current situation (and emotions) is what will make you feel more at peace.

    It’s important to affirm the outcome you want. You can visualize the desired outcome and create a mental roadmap of what actually will improve your situation, and what needs to be done to get there. Visualization is a powerful tool as it can reshape your thought patterns and give you a sense of direction.

    Let’s start by getting clear on what you want here.

    Ask yourself:

    • What is the best possible outcome you could have?
    • What needs to happen to achieve that outcome?
    • Can you visualize and feel that desired outcome?
    • What course of action do you need to take to move in the right direction?

    Look for the silver lining

    There is something good to come out of every situation that life throws at you. No matter what has happened, think about how you can use this circumstance to evolve yourself.

    Maybe when you get through the situation and heal, you’ll become a stronger person from it.

    Maybe this situation will teach you very valuable life lessons.

    Perhaps by going through this, you can help other people who are too.

    Whatever situation you’re in, there is always something that you can gain from it. Even though these benefits might be overshadowed by the pain you’re experiencing, or how traumatic the situation is. So don’t try to avoid feeling that pain. Naturally, go through it, and then focus on what you can gain from this painful situation.

    Reframe the situation

    How I frame a difficult situation can add or remove a whole lot of stress. So I frame difficult situations in a way that they’re good for me – like spiritual exams that I am capable of passing.

    When I’m going through something difficult I think about the life experience I’m gaining from it. So no matter how hard it is, I think about what I’m learning, and how I can use this wisdom to make my life better.

    When you are going through something, just think about how your future self is going to thank you for overcoming this particular challenge. You’re going through these challenges because your soul is hungry for growth.

    The universe doesn’t hand you anything that your soul didn’t sign up for, so regardless of what you’re going through or how painful it is, remember that on one level or another, you asked for this.

    And you will overcome this, sometimes you just need to be patient.

    Realize that it’s all temporary

    Your life situation is fluid. It’s constantly changing, everything is temporary. Your situation might suck for now, but in a year, or 5 years, or 10 years, you’re going to be a very different person in a very different situation.

    The more you’re tested, the more you’ll see that there is always a light at the end of that tunnel.

    So you cultivate that trust – that understanding that there are forces greater than yourself. And part of that trust is to acknowledge that it will end. Think of all the times you were in a bad place. Were the situations eventually resolved? Think of all the times you thought it would never end. Did it eventually end?

    So trust that this will too, because your future self will be looking back on your bravery right now, from a much better situation.

    Leverage the situation for personal growth

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    You never know if something is actually a blessing in disguise.

    You focus on the pain of the situation and jump to the conclusion that it’s a bad thing – that you’re taking a step back because things are a little difficult again. But it’s truly beyond you to know if this is actually in service of your best possible outcome.

    Just say you’re going through an ugly divorce, and things are looking like a real downer. Perhaps if you didn’t go through the painful process of that divorce, you would avoid the concomitant discomfort, but you know it’s probably not in your best interest, otherwise, there would be no incentive to divorce.

    In this sense, the divorce opens up doorways of opportunity.

    Perhaps this will lead you to find someone who you resonate with more, or it will open you up to a lifestyle you’re truly passionate about that you wouldn’t have had the opportunity to pursue otherwise.

    So every time you’re going through something challenging, ask yourself – what if? What if this is meant to be? What if this leads me to the path I’m meant to pursue?

    Embrace the uncertainty

    Uncertainty is just a part of life. As long as you make any attempt to actually have a dynamic and eventful life, you’re going to experience uncertainty.

    But don’t treat it like a bad thing. It’s okay to be nervous or a little anxious. It’s okay to not know how things are going to turn out. That is part of life. But as long as you don’t let uncertainty deter you, then you’re going to continue progressing your life, regardless of where you are and what you’re dealing with.

    Connect with inspirational content

    It helps to watch inspirational content that can help lift you up. Whether it’s a motivational speaker, a talk, a song, or reading about someone’s life story who has been in your shoes, following inspirational content can help humanize your situation and make you realize that you’re not alone.

    There are plenty of guided meditations that can help. There are a lot of talks that not only give you great information but also provide new outlooks to your situation. If there is someone or something that helps ignite that spark in you, then I suggest absorbing more of that content to help put you through the worst of it.

    Remove unnecessary stressors from your life if you can, and anything that makes you feel worse than you already do.

    Do what you can to improve the situation

    With a clear mind, do what’s within your power to handle the situation. If there is something you’re dealing with, take steps to find a solution.

    If there is no clear solution, utilize constructive coping techniques to help you. You should be putting your resources not just into accepting the situation, but actively doing what is within your power to change it.

    If you want to learn some strategies to do that, click on the link below:

  • Spiritual Bypassing: A Dangerous Habit You Don’t Know You’re Doing

    Spiritual Bypassing: A Dangerous Habit You Don’t Know You’re Doing

    Everyone wants to feel like they’re a success. We want to feel like we’re winning our battles and display an image to the world we’re proud of. However, there is a fine line between genuinely feeling like we’re winners and pretending that we are.

    There is nothing wrong with struggling. Feeling defeated at times is a part of life. Being authentic with our painful feelings leads to acceptance, healing, and life change, but the ego has a powerful grip. The ego seeks instant gratification by flaunting an image that’s congruent with your state of mind.

    This is where people slip into the trap of spiritual bypassing by masking their true emotions to appear like they’ve worked it all out. But unless this image is backed by genuine joy, it’s a facade.

    Spiritual bypassing is something I want to discuss in this article because I see a lot of people who are all front and have no substance. These people tend to boast about being embodiments of love and light, yet refuse to look at the darkness within them.

    When you can’t be true to who you are and what you’re going through, you’re preventing yourself from genuine growth and expansion.

    Spiritual bypassing: All facade and no substance

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    Spiritual bypassing is a form of escapism. It occurs when someone uses spiritual doctrines to avoid confronting their true feelings and insecurities.

    People who spiritually bypass get the idea in their head that negativity is bad when in reality it’s just a part of life. Due to this aversion to negativity, they will generally look at solely the positive side of any situation to avoid acknowledging the ugliness of life in the form of:

    • Darkness
    • Pain
    • Suffering
    • Dysfunction
    • Insecurity

    People who spiritual bypass often have a spiritual ego – that is to assume they have transcended suffering, or no longer experience it. They want to portray an image that they are spiritually advanced, which ironically paints the picture that they have a long way to go. 

    Therefore, every time something goes wrong, they smile their way through it, think happy thoughts, and tell themselves ‘It’s all for a reason’. They will force themselves to embody an image of a sage or guru, while the interior is in a state of decay.

    You often see this dynamic within spiritual communities where everything is portrayed to be perfect, despite how dysfunctional it is.

    Some common examples of spiritual bypassing include:

    • Saying it all happens for a reason instead of allowing yourself to be present with a painful situation
    • Spouting about love and light while being incongruous with it
    • Assuming you are more spiritually elevated than others (and playing the part)
    • Being emotionally disassociated or having difficulty expressing yourself
    • Having a lack of transparency with your true thoughts and feelings
    • Believing you only experience love and positivity, or that there is no room for negativity in your life
    • Avoiding addressing deeper insecurities, worries, and traumas because you believe you’re above it
    • Doing spiritual practice as a way to escape reality
    • Putting all focus on manifesting a great life without doing the hard yards
    • Conceiving generally a warped idea of life and the human condition
    • Avoiding shadow work and healing

    There’s nothing wrong with being positive, as long as it’s genuine. The problem persists when someone uses positivity as a veneer. When you push yourself to be positive or indifferent when you’re hurting, that’s when this whole charade becomes toxic.

    Taking off the mask is the only way that you can reflect, heal your wounds, and expand as a person. As long as you’re playing games with yourself, you will never genuinely reach the level of well-being you want.

    Experiencing the ugly side of life isn’t part of the human condition, and it’s thoroughly woven into every aspect of it. If you don’t embrace the shadows and recognize the duality of life, you are not fully living.

    Spiritual bypassing vs toxic positivity

    The way I see it, spiritual bypassing is consciously avoiding unpleasant thoughts and feelings with a façade of spirituality. For example, spiritual bypassing is when you’re feeling hurt but push yourself to only think positively about the situation without addressing the wound.

    Toxic positivity is framing something harmful in a positive light, or celebrating something that isn’t good for you.

    If you’re morbidly obese and telling yourself that you’re beautiful just the way you are, that’s toxic positivity. Sure, it’s good to love yourself, but you’re avoiding looking at a very real health problem or taking action to resolve it.

    Both spiritual bypassing and toxic positivity are coping mechanisms. By pretending everything is great to make yourself feel a little better in the short run, you’re sabotaging long-term sustainable transformation.

    Rather than exploring the pain and organically healing it, you push it underwater to avoid looking at it. If you’re forcing yourself to only experience the good in life, you will become increasingly disintegrated which leads to spiritual regression, or rather spiritual stagnation.

    The darkness of life exists for a reason. If you refuse to acknowledge it, it doesn’t mean it goes away. You’re avoiding the hard work, and what do you get when you do the inner work?

    You get lessons. You learn, and you develop wisdom and understanding. You heal. Therefore, spiritual bypassing voids the learning and healing that accompanies shadow work, because you’re refusing to look at the shadows.

    Allowing yourself to experience pain and negativity doesn’t make you any less spiritual. You’re not the Buddha, stop putting so much pressure on yourself to have it all figured out.

    Why is spiritual bypassing harmful?

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    Growth requires authenticity.

    If you can’t be real with yourself, you won’t see your areas of improvement. If you can’t see where you can improve, you will not put in the effort to improve.

    Likewise, spiritual bypassing causes you to suppress anything that doesn’t align with your image of who you should be. When you don’t acknowledge your darkness, you never give your real thoughts and feelings an audience. If you don’t look at your dysfunction, how are you supposed to heal it?

    The result?

    Neglect.

    Think of it this way; If you have an infected wound, should you ignore it and hope for the best, or treat it? If you put a crown over a decaying tooth, the tooth is still decaying. Although it looks good to the outside eye, you’re not resolving the issue.

    Spiritual bypassing works the same way. You may learn how to look enlightened to the outside eye, but you are the same dysfunctional mess inside. You may fool other people, you may even fool yourself, but you’re not healing because you believe you’re beyond it.

    Therefore, the surface might look sparkly, but the inside is rotting. This is a golden ticket to mental illness as your well-being, over time begins to deteriorate.

    Healing occurs through acknowledgment, acceptance, and authenticity. If you pretend that everything is always great, you’re preventing yourself from looking at what’s wrong with you.

    Why do people wear a facade?

    People wear facades because they have something to prove.

    The ego is a big culprit of spiritual bypassing. As the ego is the part of you that is concerned about things like your image and status, it may coerce you to fake an image to appease itself. This is why it’s important to find a healthy balance with your ego and to keep it in check.

    People who believe that everything must be positive often feel it’s not okay to be negative. They get the picture in their head that negativity is a step back in their spiritual evolution, and therefore pressure themselves into having it all together to save face.

    You may be aware that you’re not being completely transparent with yourself, but you keep doing it because those temporary dopamine boosts granted through the approval of others are a more desirable alternative to the truth that you’re not winning your battles.

    But it’s an oxymoron because transparency leads to real change.

    You worry about being judged. You avoid confronting your shadows because they’re ugly to look at. You’ve been told by other people that thinking positively is a good thing. It engrains into your psyche that this is what success looks like.

    But it just causes more problems in the end. Sooner or later, that house of cards is going to fall apart. By constantly being positive, you’re acting as a block to your self-betterment. It’s time to put a stop to spiritual bypassing by being transparent with yourself.

    How to stop spiritual bypassing

    Experiencing pain isn’t a bad thing, regardless of the negative connotation. Sure, it sucks, but it’s an essential part of the human experience. From a spiritual perspective, pain exists for a reason; as a teaching mechanism.

    Therefore, I believe education plays a big role in curbing spiritual bypassing. When you realize just how important authenticity is for your own growth and spiritual development, the slow path of genuine growth becomes more appealing than the short-term wins of appealing to the ego.

    Spiritual bypassing is an oxymoron because we tend to act a certain way for spiritual brownie points, but people see through it. What people love to see, especially nowdays in the Instagram era, is authenticity. It’s attractive.

    People actively avoid looking at their shadows because they feel inferior when they do. But we all have a shadow self. We all have things that we’re working on, and honoring the process of self-betterment is what moves the needle, not pretending we’ve won the game.

    Spending your energy appeasing your ego defers responsibility. You know that looking at yourself and doing the shadow work is by no means a fun process. It’s hard work, but it’s rewarding.

    So allow yourself to feel broken sometimes. Allow yourself to feel the pain and the hurt. Look at yourself honestly and examine your dysfunction, inspect your wounds. Allow yourself to be a three-dimensional human, and you set yourself on a much better path.

    Feel the shame of not being good enough. Feel the resentment you’ve been bottling up. Be authentic with your truest emotions, and you will naturally make progress to be a better you.

    Calibrate with your emotional body

    Honor your feelings.

    If you’re feeling something painful, whether it’s in the form of shame, guilt, resentment, or disappointment, allow yourself to sit with those feelings. Don’t brush them away or pretend to be someone you’re not, but honor the pain.

    Self-expression is a crux for authenticity. Cry if you feel like it. I cry often because it feels good. If I have an opportunity to cry, I will, because it’s an emotional purge. Shout if you need to, pray to god, vent to a friend.

    Get out all the nasties that have been hidden behind this wall, and express the crap out of them. Allowing yourself to be fully expressive is like clearing the emotional dam which allows energies to pass organically. You feel much better once you’re calibrated with your emotional body.

    Reflect on your experiences

    People who spiritually bypass don’t tend to reflect. Rather, they suppress anything that doesn’t fit into the framework of who they’re supposed to be.

    If they did reflect, they would have no option but to confront their deeper feelings and insecurities. This is why you should reflect regularly on your experiences, especially if something painful is surfacing.

    Besides being a great way to incorporate teachings, wisdom, and advice, reflection gives you space with yourself. This is what people who spiritually bypass need – space with themselves, to be vulnerable to themselves, to open up to themselves.

    Therefore, reflect on your experiences, and do it often. This is how you cultivate a deeper understanding of who you are, and what you need to work on.

    Remember the basics

    Authenticity is a major staple of spiritual growth. People who are truly on this journey will recognize the duality of the human experience, and acknowledge that there is as much darkness in life as there is light.

    If you are on a spiritual growth journey, you will understand just how important humility is. This is to be completely transparent with your experiences without boasting or bragging. Someone who is humble will not assume they have it all worked out, rather they will see themselves as a student, regardlgess how many others call them a master.

    In my perspectve, humility is the antidote to spiritual bypassing. If you are humble, you will not feel the need to hold an image.

    Ask yourself these questions

    If you want to see if you’re covering up something, be honest with yourself and ask yourself the following questions. Alternatively, you can also read through this list of shadow work prompts to discover hidden issues and concerns that you may not be addressing.

    • Are you calibrated with your emotional body?
    • Are you faking your image to avoid working on your dysfunction?
    • Do you try to make yourself feel better rather than doing the shadow work and healing organically?
    • Do you believe that you should have it worked out by now?
    • Do you feel ashamed when you’re experiencing painful emotions?
    • Do you tend to act positive when you’re going through something painful?

    Remember, spiritual bypassing is a trap. It doesn’t serve anyone. So drop the mask and be your true self. People will respect you for doing so, and see you as a much more genuine person.

  • Identifying Your Triggers: Unconscious Defense Mechanisms For Underlying Emotional Wounds

    Identifying Your Triggers: Unconscious Defense Mechanisms For Underlying Emotional Wounds

    Sometimes, you will get triggered. After all, it’s a natural phenomenon, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it.

    Despite how much work you’ve done on yourself, sooner or later you will bump into someone who redefines the word infuriating. But there’s nothing wrong with that. This person should be thanked, and for good reason.

    A trigger doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. All a trigger does is illuminate a sore spot. It’s an unconscious defense mechanism to divert your attention away from an emotional wound. In other words, someone is bringing up something painful to look at, so you snap back to avoid thinking about it.

    It’s easier to neglect a wound than to take a long hard look at your dysfunction. Your ego wants to actively prevent you from healing the wound because it perceives the wound to be part of its (your) identity.

    This is why you shouldn’t treat a trigger as something bad, nor should you treat someone who triggers you as being in the wrong.

    Your triggers are your teachers. When you listen to these teachers rather than brush them away, you will uncover pathways into your hidden trauma, and use these triggers as catalysts for healing and transformation.

    Triggers, our best teachers

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    While living in the United States, I was in a relationship with a beautiful woman who was a successful entrepreneur. For the most part, things were great. We genuinely enjoyed each other’s company, but something got on my nerves more than it should have.

    Sometimes I felt frustrated because I thought she didn’t care about me. From my perspective, she never took the time to reach into my world when I was hurt or acknowledge what I was going through. This brought up feelings I didn’t want to feel; a wound of neglect.

    After having a bad day one evening, we were hanging out and I commented on it a couple of times, but she didn’t see it as a big deal (and to be honest, it wasn’t). My ego told me a different story, however, and I became engrossed in this narrative that she didn’t care about me.

    I felt I couldn’t express myself, and the only time I could was if I was prompted. So I grew more visibly upset throughout the night because I was feeling unacknowledged – like I was just there for her, but she wasn’t there for me.

    Eventually, I stood up, said “You know what, I’m just going to leave”, and headed for the door. She looked shocked and snapped back “What’s your problem?” Which erupted into an argument.

    We communicated and cleared the air. At a later date, however, the same wound began to resurface. She wanted me to meet some of her friends for a dinner arrangement. This happened to fall on the same day as a ceremony I wanted to attend. Reluctantly, I said I would go.

    The night before the dinner arrangement, I withdrew and said I wanted to do my own thing, as I felt my desires weren’t acknowledged.

    All I wanted was for her to acknowledge that I was sacrificing something I wanted to do, to make her happy. Then in my mind, I would have happily gone. She stormed out and things fell apart.

    Later down the track, once again, everything was going well. Until I got a frantic call from her telling me that her dog had run away at a local park. I immediately called an Uber to get to her apartment, kept her on the phone as she was distressed, and met up with her.

    It was a cold rainy night, and we spent hours searching for the dog. We finally got the dog back, and things started going downhill once again from there.

    No thank you, no acknowledgment, and once again I was triggered. These painful emotions began boiling to the surface. I couldn’t contain my resentment I stormed out, telling her that she didn’t care about me. We stopped seeing each other from that moment.

    This was a particularly painful relationship for me because it illuminated a hidden trauma, the feeling of neglect. Ironically, without experiencing this trigger, I would have never given this wound awareness and never worked on it.

    Even though she genuinely tried to be there for me and didn’t see any issue, my inner child was always screaming “What about me? I’m a person too! Acknowledge me!”

    Most people in a relationship won’t need the affirmation that they are cared for. In my case, however, the reality of the situation was distorted because of this emotional wound.

    What is a trigger?

    Have you ever had someone rub you the wrong way, without actually doing anything wrong? Maybe someone said something that provoked a disproportionate emotional reaction. There may have been no negative intent, but at the same time, you felt personally attacked.

    Maybe when a friend cancels on you last minute, you may think ‘What an asshole! I would never treat a friend like that.’ A part of you feels betrayed, and that part takes over. However, you have no idea where these reactions came from. Why did it hurt so much?

    These are triggers – unconscious, but disproportionate emotional outbursts that are brought on (or triggered) by an external event. The emotional reaction is generally irrational and tends to happen instantly.

    A trigger usually comes in the form of an intense episode of anger, distress, or sadness. When you’re triggered, you may become hostile to someone because you feel like they’re deliberately trying to hurt you. An immature, unconscious part of you erupts because it feels you have been rubbed the wrong way.

    When someone is triggered, it usually comes across as an overreaction to other people.

    I’m sure you can recall times when someone overreacted to something so small – in which they were disproportionately upset and became irrational. Maybe you teased someone in good faith and they exploded. Perhaps you challenged someone’s opinion in good faith, and they took it the wrong way.

    Can you think of any instances where you were triggered?

    How are triggers created?

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    Think of a trigger as an emotional Band-Aid. Triggers are a mechanism to deter your attention from something undesirable to acknowledge. Therefore, a trigger often causes people to project their emotions rather than confront them.

    If you experienced a traumatic event as a child, you didn’t have the emotional maturity to understand it – let alone deal with it. Therefore, the wound is pushed into the subconscious mind so you can get on with your life and return to it when you are emotionally mature enough to heal it.

    This trauma never goes away. It might appear as it does, but it is stored in the emotional body like a poison that slowly rots away your well-being, inside out.

    By the time we grow up, the wound has been buried, but it has never been healed. To keep this wound tucked away in the darkness, your ego becomes overly defensive. If anyone or anything brings your attention to this wound, the ego will attack whatever is doing so.

    When someone touches on a trauma, you unconsciously snap back as a way to prevent yourself, or anyone else from opening up that wound.

    Your ego says “That’s a can of worms I don’t want to open right now, so I’m going to divert your awareness from going inwards”. The ego is like the guard dog protecting a vulnerable baby. The intention is good, but it’s misguided.

    This unconscious mechanism to project causes more harm in the long run as it prevents you from looking at the wound underneath the trigger.

    Why do you need to look at your triggers?

    Your triggers won’t just go away on their own. They are signals that there is something out of balance, and you need to work on those issues by feeling them, learning from them, and resolving them.

    Trauma doesn’t just disappear on its own. It needs to be worked through. If you deflect every time someone brings you awareness to this wound, then you’re never bringing that wound into awareness to be healed.

    This means the wound will remain. Unresolved wounds manifest in different ways. They may manifest as behavioral issues, emotional dysregulation, emotional blocks, depression, anxiety, and even mental illness. Think of trauma as a cancer cell that slowly spreads over time, causing more damage to you the longer it’s left unresolved.

    For example, if you get triggered every time someone leaves, it’s probably covering up a wound of abandonment. If you allow the ego to take control every time you’re triggered, it’s doing its job perfectly – which is to cover up the wound and prevent you from being aware of it.

    If you acknowledge those triggers and use them as invitations to do shadow work: which is to sit with the uncomfortable feelings that arise, reflect, and integrate your experiences, then you set yourself on a path of healing and growth, and use triggers as indicators that something needs healing.

    Common triggers

    • Criticism: You might lash out when someone corrects you. This trigger often comes from core shame, where the person feels as if other people are constantly degrading them, or perhaps being overbearing when they may just be trying to help. “I know exactly what I’m doing, pick on someone else”.

    • Authority: People having authority over you may trigger a wound where you feel like people are always trying to take advantage of you. You may get upset or defensive when someone instructs you. This is often a sign that you didn’t have much say growing up. “I can make my own choices, you have no say”.

    • Boundary: If you felt you couldn’t stand up for yourself when you were younger, you may get triggered when you feel your boundaries are being infringed upon. For example, you might lash out when someone touches you rather than calmly asserting yourself. “I didn’t say you could touch me, go away!”

    • Compliance: Someone who respects rules may get triggered when they see someone break the rules. People with this wound may project when they see others breaking the rules, as it brings awareness to their true feelings of powerlessness. “You’re not allowed to break the rules if I’m not”.

    • Jealousy: You may meet a ‘type of person’ who just rubs you the wrong way for no apparent reason. I’ve had this with the alpha male archetype in different workplaces because it illuminated a desire of mine.

    • Abandonment: When someone leaves and doesn’t tell you why, or where, you may have an intense reaction of anxiety. You may lash out at the person, resent them, or jump to all sorts of conclusions due to a hidden abandonment wound.

    • Neglect: This trigger is often seen in people who didn’t get much attention growing up. People who dismiss you, ignore you, or just don’t pay attention to you incite a heavy emotional reaction, and you might believe they’re being rude or condescending.

    Identifying triggers

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    The first step in healing a trigger is to become aware of it.

    Having a disproportionate emotional reaction to whatever caused it indicates a trigger. If you find that you get riled up at things that don’t seem like such a big deal in retrospect, you’re probably being triggered.

    The bigger the wound, the bigger the trigger. If you explode from something so little, that means you have a gaping hole in yourself that you need to patch up. Having a meltdown from something indicates more severe trauma than getting pissed off about it.

    The more wounds you have, the more you will get triggered by different things. If you have a lot of unhealed trauma from different instances, you will likely be triggered often, by many different things.

    So let’s look at how you can catch these triggers.

    Pay attention to your reactions

    How you react is a key indicator of your triggers. However, since emotional outbursts are usually unconscious, it can be hard to catch yourself when it happens. Most likely you will believe your response is justified, and you’re just reacting proportionately.

    This is why it’s important to pay attention to your emotions, how you feel, and when something unpleasant surfaces. Instead of reacting to your unwanted feelings, try observing them, regardless of how upset you feel.

    Think as rationally as possible every time you’re getting riled up, and instead of falling into impulse, breathe into the feelings and reflect on them. Not to say you can’t have justified emotional reactions, you’re human after all, but make sure you reflect each time you’re upset.

    Once you make an effort of catching yourself when you’re triggered, you can begin healing the underlying wound.

    Notice your reoccurring patterns

    Triggers are often reocurring patterns, meaning similar situations will cause the same outcome. When a painful situation seems to repeat itself routinely in your life, it’s important to look at this pattern.

    If something keeps happening over and over, it could involve trauma that is being illuminated. When this wound is being illuminated, you have a disproportionate emotional reaction. However, because this wound hasn’t been healed, you’re bound to continue repeating that reaction every time that mine is stepped on.

    Look into the painful trends in your life, whether it’s from attracting a particular type of relationship or argument, being taken advantage of, being neglected, or personally attacked. What trends continue in your life, and is there a wound you can identify through it?

    Look at what exactly triggered you

    Can you pinpoint exactly what was said, or done that made you react in a certain way? Try to identify what caused the emotional reaction. Was it something that someone said? Did someone do something that brought up painful feelings?

    When you have cultivated enough awareness about your triggers, you must cultivate a desire to heal them. Affirm to yourself that you want to see the wound. Your awareness will go inwards as long as you keep reinforcing this desire.

    When you are well aware of your triggers by knowing what sorts of situations cause them and why you have them, we can begin the process of healing.

    Healing the underlying wound

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    The only way to get rid of triggers once and for all is to heal the wounds that they’re covering up. This by no means is an easy practice, but like all healing, practice, patience, and perseverance are important keys.

    Acknowledge that you’re probably distorting the reality of the situation due to your wounds. Use this knowledge as a springboard to launch into your emotions and work on them.

    When you allow yourself to feel the pain fully without distracting yourself, projecting, or trying to escape it. Can you name the emotions you are feeling? Is it guilt, shame, jealousy, or resentment? Can you sit with those uncomfortable emotions without judging them or feeling ashamed of them?

    Being present with an emotional reaction can be an unpleasant process. Because the emotional reaction is due to a wound, it may be painful to allow these associated thoughts and feelings to rise to the surface.

    Feeling the hurt is like disinfecting the wound. You’re flushing out this pain, and acknowledging it. The more you sit with it, the less it will hurt with each consecutive time, and the less you will feel triggered when something brings you awareness to this emotion.

    Furthermore, it’s important to show yourself compassion when you’re going through this process. Think of the inner child who just wants to be accepted. Self-love is so hard to do, especially when we have these gaping wounds because they allude us into thinking that the cure is outwards, but it’s not.

    You also want to practice healthily expressing yourself. If someone does something that you take offense to, how can you manage your emotions to better handle the situation? How can you respond to the situation without exacerbating it?

    When you build a habit of expressing yourself healthily – that is to allow yourself to be angry, sad, or hurt in an introspective, conscious way, the trigger loses power. Instead of bottling up the pain until it explodes, your emotional health becomes much easier to manage.

    Dealing with triggered people

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    If you trigger someone else, first of all, realize that it’s not you at fault. Something you did pressed on a sensitive spot, which caused an emotional reaction. In this case, you may gently bring their attention to their disproportionate reaction, but when someone is fired up, they are unlikely to be rational.

    Don’t try to make them see it. In most cases, this is just going to make the situation worse. Their trigger is a defense mechanism. Their ego will make you out to be the culprit because it’s trying to prevent you from opening up the wound.

    Therefore if you’re telling them that they’re reacting this way because of a trigger, or that they’re at fault, they’re probably just going to get more triggered. In their eyes, you’re probably gaslighting them, or manipulating them into being wrong just to save yourself.

    Instead, just understand.

    Don’t react to their projection. Hold space for the person, be there for them, and don’t be judgemental. This may be difficult to do because you may feel wronged. When you lead with compassion and understanding, however, this is often a big self-reflection moment for people.

    This is an appropriate time to gently talk to them about what happened – of course coming from a place of understanding and compassion. Not authority – saying I am right!

    Knowing how to navigate triggers is a skill we should know. Generally, it will make social interactions easier, and it allows us to do the deeper shadow work and healing that is required to reach our highest timelines.

  • Emotional Detoxing: Purging Dense Energy Via Catharsis

    Emotional Detoxing: Purging Dense Energy Via Catharsis

    If you have an act for helping people through their problems, you may find that people often turn to you for help. Maybe they deliberately seek you out, but often there’s an unconscious magnetism which is a sign that you’re a true healer.

    Being a go-to for healing can be exhausting at times, but there’s a reason why people tend to unload their problems on you.

    It’s your energy.

    People trust you. They feel like you’re a safe container who will listen to them.

    Helping people is great, and if there is one thing the world needs more of, it’s healers. But there are also complications.

    Sometimes people will drain your battery. They’re dumping all of this negative energy that you can take on yourself (especially if you’re sensitive to energy). Sometimes people will take advantage of you or overstep their boundaries.

    Let’s look at how you can offload any negative energy you take on through emotional detoxing.

    Releasing dense energy

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    Dense energy (also known as negative energy) is a quality of energy that feels heavy and miserable. It’s a quality of energy (or vibration) associated with suffering, therefore energies such as guilt, shame, and resentment are dense.

    Dense energy can be induced by trauma and it tends to build up if we don’t process it. It’s stored in your emotional body and tends to get trapped there. When negative energy is trapped in your emotional body, it manifests into other forms of dysfunction.

    When people experience trauma, the negative energy is stored in their bodies until they release it. From a more psychological perspective, we understand the release of negative energy as catharsis. From a more holistic perspective, we understand this as purging.

    It’s great to help people release negative energy by providing the space that facilitates catharsis, but you do need to learn how to do it in a way where you avoid taking on this energy.

    Energy is a property of the universe rather than a construct of the brain. This means that energy exists outside of the body, and you can take on dense energy that is being purged.

    Taking on energy works in the same way that you vicariously feel the good vibes of someone who is dancing, singing, and feeling amazing, because they’re radiating positive energy.

    Keep it casual

    Get on the person’s level. It’s important to be on their wavelength because they need to have that emotional connection with you if they’re going to allow themselves to be vulnerable with you.

    Therefore, you need to be a safe, grounded presence so the person you’re with can let their guard down around you. If they feel any pressure, or even the slightest bit uncomfortable around you, they’re going to lock up and keep it all bottled in.

    Hold space for the person you’re with

    Holding space for someone means to be completely present with them by connecting emotionally, and providing a space that feels safe for them to go through their processes. The point of holding space for someone is to create an environment where the person you’re helping can open up and express themself without judgment or consequence. 

    If you are holding space for the person, they’re probably not going to have any issue opening up about their problems when you touch on them.

    Encourage the person to purge

    When someone stores a lot of negative energy in their body, there needs to be some sort of release value.

    When you’re helping someone out, you want them to purge so that they expunge some of the negative energies they’re holding onto.

    Puring is cathartic. People usually release negative energy by crying, ranting, labored breathing, panicking, yelling, and getting emotional in whatever form it comes. Purges can be quite intense because the person purging is discharging a lot of negative energy.

    Help the person Integrate

    After the person gets it all out, they’re going to feel a lot better. The energy level will lighten up and all the tension in the air will disappear.

    Now that they’ve gotten out a lot of that charged energy, the person will usually say they feel much better or thank you for listening to them. This calm after the storm provides a great environment for reflection.

    Taking precautions

    Puring negative energy from emotional body
    Do you ever find that you take on other people’s problems?⁣ You might be great at helping them get rid of negative energy, but you tend to sponge it all up. 
    ⁣
    After holding space for someone who purges, they feel a whole lot better, but you feel worse? That’s because you’re not protecting yourself, rather you’re soaking up that energy.
    ⁣
    For people who are empathic, sometimes it’s hard to avoid taking on other people’s problems. But there are things you can do to help protect you.
    ⁣
    Here are some things you can do to protect yourself and clear unwanted energies.⁣

    Set healthy boundaries

    When people see that they can easily release their problems around you, some people might try to take advantage of you.⁣

    That’s why it’s important to set healthy boundaries and be wary about who you spend your time around. That’s their energy you’re taking on, you have no responsibility to do so, even if it helps them, so make sure you’re conscious about who you share your energy with.⁣

    Ground yourself

    Make sure you remain grounded in your interactions with other people. Be present, breathe, stand in your power as a conduit who has control over the situation rather than as sponge who is at mercy of the situation.⁣

    If someone’s trying to take advantage of your presence or disrespect your boundaries, cut them off. Protect 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 first, then help others when it feels right for 𝘺𝘰𝘶.⁣

    Use fire as a container

    You might notice that during ceremonies, there is usually a fire. Fire acts as a container for energy which absorbs and transmutes it.⁣

    When you’re doing healing work with people, it’s always good to have fire in the healing space.

    If you don’t have the capacity to create a bonfire, it’s a good idea to have candles, or other sources of fire in the space that you’re holding for them.

    When someone purges energies around a fire, it does most of the work for you and prevents build up of negative energy in your energetic body.⁣

    Purge anything you took on

    Sometimes you will take on stuff. If you spend some time helping someone release some serious pain, you might start feeling exhausted, anxious, ungrounded, even depressed.

    This can manifest as illness, getting sick, having physiological symptoms etc. And you can’t always avoid taking on other people’s stuff. When you take on the energy of other people, it’s now your problem to dispel that energy. And the only way you can really do that is to treat it like your own trauma.⁣

    So you need to purge, do shadow work, release, and heal. This process can take time, depending how efficient you are at it, and what exactly you took out of the person who you were helping.

  • How To Practice Shadow Work: A Guide For Self-Integration

    How To Practice Shadow Work: A Guide For Self-Integration

    How important is it to look like you’re doing well in life? You want to be seen as a winner in life because you’re the hero of your own story, it’s only natural. But are you suppressing everything less than photogenic due to your insecurities?

    Are you hiding aspects of your identity from the world because you don’t want to be associated with them? You might fool the world, you might even fool yourself, but beyond this facade is a wounded, less-than-perfect you, and maybe, you just need to give him a little support.

    We all have a shadow that lives undisrupted in the unconscious mind. This shadow represents the ugly side of who you are and shows its face when you drop the mask. You try to maintain an image that you’re successful, and mature, or that you have your life together to avoid looking at this shadow.

    However, that shadow can’t simply be ignored because it’s a part of you.

    Until you bring awareness to this shadow, it will always be there within you, showing its face in the form of dysfunction. It can be an uncomfortable process looking at your demons, but it’s also a liberating process. A process that’s necessary if you want to experience wholeness: Where you’re not constantly on the run from yourself.

    Shadow work is the process of integrating the hidden aspects of yourself that aren’t so beautiful to look at. So let’s explore this practice so you know how to bring your dark side to the light, to become a more integrated person.

    What is shadow work?

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    Shadow work is the process of integrating aspects of yourself that you have rejected. It’s an essential part of the healing process, and a necessary practice if you feel like you’re missing something in your life.

    In other words, shadow work is the act of bringing light to hidden trauma, and integrating aspects of yourself that you once disowned.

    Illuminating the darker, hidden aspects of yourself allows you to heal the wounds that have caused your shadows. If you’re not aware of them, how are you supposed to work on them?

    Imagine the practice of shadow work as peeling off the mask you’ve been wearing your whole life – and scrubbing off the grime that has built up underneath it. These undesirable aspects of yourself have been rotting away underneath the pretty facade you’ve been wearing, as they haven’t seen the light of day.

    Avoiding shadow work leads to issues such as disintegration and spiritual bypassing, which is to act as your higher self, but not be integral to it.

    But you need to bring awareness to your ugly side and accept it as a part of who you are. This is where you can start healing it, and integrating it into yourself.

    The benefits of shadow work

    There are a lot of benefits to shadow work, and it’s a deeply rewarding process. Shadow work acts as a powerful platform for healing and integration, as real healing requires you to look at the ugly side of yourself. By confronting your inner demons, you gain a deeper understanding of:

    • Why you are the way you are, and what caused you to be this way
    • Your wounds. You more clearly see your trauma, what caused it, and how it is affecting your life
    • Your dysfunctional self-image, and why you see yourself in certain ways
    • You can identify limiting belief systems and begin to work on them.

    If you don’t integrate your shadows, you create a divide between the higher self and the lower self, instead of recognizing that it is all the self.

    This can have some serious consequences on your well-being.

    Have you ever been triggered and exploded? You might be a gentle, kind person, but at times, something might overtake you. That’s because a repressed side of yourself is coming out, and instead of just having a normal reaction that is integral to who you are, the repressed side comes out in force.

    By putting on a mask and covering up the wounds that cause you to feel a certain way in the first place, you never actually heal. This means there will always be some sort of dysfunction in your life. You might not notice it, but it will be there, and it will manifest in different ways until you get to the root issue.

    Shadow work can also help you develop greater self-compassion. After all, it’s a journey of self-love that can lead to greater fulfillment and authenticity in your life.

    What is shadow work helpful for?

    • letting go of painful memories and the associated emotions
    • Healing childhood trauma and deep-rooted wounds
    • Overcoming particular blocks in your life (relationships, money etc.)
    • Recognizing and correcting dysfunctional attitudes, behaviors and beliefs
    • Identifying harmful mindsets and perceptions
    • Discarding self-sabotaging belief systems
    • Spiritual growth and a better understanding of who you really are
    • Becoming more comfortable with yourself
    • Discovering passions and interests that have long been repressed
    • Gaining more clarity about your life situation

    When is shadow work necessary?

    • When you experience something undesirable about yourself, whether it’s a thought, feeling or belief, it needs to be processed and understood
    • You find yourself frequently experiencing emotions like anger, jealousy, or shame, and you’re not sure why
    • You have an unexplained aversion or dislike to something (like meeting someone and instantly disliking them, but you’re not sure why)
    • You notice self-sabotaging behaviors such as avoidance of positive things, procrastination, addictions, or indecisiveness 
    • When you notice a recurring pattern of issues in your relationships that seem to follow you
    • You’re always on edge but can’t pinpoint why
    • Past memories or traumas are repeatedly resurfacing, and you have an unconscious habit of pushing them away
    • There are some deeper insecurities that you know you need to address
    • When you get triggered by something, or see an ugly side of you come out that was unwarranted

    Understanding the shadow-self

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    The shadow self is an analogy of your lower self and represents everything that’s wrong with you. In this sense, the shadow self is a reflection of everything that’s negative, painful, or undesirable about yourself. It’s the side of you that you’re trying to avoid.

    Characteristics, behaviors, and attitudes that you perceive as inferior are disowned and consciously avoided (which creates the shadow self).

    Anything that you see as contradictory to your beliefs about who you should be is repressed. This creates polarity within your sense of self.

    As people tend to focus on being their best selves, they often end up completely abandoning anything that doesn’t resonate with their image of who they want to be. This is called spiritual bypassing – and it’s not a good thing.

    True healing takes time. There’s no quick fix or way around it. When people try to become their best selves but refuse to do the dirty work, they end up pushing aspects of themselves into their shadow. What happens is the surface looks all nice and shiny, the person might be polite, charismatic, confident, and secure – but it’s just a play. Their persona is not integral to the way they feel.

    This shadow eventually starts leaking out in the form of breakdowns, behavioral issues, and emotional issues – and manifests into all sorts of dysfunction in your life. How often have you gotten to know someone who seemed great, then bit by bit, you see more dysfunctions surfacing?

    When your shadow is not integrated, you will have a feeling that something isn’t quite right, and wonder why you still have so many issues. But usually, you will have no idea what the cause is, because the surface looks clean. You can’t just pretend a part of you doesn’t exist. And if you do, then perhaps you won’t have to look at it, but it’s never actually going away.

    When you’re fully healed, you don’t have a shadow self. You just have a self, which experiences all things pleasant and unpleasant, ‘good’ and ‘bad’, without labels or judgment. You’re not trying to escape a part of you, as you’re comfortable in your skin, and have an authentic expression.

    How is the shadow self created?

    Imagine you’re a kid, and a family member scolds you for expressing anger. Even though the intention might not be bad – you start believing that these emotions, or experiences are bad.

    As a result, you learn to repress those emotions, and consciously avoid them every time they come up. So you start walking on eggshells and swallow it every time you feel upset. You begin to believe that this side of yourself shouldn’t be expressed, the more you repress it.

    It’s not like you’re working on the root cause of these painful emotions that are causing your anger in the first place, or finding a healthy vent for them, you’re just shoving it out of awareness and covering it with a façade.

    Since this aspect of yourself is repressed, this means you can’t work on it. Therefore, it continues doing damage under the surface until you bring this repressed part of yourself into awareness, and integrate it.

    Another example is if you were bullied, or perhaps made fun of for crying in school. Due to the shame you experienced, you create the belief that crying is unacceptable, or unmanly. So you grow up repressing normal human emotions like sadness every time you feel it.

    So what happens? It begins forming dysfunction, something you can’t quite put your finger on – because you haven’t associated the cause and effect. You might start having issues with mental health later down the track. You may start getting triggered by people, or having seemingly random emotional outbursts when someone rubs you the wrong way.

    You may begin unconsciously avoiding any situation that could potentially bring up these sorts of emotions – which results in limitations in your life. There will be another unpleasant side of you that will keep showing its face because this shadow has never been understood and healed.

    Discover your shadow self

    By looking into your shadow, you can discover a lot about yourself. Are you insecure, but cover it up with a confident persona? Do you find yourself seething with anger sometimes, but manage to keep it under control? Are there aspects of your personality that you try to hide from people because you’re ashamed of them?

    If you’re aware of this, then you’ve already made a great start. From here, you can pretend to be the highest version of yourself and neglect anything that doesn’t resonate with you. This might work for some time, but it’s going to cause more problems down the track.

    Or you can look at the wounded, dysfunctional part of your psyche – and take action to heal those neglected parts of yourself. This is the path of genuine healing and transformation, not the quick Band-Aid fix.

    Think about what the worst possible version of yourself would look like. You’re trying to build a picture of yourself if you went in a really bad direction, and became everything that you despise. This is your alter ego, the worst version of yourself, a portrait of your lower self. 

    Do you see yourself as a drug-addicted loser, an insecure beta male who just never gets it, a freak that nobody likes, or a colossal failure to your parents, wife, or loved ones? Does it sting to see yourself in this light? Good, it should.

    Build an accurate image of what the lowest version of yourself looks like. The more it hurts thinking about this version of yourself, the more shame or guilt you feel, the better. So use your emotions as a compass, because it means you’re hitting on a sore point.

    • What do you look like?
    • What is your personality like?
    • What does your lifestyle look like?
    • What sort of things do you do?
    • How are you with other people?
    • What is it about yourself that you just can’t stand?

    Healing the discarded aspects of self

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    Shadow work isn’t something you do. It’s the process of sitting with your emotions, reflecting on the negative things you’re feeling, and eroding your past trauma.

    To integrate your shadow self, you first need to cultivate an awareness of what you’ve repressed and explore it. This can be a particularly uncomfortable process, but it’s necessary. Use your shadow avatar that you just created to dig into what you’re feeling, and why you’re feeling it.

    After being aware of what aspects of self have been repressed, you need to accept those parts of yourself and show yourself compassion, love, and understanding. The healing is a byproduct of being aware of your pain points, looking into them, and sitting with the emotions until they no longer sting.

    In the same sense, you’re always doing shadow work, as long as you’re conscious about it every time something painful comes up. On the other hand, if you decide to put on a façade that you’re perfectly fine, you’re not going to explore your shadows and the same patterns are going to reoccur in your life.

    If you’re pissed off because you got screwed over by a client, shadow work is sitting with those emotions, inspecting why you feel so frustrated, and organically letting go of the resentment you’re feeling.

    So when you are feeling something painful, it’s good to minimize distractions and avoid escaping those feelings. This is why it’s good to give yourself an audience by meditating, journaling, or simply just by sitting with your thoughts and going through the motions in silence.

    The shadow work cycle of awareness

    The Shadow work cycle of awareness

    Integrate the experience

    When something comes up, you need to reflect on it. Every painful emotion that surfaces, spend some time introspecting, feeling it, and integrating the experience of why it’s there, and what you can learn from it.

    Probe your pain points

    Probing is to seek understanding about why you are the way you are. This is done by poking around on your wounds to see what comes up, and what needs to be worked on. Probing is the inquisitive, learning part where you bring repressed aspects of yourself to the surface, and provoke an emotional reaction.

    Heal the open wounds

    Healing is the act of expunging energies from your body. It’s an essential part of the shadow work process and creates space for integration. This is the charged, painful part of the healing process. It’s when you feel a build-up of painful energy, and get it all out.

    How to make your shadow work process more effective

    Making shadow work an effective practice

    Allow yourself to be vulnerable

    If your walls are up, you’re just preventing yourself from doing the hard work. Let yourself be vulnerable and allow your inner (wounded) child to come out, so that the real work can be done.

    Be authentic

    Being authentic is to be true to what you feel, instead of beating around the bush. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel painful emotions come up, acknowledge them. You need to make a practice of being in tune with your emotional body, and processing everything uncomfortable that comes up.

    Be honest with yourself

    Be honest about who you are and what you need to work on. This includes being sincere about your traumas, what hurt you, and the things you’re feeling. If you’re just pretending that all is fine and dandy, you’re not going to get anywhere in the shadow work process.

    Humanize the experience

    Be real with yourself. Don’t think you’re a robot that always has it all under control. Recognize that you’re not perfect, that it’s hard, and this humanization will make it much easier on yourself.

    Best shadow work practices

    Now that we’ve looked at some techniques and processes to integrate your shadow self, now we’re going to look at practices you can do to aid this process. Start doing these practices when needed, and every time you see your shadows surface, you can further integrate them into who you are.

    The more you make a habit of integrating your shadow self every time it comes up, the less of an appearance it will make. What this means is that you won’t have the same triggers and setbacks anymore. After a while, you’ll realize that you feel good.

    You’re not ashamed of yourself anymore. You can express yourself in a healthy way. What you were trying to get away from is gone, and it’s not an issue anymore, which opens up a much healthier expression of self. Bit by bit, build the habit of sitting down with these unpleasant feelings, exploring them, and processing them.

    Watch your triggers

    Your shadow often comes out through triggers. Triggers are essentially a leakage of your unconscious mind, and occur when someone presses on a sore point that has been covered up. Triggers can take the form of lashing out, having an emotional outburst, or having some sort of reaction that isn’t proportional to the cause.

    By being aware when you’re having these reactions, you can start to uncover why you’re having such a big reaction to something that most people see as such a little deal. This will point you in the direction of your discomfort, where you can feel those emotions, sit when them, and heal them.

    Engage in inner dialog

    Do you ever just talk to yourself and create a dialog? It’s a good way to really animate a thought process, and flush it all out. If you’re feeling a certain way, or something has come up that you don’t like, I suggest talking about it with yourself. Allow yourself to vent and get it off your chest. Seriously… give it a try. I go into more depth about this in the article below.

    Make a habit of writing in a journal

    Personally, I keep a shadow journal which is a collection of all my dark and painful thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and so forth. By keeping a journal and recording your healing process, you are bound to catch a lot of things that come up, and more easily find patterns and triggers.

    Writing down all your negative thoughts and feelings when you’re experiencing them will give you more clarity, organization, and help when doing the dirty work.

    Express yourself through an artistic medium

    Do something creative that channels your subconscious mind. It doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as the medium allows you to get into that flow state. By getting into that flow state, you express a part of yourself that doesn’t get expressed much.

    By doing this, you bypass the conscious mind, and this is great for inspecting what comes out. Likewise, it acts as a purge, as you’re releasing pent energy and expressing yourself through a particular medium which is healing in itself.

    Practice a meditative discipline

    Things like meditation, attending healing ceremonies, and yoga are great ways to encourage your shadow to come to the surface. Usually, we distract ourselves and try to avoid looking at the shadow self, so by making a practice of looking deep into yourself, it’s going to be easier to see your shadow and work on it.

    New to meditation and not sure where to start? I wrote a complete guide for meditation which you can find by following the link below.

    Use shadow work prompts

    Shadow work prompts are questions, keywords, or phrases intended to trigger certain thought processes and facilitate introspection. By reading through prompts and seeing if any painful emotions surface, you can make a habit of sitting with those emotions, processing the experience, and letting the trauma go.

    Prompts can really be anything, and they’re a great way to probe around and find out if you have hidden wounds that need healing. I write an article dedicated to shadow work prompts which you can find below. So if you’re looking to dive deeper into your healing right now, follow the link below.

  • The Best Coping Strategies To Restore Emotional Equanimity

    The Best Coping Strategies To Restore Emotional Equanimity

    What do you do in those moments when you feel like your life is caving in? Your mind is on overdrive, you’re trapped in an unsustainable state of emotional turmoil.

    When you’re in the midst of a distressing situation, simply stepping back and composing yourself is not an easy task. That’s why it’s important to learn some coping skills to help you restore equanimity when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

    Coping skills refers to your ability to manage and mitigate situations that cause you distress. People who are good at coping tend to keep a level head in difficult situations, while people who haven’t honed this skill tend to panic.

    Whatever is happening in your life, you know what something needs to change. So let’s look at some things you can do to cope with your situation, regardless of what you’re going through.

    Identifying coping strategies

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    Depending on what you’re going through, you might have a whole lot of pressure on you, and it’s also possible that you’re just not as skilled at handling the pressures that you do have.

    If you’re going through something quite extreme in your life that has shaken everything up: Such as losing someone close to you or going through a divorce, feeling overwhelmed by it all is a pretty natural part of the adjustment period. By sitting with the pain and healing the wound that’s causing the distress, that’s when you’ll feel much better.

    On the other hand, if you’re not necessarily presented with any outstanding circumstances, but you find that you’re not coping with daily life, then it comes down to how you manage your emotions, and the stressors of everyday life.

    If it’s the latter, I find that the inability to cope usually comes down to two core ingredients.

    1. You are not adapting to new situations in your life
    2. You’re trying to control the situation

    The inability to adapt can put a lot of pressure on you. You remain fixed on the past instead of being completely present with the situation at hand. If you find that you struggle to adapt to changes in your life, read the article below:

    The need for control can also create a lot of pressure. When you’re trying to control a situation that is out of your control, needless to say, you’re setting yourself up for a bad time. So instead, let go of control. Learn how to do that below:

    Signs that you’re feeling overwhelmed

    Overwhelm is really just stress levels getting out of control. It tends to happen when you have too much on your plate, and you can’t manage everything that’s happening in your life.

    Depending on what you’re experiencing and what the source of distress is, it’s important to have some flexibility in your coping mechanisms, as every situation is unique. Different courses of action will be more effective for different issues that you’re facing.

    Here are some common signs that you’re feeling overwhelmed:

    • You have difficulty managing your thoughts
    • You find it hard to concentrate
    • You feel flustered, or as if you aren’t functioning optimally
    • You feel irritable or on edge
    • You’re constantly on high alter
    • You may experience insomnia, or struggle to relax
    • There is a build-up of tension in your body
    • Your emotional state is unstable
    • You are having panic attacks or meltdowns
    • You’re overreactive or easily triggered

    Identifying what you need to coping with

    There are different ways to cope with different problems.

    The cause of your distress is one of two options, which determines what coping skills you should employ. These are:

    1. Problem-based coping
    2. Emotion-based coping

    Problem based coping

    Problem-based coping is when there’s a clear cause of your distress, and there’s an outstanding issue that needs to be dealt with. This is an issue in your life such as going through a transition, losing a job, or experiencing conflict with family.

    If your distress is problem-based, it will usually be fixed by solving the problem causing the stress. Therefore, you should take a proactive stance on the issue, and focus on problem-solving.

    Emotion based coping

    Emotion-based coping is when there is no clear cause to your distress, or there is no outstanding issue in your life. This is when you’re experiencing distress related to your past, and is usually the result of trauma or a wound that needs to be healed.

    If your distress is emotion-based, you need to heal the root cause. Therefore, it’s important to do the inner work, sit with the feelings, and heal rather than try to fix the problem.

    Ineffective coping mechanisms

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    When you’re feeling overwhelmed, your first instinct might be to indulge.

    After all, you want the relief, so you tend to engage in activities that give you a dopamine boost. Even though getting those dopamine boosts here and there is okay to get you through, you don’t want to become reliant on them.

    The reason why you don’t want to become reliant on compulsive activities is because they’re an act of escapism.

    When you’re feeling overwhelmed, you need to engage in activities that help you regulate your emotional state and get to the roots of your emotional pain. Avoiding what you’re feeling is not resolving anything.

    You should be using these painful feelings as a trampoline for personal growth, and personal growth should be your avenue to manage and heal the underlying reasons why you’re feeling this way.

    If you’re simply escaping the feelings by distracting yourself, not only are you just covering up the pain, but you’re making the situation worse.

    ❌ Drown out your sorrows

    The last thing you want to do is cope by using alcohol, marijuana, or drugs (including pharmaceuticals). Taking something to relieve you might seem like the easy option as it temporarily makes you feel like you’re winning, but it’s a slippery slope.

    Taking something to deal with your problems obviously isn’t a good way to cope as they’re just a Band-Aid fix.

    • If your issue is problem-based, then taking something is just going to make you unproductive and avoid the issue.
    • If your issue is emotion-based, you’re just temporarily covering up the deeper wounds which won’t actually heal the root cause.

    My rule of thumb: Only take alcohol or drugs to celebrate, never to cope. Psychedelics are a different story, but that’s a whole other discussion for another time.

    ❌ Binge TV and video games

    Excessively watching movies or playing video games is just going to degrade your mental state. To cope with distressful situations, you need to be present with them. You need to feel the emotions and learn from them. If you’re distracting yourself by watching something, you’re just avoiding doing the inner work that is required.

    Because you’re avoiding the inner work, you’re not actually healing the root cause or doing anything to solve the problem. Likewise, you’re not going to learn from it or grow as a person.

    That’s why you should focus on being mindful during difficult times in your life, because not only will that lead to a resolution, but you’ll grow a lot through it.

    ❌ Fill your stomach

    Food is often a go-to when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Even if you have no appetite, you may find yourself eating and consuming because it’s a way to occupy yourself from the issue.

    Eating also gives you a dopamine boost which you might desperately want when you’re feeling distressed, but it’s just a cover. As soon as you finish eating, you’re going to want to consume something else, and it’s usually an unconscious process.

    Therefore, refrain from excessive eating or consuming, and try to keep your diet healthy. The temporary relief of eating junk is not worth perpetuating the distress. You want to be present with your feelings, not eat them away.

    ❌ Ruminate

    Avoid constantly playing it over in your head, or jumping to the worst-case scenario. It’s easy to get caught in needless loops when you’re drumming up the issue to be worse than it is, but not really feeling into it either or accepting the situation.

    For example, repeatedly saying ‘I’m going to fail, I’m going to fail” isn’t going to help you regain emotional equanimity. You’re just going to exacerbate the issue and torment yourself. Because you’re so focused on failing, you’re going to make failure an increasingly viable option.

    So get a grip and be productive. It’s not the time to beat yourself with a stick.

    Practical ways of coping

    Person meditating in nature

    Learning how to cope with an overwhelming situation in a healthy way allows you to manage your emotions and restore emotional equanimity.

    It’s always best to ground yourself and bring yourself back to reality, then deal with the situation at hand that is causing you distress. While you’re in a panicked, anxious state, it’s going to be counterproductive to get anywhere, and this can create a vicious cycle.

    Here are some of my best practices to cope with difficult situations, and restore emotional equanimity.

    ✅ Find a flow with your breath

    When you feel overwhelmed you go into overdrive. Your mind starts racing, which makes you feel like you need to do something. But doing something right here right now might not be a productive approach. You first need to regulate yourself, and your breath is the best avenue to do this.

    Focus on your breathing and spend at least 5 minutes solely concentrating on your breath until you find a flow with it.

    If your mind is racing, just keep bringing it back to your breathing until it starts to stabilize. Here’s what you should do:

    • Slow down your breathing
    • Take deep inhales, hold, and extended exhales
    • Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth
    • Visualize white energy coming in, and dark anxious energy leaving
    • Continue this process until you calm down and find a natural flow with your breathing

    ✅ Put your body in motion

    Those feelings of being overwhelmed are very active energies that you want to release from your body. As tension starts to build up in your body, you need to let it go, otherwise, you’re going to become an unstable nuclear reactor.

    Motion is the best way to do this. You can shake it out, stretch, and move around until you get most of the tension out of your body and feel calmer.

    Here are some things you can do when you feel this angst and restlessness building up.

    • Shake out your arms and legs
    • Stretch your body
    • Shake your tongue, move your mouth and make sounds
    • Jump up and down
    • Breath heavily with long out exhales through the mouth
    • Do yoga or some sort of physical activity

    ✅ Resolve what’s in your control

    If you’ve done the above two exercises, you should be feeling a little calmer. Now you can start doing the productive stuff.

    Start by putting what you can control regarding the situation and what you can’t control into different baskets. If it helps, draw a T and write them down. This is a necessary step to gain more clarity on what you can do, and what you need to accept.

    Now that you’ve broken down what you have control over and what you don’t have control over, the aim is to accept what you can’t control, and act on what you can control.

    ✅ Accept the worst case scenario

    A big part of the distress comes from trying to avoid an undesirable situation or consequence. So we put all of our energy into preventing ourselves from thinking about it, but this can cause more stress in itself.

    A tactic to cope with stress that has served me well is to do the following:

    1. Think about the worst-case scenario, and allow your mind to wander
    2. Visualize the worst-case outcome as if it is inevitable
    3. Sit with the emotions and feelings that come up. Process them
    4. Once you really feel those emotions, they will start to fade as you reach a point of acceptance
    5. Put it into perspective and realize that your situation isn’t the end of the world

    The worst-case scenario is probably not very likely to happen at all, but it could have some pretty big consequences in your life. Whether it’s losing someone close to you, ruining your career, or going to prison, if you actually feel into this mental scenario like it has happened, it’s going to really hurt.

    But then as you start to feel acceptance, that sting will go away.

    Afterwards, you might feel much better about the situation at hand, because in comparison, it really doesn’t seem that bad now.

    By picturing things going wrong and where that potentially leads, you might realize that you’ll get through it. You take the pressure off yourself by coming to terms with what could (but probably won’t) happen.

    ✅ Follow it back

    Follow the string of pain back to the root cause. If there’s something I’ve learned throughout my life, it’s that there is always another layer. Whatever you’re feeling is probably not the bottom of the pit.

    When you think of a reason why you’re worried, ask yourself why that matters, and go deeper into it.

    Let’s look at an example:

    • I feel extremely stressed because if feel so ill-prepared for this test I need to complete
    • If I fail the test I might lose my job
    • If I lose my job, I’m going to go through hardships and feel ashamed
    • I’ve always felt insufficient, and failing will bring up the image I have been trying to get away from

    If you’re feeling overwhelmed, don’t just aim to cope with the situation, dig into it to find out why you’re feeling this way, and how you can take steps to heal it. Usually, there’s a deeper reason why you feel so distressed, so try to find out what it is.

    ✅ Pray

    You might not be religious, or have any spiritual beliefs at all. Honestly, it doesn’t matter. Praying is actually such a powerful tool when you’re feeling overwhelmed or distressed, and you’re not sure what to do.

    Maybe you won’t hear a voice talking back to you (actually, I’m almost certain you won’t), but the act of praying releases energy. In a way, you’re handing over your burden to a higher power, which allows you to release it, at least somewhat.

    Prayer really takes the pressure off your shoulders, and you might get moments of clarity and insight while you’re doing it too. So if you’re ever in a tough position, pray to a higher power, and feel how freeing it really is.

    ✅ Have a conversation with yourself

    When I’m in a difficult situation, I find that it really helps to have a conversation… with myself.

    As if I was talking with a therapist or someone I trust, I open up to myself and rant. What’s more important is that I actually listen to myself, and respond… like verbally respond to myself.

    So talking to myself starts to take a two-way conversation. One side is the afraid, overwhelmed child who doesn’t know what to do, and then I respond to that side from a more mature, authoritative position. A conversation with myself might go something like this:

    • I have no idea what to do! I feel abandoned, nobody understands, I feel alone. I just can’t believe this keeps happening, why does nobody help!?
    • It’s okay, it’s okay. You have been in this situation many times before, you know how it’s going to play out
    • No, I don’t! This time it’s different. I don’t know if I will get through this, why is it always me!?
    • It’s you because you can handle it. It’s happening for a reason, and you’re going to grow as a person through this, you just need to trust the process. You are cared for, you are guided. We’re going to get through this together, just take one step at a time, and let’s get the ball rolling. What can you do right now?
    • I guess I could stop pacing around for a moment and calm myself down. It’s not that urgent.

    Naturally, one of the sides talking starts to reassure the other side. It comes out naturally in response to my rant and expressing myself. This is actually a really powerful coping mechanism, because as my higher self kicks into action, I feel very reassured, even though it’s from myself.

    ✅ Do the healing

    Now that you’ve identified what’s really going on, you need to take steps to heal those wounds and actually resolve these underlying causes. Healing requires you to sit with your feelings and be completely present with them. This is why it’s so important to be mindful, and allow yourself to experience whatever you’re experiencing.

    By doing this, you’re going to evolve as a person and be able to better handle these sorts of situations when they arise again. So if your situation is emotion based, do the work to heal the wound that is causing this pain.

    ✅ Take care of yourself

    When stress levels rise and you’re struggling to cope, self-care really tends to go out the window. And because you’re not looking after yourself, you tend to feel worse.

    Therefore, make sure you’re looking after your body and mind. Take some extra time to care for yourself, and see how this translates into your situation.

    Here are some things you should look out for:

    • How is your diet? Are you eating well, or has it gone out the window?
    • Are you biting your nails, pulling your hair, or partaking in some sort of self-destructive behavior?
    • Are you exercising and getting enough sun?
    • How is your hygiene? Are you still doing regular hygiene practices such as showering and brushing your teeth?
    • Are you allowing yourself space to rest and recharge?

    ✅ Get out in nature, often

    Regularly getting out in nature has been a game-changer for my mental health during difficult times in my life. There’s something special about being out in nature. Nature has a very grounding effect to it which melts the stress right off from your shoulders.

    A walk in the park is better than nothing, but I suggest getting out in a reserve, or the wilderness if you can. If it’s within your means, go somewhere where there’s no urban development and not too many people.

    Just be in the elements for a while, and you’ll feel the tangible effects of it.

    Go for a nice long walk in nature without listening to music or playing on your phone. You might not notice it immediately, but after returning home you will feel much fresher, like your cup is full again.

    I suggest you make a habit of getting out in nature at least a couple of times a week. Do it daily if you can and report the difference after a week or two.

  • What Is Core Shame And How Can You Heal It?

    What Is Core Shame And How Can You Heal It?

    It is said that an animal experiencing the neuro-equivalent of shame, is more likely to be put on the edge of the herd and thus be more vulnerable to being attacked by the wild animals, keeping the others safe. It is sacrificed for the sake of the healthier herd members.

    Similarly, with we humans, one of our greatest fears is being cast out of our ‘tribe’ – our families, societies and communities. Traditionally this meant isolation, humiliation and usually death. This has such a powerful, primal grip on us that we will do just about anything to keep that inclusion; we will trade much to maintain that sense of security of being part of our ‘tribe’.

    When an individual has a heavy dose of ‘core shame’ they harbour an even greater fear of being perceived as unworthy and, thus, vulnerable to being cast out. This primal fear contributes to why core shame has such an uncomfortable visceral feel to it, propelling us to do much to cover it over and distract ourselves from it.

    The origins of core shame

    Scared woman

    No baby is born with shame; it is instilled later, though likely we all bring in our different predilections to this dynamic.

    During our very impressionable formative years, the messages conveyed by our early caregivers are incorporated into the self. We do not know who we are until it is reflected back to us, and our developing self-assessment can be very challenging if that reflection is not positive. Family and ancestral influences will also have a significant bearing on one’s susceptibility to shame.

    When we are little and relatively egocentric, any significant trauma experienced related to the behavior of others is often interpreted as being our fault. Something is wrong with us.

    This natural inclination for the young infant or child to blame themselves, rather than their caregivers, is because awareness of the significant faults of the caregivers, upon whom they are so reliant for their survival, is perceived as life-threatening and is too potent a stress for the helpless young one to endure.

    So, the blame goes inwards, regardless of the circumstances, and this can develop into core shame. A survival ploy in the short term but very destructive to the individual in the long term.

    If one is deemed the black sheep, the one designated as odd, different, or flawed within their family or other significant groups, and the one upon whom the other members project out their own unaddressed and unowned aspects and issues, they might be more susceptible to experiencing ‘core shame’.

    In later life, if this remains unhealed, this dynamic can contribute to becoming the obsequious people pleaser or the renegade rebel.

    If the messages received are consistently harsh and not of love and kindness, that external voice becomes the internal voice and can insidiously develop into the critical, over-bearing superego. The ‘superego’ (a term coined by Austrian neurologist and founder of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud) incorporates the morals and values of family and society that are learned during the early, formative years of life. Aided by punishment or approval, the child internalizes these values.

    The superego defines who we are, or rather, who we should be and, particularly, how we might be falling short of that ideal.

    Core shame and the ‘superego’

    The superego is designed to safeguard our survival and belonging; however, it can easily become over-zealous in its role and become the harsh tyrant rather than the protector.

    In adult life, it can become that controlling, critical voice that prevents the expansion of the individual beyond the sometimes suffocating confines of societal norms. This can become very destructive to individuation and growth in adulthood. It is very difficult to expand and express our true selves when we are dominated by shame.

    Whereas guilt is regret for what one has done, core shame is a feeling of inherent wrongness of the very self. Core shame can be utterly overwhelming and life can become an ongoing hiding of, and apology for, the self. Essentially it is a rejection of the self or of aspects that are deemed unacceptable and this can cause a split in the psyche.

    When our being is permeated with shame, we often apologize for who we are, for our very existence. We cast ourselves lower than others, inviting more shame.

    Underlying this are core beliefs such as “I am not enough”, “I will not be accepted as I am” and so on. As one cannot get away from the self, often this sense of inherent wrongness is suppressed and various distractions and addictions might be employed to dim one’s awareness of it.

    How core shame leads to perfectionism

    This fear of rejection from society, usually unconscious, might have one try hard to mold themself into what they believe is an acceptable version that might maintain their belonging. If we have a deep sense of shame, we might endeavor to compensate in an attempt to display our ‘worth’ to society.

    This is where ‘perfectionism’ (distinct from just wanting to do things well) comes in, where we raise the bar to a humanly impossible level in an endeavor to compensate for that sense of being flawed within. The bar is often set to an unachievable level, thus inviting more of a sense of failure and inadequacy – and thus, more shame.

    Our achievement-oriented, look-at-me society, which values what we do and own and how we look, rather than our essential being, drives this dynamic.

    Often that sense of shame propels one to become the over-responsible adult as compensation for an inner sense of inadequacy. The over-responsible adult, as opposed to the mature, appropriately responsible adult, will have one feel very over-burdened by responsibilities that they feel they really cannot live up to.

    Associated with this is often the seeking of approval and acknowledgment from others, which further diminishes personal power.

    Self-punishment as a compensation for core shame

    Guilt and shame call for punishment and one might choose to punish oneself as a trade-off for being punished by others.

    This pattern, aided by a significant sense of unworthiness and low self-esteem, becomes a vicious cycle of unconsciously sabotaging one’s success and happiness. Associated with this is a profound lack of entitlement. This, of course, is all an unconscious process. No one is consciously trying to punish themselves (or very few!).

    Our self-judgements will have us push away the parts of ourselves that we are judging. Rejecting those parts will never bring about resolution but rather relegate them to the shadow, from where they continue their deleterious effects. Alternatively, we will project our un-owned parts onto others and life itself.

    Most of us visit these levels at times of course but experiencing them as temporary mental/emotional states is very different from them being an enduring ‘state of being’ – to which one has long ago become consciously, or more so unconsciously, identified with.

    When those self-defeating states remain entrenched, they build upon themselves and potentially attract all sorts of ‘energies’ that enhance them and strengthen their grip.

    The human psyche, particularly when in a vulnerable state, can be subject to unhealthy influences and one needs to have some awareness and vigilance regarding this process.

    Why core shame affects your health

    Sustained shame is not good for one’s health; in fact, it is illness-inducing. Research has indicated that shame, particularly, induces a rise in inflammatory markers (IL-6, TNF alpha), compared to general affective states, including guilt.

    We know that chronic inflammation is associated with just about any chronic disease state known to mankind, as well as with depression. Though most of us might dip into shame at times, it is detrimental, physically and psychologically, when embedded.

    The good news is that studies have also demonstrated that when emotional expression is associated with cognitive processing of the experience, it can lead to positive immunological effects, i.e., when we can examine, process, and integrate our shame, it will have fewer harmful effects.

    Studies have also shown that cultures that have more acceptance of these emotions, they will less likely have deleterious outcomes.

    Is there an antidote to core shame?

    Ego

    So, what is the antidote to shame? How do we integrate and heal it?

    It starts with facing and acknowledging the problem. We cannot deal with what we do not acknowledge.

    This involves recognizing the associated mental/emotional/behavioral patterns such as perfectionism, over-responsibility, avoidance, critical inner voice, chronic tension, lack of personal well-being, ill-health, and so on, and knowing that all of these traits are our being’s way of trying to cope with or compensate for that deep sense of shame.

    Self-compassion is the quality to employ in addressing one’s core shame.

    Compassion is solution-oriented and worlds away from pity, which is disempowering and looks down upon the subject of its gaze. Studies have also demonstrated that self-compassion will reduce inflammatory biomarkers such as IL-6, thus protective against stress-induced inflammation and inflammation-related disease.

    When (so-called) negative emotions are considered, in their temporary state, to be acceptable and a part of normal life (i.e., nothing to be ashamed of), they will have fewer adverse effects.

    Acceptance, rather than denial, suppression, or the covering over or projecting out of negative emotions, invites a healthier outcome. Acceptance does not preclude efforts to change them; in fact, the paradox is that acceptance is the point of change.

    Using intention to turn the ship around

    Of course, When negative emotions, such as shame, are entrenched as a way of being, it might take some considerable intention and determination to bring them out of the shadows to a place of integration and healing.

    We do need to be firm with the critical, judging, and rejecting parts of ourselves but in a compassionate way. We need to enfold the rejected parts into the whole, ideally with some awareness that this whole dynamic comes from a wounded place, often started in early childhood, and is maintained out of a redundant survival habit.

    With healthy assertion and enough determination and energy, we need to put a firm hand up to the self-critical, over-demanding shame-inspired inner voice. We need to say a firm ‘No!’ to the mental games. Here we need to be careful that the critical superego is not employed in this process as it will just be furthering what we are trying to be rid of.

    As we are essentially energetic beings, via electromagnetics we are all broadcasting our inner state, positive or negative; and others will pick up on this energy and respond accordingly. And when we can say a firm “No!” to the criticism and demands of our own superego, we can also better assert ourselves with others.

    When we learn to turn compassion, healthy acceptance and respect towards ourselves, we will also invite the same, without need, from others.

    Shame is a heavy, dense state, so bringing some lightness into the fray is helpful. Recognizing its subtle and not-so-subtle whispers and countering them with more self-affirming and uplifting messages can divert that energy before it takes hold. This must become a discipline and a healthy habit.

    Dissolving core shame with awareness

    Awareness and a mindfulness approach is the key. If the whole dynamic remains in the shadows, we continue to be controlled by its unconscious positioning.

    Its grip will loosen (tenacious though it is!) by laying it on the table to consciously observe it. We use the ‘observer self’ to observe, with compassion, the mental and emotional antics of the ego self and firmly and persistently put a stop to this aspect of our psyche’s critical control.

    If we have an unconscious ego identity with the program, we are less likely to relinquish it as that would be like annihilating the very self. We are less controlled by what we can objectively examine and not identify with.

    Acceptance of those aspects of ourselves that we do not celebrate is one of the biggest challenges. When we hone that mature, wiser observer-self, it can entrain those more immature, self-defeating aspects to itself. Like the kindly, though firm parent, it unconditionally accepts and guides those more aberrant aspects and knows to call out when enough is enough.

    Essentially, resolving the core shame is a journey of self-love and self-empowerment. This is very different to self-absorption, which is more likely to be the case when one is in the grips of core shame. Forgiving our humanness, while intending healthier, more life-affirming states, is clearly beneficial.

    Specific or in-depth therapies are beyond the scope of this article and it is advised that anyone who is struggling in this or similar areas gets appropriate professional help. Some people might need guidance in dealing specifically with related past, unresolved traumas.

  • How To Break The Burden Of Overattachment

    How To Break The Burden Of Overattachment

    People who have their eyes on the prize are generally more determined to get results. They know what they want, and what lengths they must go to achieve their dreams.

    But there is a limit.

    When attachment to something turns into an obsession, it becomes overattachment. Overattachment is toxic because it comes from a place of desperation and energetically pushes that thing away.

    By feeling like you need something to be happy, you’re stepping backward with your fulfillment. You don’t feel whole without something external to you, and that’s an issue.

    Therefore, tackling overattachment simmers down to the question: how can I build a healthier relationship with the things in my life?

    Here we’ll explore how to create a healthy relationship with things in your life to prevent it from becoming an obsession.

    What is overattachment?

    Lost time

    Overattachment refers to an unhealthy or excessive attachment to any person or thing.

    People tend to get overattached when they value a particular thing in their life higher than themselves.

    There is nothing wrong with desire. Simply wanting something and feeling driven by it can be beneficial. However, desire can become an obsession when it comes from a place of need rather than want.

    Overattachment is a problem because it makes you believe that your happiness is dependent on something external.

    Overattachment can lead to: 

    Overattachment is a step backward in the happiness paradigm. If you want to feel whole, you need to be your own center of gravity.

    Nonattachment is a tenet in philosophies such as Buddhism and Taoism, and it’s seen as a crucial pillar in living a happy and fulfilling life.

    Here is the difference between want and need:

    Want

    Desire can be beneficial because it motivates you to take action. Therefore, wanting something can be beneficial by helping you move towards your dreams and desires.

    Want is to have some attachment to an outcome.

    Want provides positive feelings like ambition, motivation, and inspiration.

    Need

    The feeling of need can be toxic because it comes from a place of desperation. When you feel like you need something in your life, you’re giving away your sense of power.

    Need is to be overattached to something.

    Need creates negative feelings such as desperation, stress, worry, jealousy, and contempt.

     

    Common forms of overattachment

    Overattachment occurs with anything you feel you can’t live without.

    Some common forms of overattachment include:

    • Feeling like you need to get into a specific university course or job
    • Feeling you need to make a certain amount of money to have a good life
    • Feeling like you need a certain person in your life to get by
    • The need to be successful
    • The need to be in a relationship
    • The need for a certain substance or drug to feel happy
    • Anything you feel you can’t live without

    Feeling like you need something creates resistance because as long as you don’t have it, there is a forcing current in your life.

    The value of the thing you feel you need becomes disproportionate. If you don’t have it, you suffer. If you do have it, it probably won’t make much difference because it’s coming from a place of need rather than a place of want.

    Read the article below to learn more about forcing currents in your life, and why it’s in your best interest to avoid them.

    How to practice nonattachment

    Nonattachment: Breaking free from possessions

    Nonattachment is a central theme in various religions and spiritual belief systems because all things are impermanent. Sooner or later, we will need to let go of everything. The more attached you are to any given thing, the harder it will be to eventually let go of it.

    Living life through a frame of nonattachment helps:

    • Reduce stress and worry
    • Become more at peace with the present situation
    • Let go of past people, things, and situations
    • Feel more free, like you don’t have a burden

    Below are some things you can do to practice nonattachment. Otherwise, to learn more about why impermanence plays a crucial role in nonattachment, visit the link below:

    Let go of the result

    Being too attached to a particular outcome can cause you a great deal of stress.

    The best way to let go of the result is by accepting what is outside your control.

    By doing everything within your power to bring about the desired outcome and realizing when the rest is out of your hands, it’s easier to accept the outcome for what it is and move forward from there. 

    Lower your expectations

    You probably set expectations on yourself that cause a lot of pressure. Although some expectations are necessary to guide you toward your best life, imposing unreasonably high expectations on yourself can cause issues.

    Don’t be too harsh on yourself if you don’t meet your self-imposed expectations. It doesn’t matter what you accomplish or how well you do. Focus on enjoying the process rather than the end result.

    Put it into proportion

    It’s important to look more honestly at your life situation. As overattachment occurs when you value one thing much higher than everything else, recognize when you’re disproportionately valuing something, and it’s taking your power instead.

    Start looking at the true value of everything in your life. What really matters to you?

    By looking at life this way, you will find that the things you’re obsessing over have likely been put on pedestals.

    Look at the underlying cause

    Sometimes it just takes a good look at your priorities to shuffle them.

    Think about what will make you genuinely fulfilled. How will your life change if you achieve your goals? What thirst will buying that car, house, or item quench? We tend to think that achieving a particular outcome will solve a deeper underlying issue in our lives.

    For example, many people are desperate for a loving partner because they are lonely. Even if they get the partner they dream of, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they won’t be lonely anymore. In this case, these people should be working on their issues with loneliness first and foremost, which may then attract a loving relationship into their lives.

    Looking for an external solution to your pain is to beat around the bush. Look at the underlying cause, and do the inner work.

    Accept the worst-case scenario

    You release a lot of pressure on yourself when you accept the worst-case scenario. Nobody performs at their best when under heavy pressure, and that stress certainly won’t help you achieve the best outcome.

    To accept the worst-case scenario, you need to ponder it. Don’t just think about it, plan for it.

    Sound bad, I know…

    But accepting the worst-case helps take off the load because you’re no longer dependent on the best outcome. When you accept the worst-case scenario, you can work towards the best-case scenario with a fresh mind, not from a place of desperation.

    Create backup plans

    To lessen your attachment to a particular outcome, make backup plans.

    Keep alternatives in mind if you don’t get the result you want. By applying yourself from many different angles, you might not get first place, but you will get a place.

    For example, I would love to be a full-time writer and develop this website into a full-time business. Perhaps it will turn into something great one day, who knows, but I’m not putting all of my eggs in that basket.

    I’m also an English teacher and I have a background in Landscape Architecture. I have experience bartending, where I can work anywhere in the world and have fun. I coach people. I am not over-attached to a particular outcome because there are other paths I can take if it doesn’t work out.

    Appreciate what you have

    Being appreciative of what you have is a good way to develop nonattachment.

    You will stop putting so much emphasis on what you need by appreciating what you have. Sometimes you need to step back and realize how good you have it.

    Therefore, enjoy sipping on that latte or watching an episode of your favorite series. Enjoy all the moments you share with people. Bring yourself back to the present and learn to appreciate every fleeting moment. The more you appreciate what you have, the less fixated you are on what could be.

    Let go of what you don’t need

    Start removing things from your life that no longer serve you.

    Cutting back and decluttering helps to prevent overattachment because you are putting more emphasis on intrinsic values.

    The more you cut back, the more you cultivate a healthier mentality. Therefore, declutter, clean up, and minimize what you have in your life.

    To learn about a better path toward satisfaction in life without clawing your way toward shiny new things, read this article:

  • My Witchcraft Ceremony Experience In Siquijor, Philippines

    My Witchcraft Ceremony Experience In Siquijor, Philippines

    If you watched a lot of fairytales when you were a kid, you probably hated the witches.

    Witches are usually portrayed as antagonists. They are often perceived as ugly, hateful, evil beings. They destroy the lives of those gorgeous princesses that you adore, which is why you developed a disgust towards them.

    Let’s admit it. We, women, wanted to be princesses. Nobody ever wants to be the witch. But have you ever wondered about the reality of witches – Aside from fantasies and fairytales?

    Here I’m going to share one of my extraordinary experiences participating in a witchcraft ceremony in Siquijor, Philippines, and illuminate the truth behind witchcraft.

    Pre-ceremony

    Siquijor, Philippines

    Never in my life have I thought about a witch encounter, but the universe has a funny way of leading us to the unanticipated.

    I was going through one of my toughest life battles when the universe communicated with me through a dream.

    One evening, I woke up from a dream where I was in a beautiful city with pristine beaches and green mountains – Dancing with witches. The image of the witches in my dream was very typical. They were dancing while wearing their black dresses and their iconic hats, with brooms in their hands.

    The dream was so vivid that I am still able to recall every detail of it, even the song I heard while dancing.

    The dream was so enticing that it haunted me but in a good way. So I went straight to my phone and searched for this city, based on what I saw and experienced in the dream.

    The very first result that came up was Siquijor.

    Siquijor is popularly known as the enchanted island of the Philippines. Others also call it ‘Mystic Island’, or the ‘Island of Witches and Healers’.

    You can find the very famous love potion, also elixirs, healing stones, lucky charms, and spell cards. People who are in difficult life situations, and those with illnesses often come to the island to experience this mysterious, yet effective way of healing.

    Witches are indigenous healers from Siquijor, Philippines. However, with the negative image of witchcraft in modern society, people who practice witchcraft in the Philippines often suffer judgment and ostracization.

    Siquijor is now modernized, but the people have maintained these traditional ways of healing, and that’s what makes the island a mysterious one. Over time, witchcraft in Siquijor became an attraction to curious travelers interested in spirituality and healing.

    Learning something very interesting about Siquijor that evening tickled my curiosity. I found myself packing my bags and going to the bus station. I arrived after 8 hours of travel by land and sea.

    When I first set foot on the island, I instantly felt the enchantment. Imagine being welcomed by this mesmerizing white powdery sand and crystal blue water. There are palm trees everywhere you look. It’s like paradise with some sort of energy whispering ‘You are home’.

    Meeting my true self in Siquijor

    I stayed in a hostel that was next to the beach and met locals, tourists, and most especially, the wild side of me. I have traveled solo a few times before, but this trip seemed different.

    The city of Siquijor is rich in attractions such as beaches, caves, sanctuaries, and waterfalls. Meeting new people, exploring the island, and having fun helped me escape the pain I was experiencing, after leaving a difficult abusive marriage.

    On the fourth morning, some newfound friends told me about an area on the island where some indigenous healers are located. They gave me some information about the witchcraft ceremony being performed for individuals like me.

    I was hungry for answers at that time of my life. I didn’t care if the outcome would be positive or negative. It’s safe to say that I was ready for everything, even death at that point.

    The next day, I was told that the ceremony would start at 6:30 pm and left the hostel an hour prior. Without any special preparation, I proceeded to the address given by the person I was in contact with. It took me less than an hour to get there.

    Meeting the witches

    When I arrived, I was welcomed by a massive century-old tree and a natural spring that flows underneath it. How the water flows there is a mystery, even to the locals.

    Two other people were waiting silently while looking tense, so I sat down without uttering a word.

    A few minutes later, two other people came, and they looked happy to see us there first. Before we could start talking, another person approached us and told us to follow her. There was a mini campsite-like spot where the five of us were gathered for a briefing with two witches and a healer.

    The witches looked like normal people, contrary to how society portrays them. No huge noses. No long nails. They were wearing bright-colored, long-sleeved shirts, and ordinary pairs of pants. They all looked pleasant, and their smiles were warm.

    We introduced ourselves, then the healer asked us why we came. After a moment, surprisingly we just stared at each other and muttered “I don’t know” at the same time.

    We all laughed, but the witches were surprised. All the people they accommodated before us had specific reasons. We were there waiting for a surprise from the universe, hoping for something good to happen.

    The witchcraft ceremony

    Incense bowl burning herbs

    First, we started by asking permission from the century-old tree. The tree is known for being an ancient dwelling of mystical creatures and spirits that guide the witches.

    After surrounding the tree, the two witches, along with two other ladies started humming angelically while the healer was chanting and praying in some sort of relatively Spanish dialect.

    Then, he signaled the witches and told us that we could proceed.

    We went back to the area where we had the briefing. There were colorful traditional mats on the floor, one for each participant, circling a bigger one with a small ceramic pot on it. There were no voodoo dolls, needles, brooms, or cauldrons, so I felt at ease knowing I wouldn’t be someone’s dinner that evening.

    We all sat on the mats and had a little pep talk. We were told that anything can surface. Fears, traumas, and insecurities that we have been holding onto. This dropped my heart to the ground and my hands were instantly frozen.

    If being drunk and stoned for three consecutive nights is considered preparation, I could just simply jump into the fire and swim in it.

    The ceremony started before I could spit out the words of withdrawal that were already on the tip of my tongue. The witches started humming and singing again, and suddenly, my anxiety vanished. Their voices transported me to euphoria at light speed.

    The ‘mother witch’ lit a coconut husk, and put it into the ceramic pot. She dropped some crystals into the fire as she was muttering something in Spanish, followed by some herbs, twigs, and some liquid. As the fire subsided, it released an aromatic smoke.

    The smell was exquisite. It was like a mixture of every fragrance or scent that exists on this planet, and I couldn’t help but close my eyes and feel pleasure as it traveled through my nose.

    My experience of childhood nostalgia

    The healer kept praying as we went through the unknown ascension. As the smell lingered, I started feeling extremely light. I saw my hands moving but I couldn’t feel them. It was like I was an entity that got separated from my physical body.

    I influenced my body to dance, and it did gracefully. I saw my body move to the sounds of nature. She was so beautiful, and I had never felt so in love with my body like that before.

    In this stage, I was also brought back to my childhood.

    I had an awesome childhood, and I am forever grateful for it. I saw the toys I used to play with being brought back to life in front of me.

    The wooden blocks, the Legos, the mini piano that my mom gave me on my eighth birthday, and all the McDonald’s Happy Meal toys that we got as prizes every Sunday.

    Everything. They all appeared in front of me.

    There was also a compilation of all the good memories from my childhood. One of them was my sixth birthday when my childhood sweetheart gave me 2 tulip-printed mini-hankies. One was yellow, the other one was pink.

    I couldn’t stop blushing.

    I saw the tulips dancing and changing colors. My mom was also there giving me hugs and kisses, and I saw my dad giving me some cash. The colors were so bright, and it was like I was in an amusement park.

    Suddenly, the images turned into slow-motioned animations, and I was sucked back into reality.

    Purging negative energies

    As I was starting to get my senses back, there was this tingling sound that slowly transitioned into a scream.

    The scream came from one of the participants. It was like a scream of being possessed. Her cry was so intense, it gave me goosebumps.

    Suddenly, I felt the negative energies crawling through my veins. The witch told us that the participant was purging, and she needed our positive energy by supporting her with love. The four of us didn’t know what to do. We didn’t see this coming.

    I was confused and scared. Plus, I was frustrated because my awesome experience was interrupted.

    The healer then asked us to close our eyes. Closing my eyes was a challenge because of the century-old tree in my peripheral view. There was something else that I saw in my peripheral vision, but when I glanced at it, there was absolutely nothing but the tree.

    It was disturbing so I decided to observe the person purging. The lady was curled on the mat trying to find comfort as she was crying.

    As I was watching her, I felt her pain seeping into me.

    I felt compassion and I wanted to hug her. Coincidentally, the healer approached me and asked me to comfort her. I did, but after a couple of minutes, the witch asked me to go back to my space.

    This stage taught me about negative energies, and that love is the best remedy. If we learn to give more love, these negative energies can’t harm us.

    Confronting my inner child

    I settled back onto my mat and saw the other three people meditating. The witch told us that she was going to repeat the process and to be ready.

    I watched the witch drop and pour different stuff into the fire, and as it released the smoke, I couldn’t smell the aromatic scent that I was expecting. Where did it go? I moved my hands, and I could feel them. I could feel my whole body, not like the first stage where I had it nice and easy.

    Was it just my imagination? I wanted to go back to the first stage, but it was impossible.

    So I started crying because I couldn’t get what I wanted.

    I felt like something was wrong and I needed to figure it out, or else I wouldn’t have that great feeling again. I kept crying until I realized that it was my inner child that surfaced.

    My inner child was spoilt, stubborn, and bratty. At that point, I knew I needed to confront her. I spoke to her and made her understand that some things we want, or desire, aren’t meant for us, and we should learn to let go.

    She was still a little bit stubborn. She was blaming her parents for spoiling her, so I let her cry out her frustrations. Then, I asked her the question “Would you be a happy child if you have different parents?”

    In a split second, she started crying louder as she was brought back to the times when she felt so loved. She realized she had the best parents in the world, and she had to stop blaming them.

    My inner child also asked for forgiveness, and we made a pact to never let that side of us control us again. I forgave her and as I released her, it also gave me a pleasant feeling.

    Confronting my trauma

    The pleasant feeling didn’t last for long as I heard a couple fighting from somewhere close.

    I heard thudding sounds like someone was being beaten. I was trying to tell everyone about it, and that I didn’t like what I was hearing, but nobody could hear me. They all seemed oblivious.

    I wanted to withdraw myself, but everything just turned pitch black. Suddenly I was blinded and the more I was covering my ears, the more sensitive they became. I could hear every movement of the trees and plants near me. My heart was pumping like a drum, and I could hear every beat together with every breath I was taking.

    The sounds were becoming more spine-chilling as I resisted. There was no way I could control it, so I just surrendered. As I was surrendering, I heard the sounds distorting. Finally, there was silence.

    I sighed out of relief, but it was just the beginning of the most terrifying, but worth-it part of the ceremony.

    I started hearing the couple fighting the second time. But this time, there was clarity in the sounds the woman was making. “Please, don’t hurt me”, “I’m begging you”, “Have mercy”, “Please, stop”.

    Every plead was sharp, stabbing me like a knife.

    The woman in this vision was crying heavily, she needed help. I wanted to help her, and her voice became more familiar. I came to full realization and it struck me even harder.

    It was my voice that I was hearing the whole time. Those words were the words I uttered when I was physically and sexually abused. I could also hear the slaps and thuds when I was beaten.

    The experience became even worse when I heard my son’s voice echoing. He was looking for me, calling for me, but he couldn’t find me. The sounds kept repeating and I couldn’t stand listening to the soundtrack of my misfortunes anymore.

    Surrendering to the experience

    As I fully surrendered to the experience, tears flowed like a river.

    My broken heart just kept breaking. I felt sorry for the woman in my vision, for going through abuse, but at the same time, I resented myself for being so weak – For being so naïve, and for tolerating the abuse for years.

    The resentment was helping me with the confrontation, and for the last time, I heard myself cry again. A cry of someone hungry for love and affection. The resentment suddenly turned into forgiveness. All the while, I have accepted myself, but always denied myself of forgiveness.

    I realized that the life I desire will never be granted if I don’t free myself from blame and guilt.

    I shed many tears at this stage. I was an inch closer to being misophonic, but I did what I needed to do, forgive, and absolve myself.

    It wasn’t as easy as telling it to yourself verbally. It doesn’t work like that.

    The numerous intense mental and emotional validation, denial, and resistance had to occur before the clearing. It’s usually easy for us to say don’t resist but trust me, once you are in the spotlight, resistance prevails.

    That means, there’s a huge tendency to get stuck in despair, so do yourself a favor by surrendering, to allow a change for growth to occur.

    Closing the ceremony

    pexels artsy solomon 986857

    After going through the roughest part of the ceremony, I found myself lying on the mat.

    I was still crying, but everything changed when the fragrance started to linger again. It cleared my blocked nose and gave me the urge to meditate.

    I positioned myself comfortably.

    As I was approaching the meditative state, I heard my son’s voice saying that I needed to rest. That was the most comforting message I have heard in my whole life. An affirmation of love from someone I had to abandon for a while to reconstruct myself.

    My son’s soft and innocent voice brought the peace and tranquility back. I was able to get to the state where my mind was one with my body and soul.

    I took the opportunity to claim my reward. My reward was freedom from all the chains that I had strangled myself with for years. I had enough of it.

    There was still a long way to go, but for the time being, I enjoyed the bliss of being free. Finally, I savored the little moment of unwinding, before heading back to reality.

    The ending of the ceremony

    I opened my eyes and was glad to see everyone still in human form. I did a reality check, still human. Not a frog, not a bug. I was the last one to finish, so I joined everyone as they enjoyed the simple snack the healer prepared for us in front of the bonfire.

    All of the participants in the ceremony were all comfortable with one another now. We started sharing our life stories, and shocking revelations transpired.

    The most shocking one was from the person I comforted while she was purging. She was molested by her father for fifteen years, and for the first time in her life, she was able to release some of her pain and suffering.

    I wanted to cry when I heard her story, but I didn’t want to ruin the moment. So I thought that finally, she was free from her chains too, and I should be happy for her.

    Before we departed the ceremony, the witches and the healer prayed for us, one last time. After that, they told us not to divulge their information to many people.

    The healer asked us nicely if we could delete their contact numbers on our mobile phones, which we did.

    I was waiting for everyone as they prepared for departure. One of the witches sat next to me, and we talked for a while. I remember she told me that in three years, I would find myself standing in front of the person who will love me forever.

    I just smiled, but she hugged me and whispered “You have a big future. Just trust yourself”.

    That was such an extraordinary and memorable experience.

    Integrating the experience

    When I checked the time, it was past eight in the evening. The ritual felt like it went on for so much longer. That’s another mystery that doesn’t require answers.

    All of the participants in the ceremony arrived at the ritual site carrying heavy baggage, but we all departed carrying nothing but the lightness the universe rewarded us with.

    We all decided to spend the night at a resort which was about twenty-five minutes away on foot. There was a bonfire, and as we all conversed deeply with each other, our friendship deepened.

    We all just met, but we unveiled our secrets without hesitation. As we were lying on the sand watching the stars, one of us opened their phone and decided to play some songs. You know what’s mind-blowing?

    The first song that played was the same song that I remember from my dream. This is a stark reminder that dreams do come true, and destiny is real.

    Fast forward three years, I found that person the witch told me who would love me forever. One morning, I woke up, I went to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror, and there she was.

    I saw my beautiful reflection. I felt love – The love that I have been looking for my whole life. The self-love that I have been depriving myself of for such a long time.

    While looking at the woman in the mirror, her eyes spoke to me. Her eyes were telling me that she would love me forever, despite whatever circumstances she found herself in.

  • Here’s How I Learned To Manage Panic Attacks

    Here’s How I Learned To Manage Panic Attacks

    When you are emotionally in a bad place, people tend to tell you ‘Everything’s going to be okay’. Mental health is often disregarded because most people don’t understand what it’s like to suffer at the hands of this demon.

    People with panic disorders are not crazy, and these matters should be considered seriously. In this article, I will tell you about my own experiences with panic attacks, and how I learned to deal with them. 

    How I developed a panic attack disorder

    Man in a state of panic

    My anxiety attacks began with issues that were out of my control. As I’m writing this, next to me is my passport with an expired visa. My visa expired months ago, meaning I have been living illegally in Vietnam.

    I’m stuck.

    Two repatriation flights have been canceled, and I still have no way of returning to my home country due to the ever-evolving situation of the pandemic. So I’m waiting indefinitely to hear back from my embassy, hoping for some good news.

    In December 2021, I quit my job in Hanoi and moved to the coast with my partner. We both had our business visas extended through an agent in February since we didn’t have sponsors, and quickly plugged into work again.

    This is a fairly normal situation here in Vietnam. Over fifty percent of the expats have business visas, and we never had problems until recently. The rules changed without warning, and now many people are caught in a difficult situation, without any way of leaving the country, and no way to stay in the country.

    One day, my partner and I were waiting for our bus back home, and the driver refused to let us on without giving us a reason why. By that time, I already felt that something strange was going on.

    A few hours later, I got a message telling me that classes would be suspended until further notice due to another spike in cases. As an English teacher, everything was put on ice.

    The next day, we were able to catch a bus back home. Stores were closed, the beach was closed, and the streets were empty.

    This continued for days, and I started feeling sad. This uncomfortable situation was exacerbated by my salary being suspended due to the pandemic, including the previous month I had worked. I started to worry as I was running out of money, and my salary for the month never arrived.

    I managed to stay calm until I heard back from my legal agent regarding my visa. He told me that the immigration stopped issuing visas to foreigners, but didn’t give an explanation why.

    Never in my life, had I thought I’d be an illegal alien. I imagined myself being deported, being interrogated by police officers, being put in a cell for violating the law. This is when the panic attacks began.

    What happens to your body during a panic attack?

    It's okay to fail

    Panic attacks happen without warning. They feel like concentrated fear is being injected directly into the brain. It’s the tricks of the mind that can jumpstart someone’s body.

    One minute I’m happy singing and dancing to my favorite tunes, the next thing I know, my heart is pounding like a drum, and my mind races.

    During one instance I had a dry mouth due to a breathing exercise I was doing. I panicked because my mind was telling me that having a dry mouth would kill me. It’s irrational, I know, but the mind doesn’t discern.

    There is usually a consistent sequence of events during a panic attack:

    What happens as a panic attack is beginning?

    As a panic attack begins, the first symptoms I experience consist of a tingling sensation tingles running from my toes to my scalp. This sensation is accompanied by hot flashes. Simultaneously, the activity of my stomach halts, causing discomfort. As panic attacks set in, I often feel nautious.

    What happens during a panic attack?

    During a panic attack, my heart rate increases, sending more blood to my body causing my muscles to go stiff. I imagine that is what the initial stages of a stroke may feel like. During this sensation, my mind begins to race, and the incessant thinking gets out of control.

    Thoughts and feelings become overwhelming. My vision tends to lose focus and blur, giving objects the appearance of moving. At this point, I feel like I might faint. My panic attacks are generally quick, lasting for 3-5 minutes on average.

    What happens after a panic attack?

    After a panic attack, my body is exhausted. My muscles ache, especially in my back, shoulders, and neck. I usually feel mildly dizzy, and my vision remains blurry for about ten to fifteen minutes. The aftermath lasts longer than the panic attack, so I always take it real easy following a panic attack.

    How to manage a panic attack

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    Here are some techniques that have helped me regain composure during a panic attack:

    1. Deep breathing. Deep breathing works like magic for me. Whenever I feel my heart throbbing, I start regulating my breaths by inhaling for five seconds, pausing for five seconds, and exhaling for five seconds. By breathing consciously, you will feel your heart slowly return to its normal pace.

    2. Relax your muscles. It is important to learn how to relax your muscles when you’re experiencing a panic attack. The more stiff your muscles become, the harder your panic attacks will be to manage. Lie down and allow yourself to feel heavy. Consciously breathe into your muscles to loosen them up.

    3. Listen to music. Music can help relax me when undergoing a planet attack, although certain types of music can exacerbate the issue. When I feel a panic attack coming on, I listen to soothing music without lyrics while focusing on my breathing.

    4. Open up. Some who are suffering from panic disorder are subconsciously drawn to what we call the safe zone. It’s important to feel safe. In my experiences, confessing to someone I trust has helped me. By confessing, I was given what I needed such as affection and love without judgment.

    5. Cry. At first, I wasn’t very expressive of my emotions until I was in a position where all I could do was cry. That made me realize that crying is good because it’s a release. When we are crying, we are letting our emotions out, and at the same time deep breathing which is beneficial when you’re experiencing a panic attack. Don’t hold back the tears, let them rip.

    6. Do moderate exercises. Sometimes, my fear triggers the fight-or-flight response. When this happens, my mind tells me to move, to flee, so what I do is some exercise to harness that urge. I used to live in an apartment with a pool, and I remember jumping in and swimming until my breathing was regulated. I’m thankful for that pool. Also, jogging and walking outside helped me along this journey.

    Daily practices to help manage anxiety and panic attacks

    Meditating in nature to regulate emotions
    1. Yoga. Yoga is one of the best practices that helps manage stress and anxiety. With yoga, you are inviting mental and physical relaxation. Whenever I do yoga, I feel focused on the present, and my mind is centered. There are lots of Yoga tutorials available on YouTube, but I highly recommend the ones that last for 30 minutes or more.

    2. Meditation. When you’re experiencing a panic attack, meditation can help you connect to the rawness of emotions, and find composure within them. I normally meditate after yoga, and child’s pose meditation tends to help me mitigate the effects of a panic attack.

    3. Connect with nature. I always say that nature is the best medicine. Nature makes me feel relaxed, and it’s a great remedy when you feel a panic attack beginning. If you do not have access to the beach or mountains, you can buy some plants. I used to live close to the beach and mountains, but I had lots of plants in my apartment. Watering them and just looking at them relieved my stress tremendously.

    4. Reading and writing. These two activities help me track the progress of my mental health. I have a journal where I write down my emotions and the triggers, the intensity of the attacks, and activities that helped me. I also recorded the duration of my sleep daily. It was my way of improving my anxiety awareness. It is important to have a journal so you can read back what worked for you, and what you can continue doing. 

    5. Avoid substances. Our bad habits only work as a temporary fix. It’s an enjoy-now-suffer-later type of system. For others, alcohol makes them relax, but in my own experience, it triggers panic attacks. After a particularly bad panic attack, I decided to stay away from alcohol and tobacco as I didn’t want to experience an episode like that ever again.

    6. Practice gratitude. Panic attacks cause us to overthink about the future, so being present is a good way to stop our minds from doing it. We have no control over the future, but we can navigate our present.

    How to help others through panic attacks

    Woman holding space for her friend

    Managing a panic attack is one part of the journey, but other people are a major aid here too.

    If someone you know is going through a panic attack, you can help them find composure by following these steps:

    1. Don’t judge. If someone tells you they are suffering from either of these mental disturbances, that means THEY TRUST YOU. Despite feeling ashamed about their condition, they picked up as much courage as they could muster just to let you know about their battles against their demons. They expect you to not judge, so be decent enough to not judge them.

    2. Do not panic. If you happen to be with someone who is having a panic attack, it is very important to stay calm and not panic, as well. One of the common reasons why someone who is having a panic attack is not vocal about it is because he/she is scared that the other person might also panic. Just relax and don’t add another layer of fear to it, as things could go wrong, and exacerbate the situation. Be their rock, and help ground them.

    3. Be the safe zone. If your loved one is telling you that they are panicking, the best thing you can do is to make them feel safe. Hugging and cuddling is my personal favorite. In my own experience, being hugged and cuddled gives me the feeling of home. The feeling of safety. The power of interpersonal touch does not only benefit the person who is trying to escape the darkness of fear, but it also helps lower the stress of the hugger/cuddler. It’s like hitting two birds with one stone.

    4. Be careful with your choice of words. Words play a very vital role in this situation. Typically, if someone is panicking, our automatic responses are ‘Everything’s going to be okay’, ‘Just relax’, and ‘Calm down’. Trust me, these phrases don’t help. The brain of the person suffering from a panic attack is too clouded as he/she was already programmed to feel the opposite. They need words of assurance like ‘I am here for you’, or ‘I am with you’, which also affirms safety and security. If you don’t know what to say, just try to execute rules number one, two, and three.

    5. Do not assume. Ask questions. To tell you honestly, sometimes, it’s hard for someone who suffers from anxiety and panic disorder to open up about their triggers and requests. They would never want to talk about it because they fear being judged. What you can do is ask the person if he/she wants to talk about it calmly. Ask if they need anything. Initiate the conversation and encourage the person without giving him/her the feeling of being forced. Just talk normally with a calm tone of voice. As simple as that.

  • Here’s How I Learned To Heal From Domestic Abuse

    Most of us are not good at talking or writing about ourselves and our experiences. All I know is that we were designed to survive this world full of obstacles, chaos, shitstorms, whatever you want to call them. Our purpose in life is to experience something very extraordinary, may it be good or bad, and help people understand.

    But how can a broken person share something inspiring?

    Majority of the people nowadays, only want positivity. No one wants to hear about someone’s unfortunate events in life. Often, broken people are taken for granted and considered bad examples of this doomed society.

    Little do they know that those they call broken were pumped with an enormous amount of courage and wisdom. They made their way out on their own when they were picked by the universe to be in situations an ordinary individual cannot deal with.

    Their teachers were themselves.

    Why am I writing this, anyway? I am an abuse survivor, and I’m writing this intending to give hope to those who are going through similar situations. I want to advise those who are going through something that they think they won’t survive.

    My story of domestic abuse and violence

    Woman cowering from domestic abuse

    When I turned 16, I met the person I did not expect to create such a huge impact in my life. The person who was appointed by the universe to break me and change me.

    Things were going so well until my partner introduced me to control and manipulation. I was so naïve, gullible, and vulnerable that I thought it was a good thing and just his way of showing how he cared about me.

    He stopped me from doing what I love. I used to be an event singer and a radio jock, and I remember how he wouldn’t want me to be exposed to the crowd. I had to cancel gigs here and there due to his jealousy. My reputation was so ruined that I had to stop.

    He broke my artwork and ruined everything that I became attached to. When someone gave me a gift, he made sure to throw it in the trash. Every avocation, talent, and hobby that I enjoyed, he made sure to spoil.

    He started putting his hands on me. Being touched is meant to be a good thing. I was craving for caresses and gentleness, but all I had was monstrous hands landing on my body.

    The touch of rage, I could say.

    So he beat me, again and again. So much sometimes that I would be sent to the hospital. He would come with me to make sure I never said a peep. Life continued like this for years, and things only became more serious.

    Realization is the first step in healing from abuse

    My manipulation and abuse were the result of my actions, and no one was to blame for it besides myself. That’s because I chose to tolerate abuse over having self-respect. Toleration can be a dangerous thing.

    Finally, I realized that this wasn’t the life I had been dreaming of.

    I wanted to step out of that abusive relationship, but our playful universe was in the mood to step in and challenge me more.

    I became pregnant at the age of 22, and I was devastated. All I could do was cry about it, and it felt like I was carrying the world on my shoulders.

    My dreams shattered into tiny pieces. The more I thought about my pregnancy, the more I was turning my dreams into sand. At one point, I came to a moment of realization and told myself that I could build another set of dreams by building a sand castle with that sand.

    From that moment, I learned to turn my chaos into a blessing.

    Battling my demons

    My family is Christian, so they decided to marry us for the sake of reputation. They meant well and had no idea what I was going through.

    Abortion is considered a sin in my country, the Philippines, so I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare.  I tried my very best to deal with the situation and had high hopes that the tables could turn. I faked things for so long. I continued the pregnancy with the thought of the life inside me being so innocent and precious.

    As I was dealing with the pregnancy, nothing changed. Things were still the same. Abuse was always just around the corner waiting for me.

    I had curfews. I was deprived of family support. I wanted to ask for help, but the fear prevailed. I feared being beaten and I didn’t want to harm the little human inside me.

    I was so alone in that battle. It wasn’t just an ordinary battle. It was a battle against someone who was meant to be my ally. But the battle against my demons was unbearable.

    I started developing self-hatred. I hated myself more than I hated someone abusing me. It was tough but I wanted to keep fighting. Thankfully, I was able to keep my grip on that slither of hope I had in my heart.

    I gave birth to a healthy baby boy and finally, I found love again, but what was lying ahead haunted me.

    Growing up, my son witnessed the abuse. My son saw me crying so many times, and he would also cry every time I was in pain. I didn’t want him to have a broken family, but I felt like I was causing his trauma.

    My son would run to his room and cover himself with his blanket while covering his ears just to escape from something that he didn’t understand. Seeing my son cry made me ask myself, “What have I done?” He didn’t deserve this. It still haunts me up to this day.

    How domestic abuse evolved into sexual abuse

    I used to work as a supervisor for a telecommunications company. Have you ever gone to work wearing a jumper on a 39-degree day just to cover your bruises? Have you ever hyped a whole bunch of people with a high level of enthusiasm while your heart is breaking into pieces?

    Did you ever have to coach a team and motivate them to maintain the good vibes while you’re living in pure hell? Everybody looks up to you, but in the back of your mind, you are praying for help. If you’ve experienced all of it and survived it, I salute you.

    The abuse continued to get worse. Back in the house, I was often sexually abused. I was forced to do things that I didn’t want to do. I was fucked so many times while crying, then got beaten after for being ‘overdramatic’.

    I was praying to all the gods, but I felt like I was never heard. One day, I just surrendered everything and accepted my fate. My fate is an abused woman who would only be free when one of us dies.

    When I started rebelling

    For the first time, I decided to stand up for myself. I told myself “No, I don’t deserve this. I deserve a better life. I need to do something about my situation!”

    I learned to seek appreciation and attention from strangers online. It was comforting. I would tell them about my achievements and how my day was, and they responded to me the way I wanted them to.

    It made me feel good about myself. One day, my husband checked my phone and found messages from strangers I was talking to. He was enraged, but in my mind, I was laughing like a villain.

    That was the time I realized that I had developed a lot of personalities. Those personalities were helping me because they also wanted me to get out of the situation.

    My husband beat me so hard. Punches and slaps landed on my body, but I couldn’t feel them. I wanted to thank him for turning me into a rock-hard woman. I know, he wanted to make me cry, but I couldn’t. Instead, I was smiling, and it pissed him off even more.

    In a rage, he tore my clothes off until I was naked. My son was at my parent’s house at that time, and I’m glad he didn’t witness this.

    My husband tried dragging me outside of the house with his cruel intention of humiliating me. He wanted to lock me out so neighbors could see me naked. As he was dragging me, I fought back with all my force. Since my arm was so sweaty and slippery, he lost his grip, and I was able to run back to the bedroom.

    I hid under the bed. He grabbed a pole and started hitting me with it. He grabbed my leg, dragged me out, and beat me until he got tired.

    That was the roughest night of my life, but that was the last night of torture. My last night with the monster whom I tolerated for twelve years.

    The next morning, I decided to escape.

    Escaping the situation

    I made the decision to slip away, which I knew would have a huge impact on my son. I left without telling him why and only assumed that he would understand.

    The last thing I wanted to do was leave him with this man, but even though he was a monster to me, he was a different person to my son. I felt selfish, but I knew I had to get out of this situation and reassess. I knew my son was loved by everyone including his father. I didn’t want him to keep seeing violence.

    From that moment I knew that I would come back for him. I was hungry for a better life.

    First, I had to stay at my work’s sleeping quarters just to have a bed.

    Things were going okay until my ex-husband started to come to my workplace in the middle of the night, and made me look like the bad guy. He told everyone I cheated on him and that I was just running away from what I did.

    My bruises were still fresh, so I went to the police to report the physical abuse. He didn’t know that I would sometimes go to the police station to record the abuse, so I had evidence of his deeds.

    I could have locked him up in jail, but I didn’t want my son to grow up being bullied for having a convicted father.

    I also stayed at friends’ houses. A few friends helped me, and some betrayed me. Some people I considered friends relayed information to my ex-husband, so I ended up quitting my job out of fear that he would find me. I went away for two months without any contact.

    I decided to confront everything on my own. I didn’t want to hear any contradictions. I had enough of being controlled and I wanted to be in control of my life now. I wanted peace.

    Processing my trauma

    As I was starting to regain some control over my life, my emotions were also controlling me. I couldn’t stop thinking about my son. I would cry every night because of guilt. I told myself if something bad would happen to my son, I could never forgive myself.

    I kept having nightmares, and the anxiety was ridiculous. I was haunted by intrusive memories and became extremely paranoid. I would fall asleep feeling guilty and woke up blaming myself.

    During this time, I would self-harm and after a few minutes, feel guilty about it.

    I was free but why could I not find a way out? I tried everything but nothing seemed to work.

    At 9 p.m., I woke up from a dream that I was in a different city. A small city with beautiful, pristine, and unexploited beaches, inviting mountains surrounding it, and friendly witches around me.

    The place was just so beautiful, it gave me goosebumps and made my heart beat so fast for excitement.

    At that moment, I realized, I needed a new environment. I needed to travel, and I just got the sign from the universe. I wanted to go to that place, but I didn’t even know if it was a real place or not.

    I looked on the internet and typed in ‘beaches mountains witches’, and I found the place that I was looking for!

    It is the city called Siquijor in the Philippines. It’s a small island and it’s not that far from where I was. Just a 5-hour bus trip plus an hour ferry ride. I packed my bags an hour later, and left to the bus station without knowing if buses were running or not.

    Creating a chapter of adventure and healing

    After arriving at the bus station, all of the buses had left. Unfortunately, no late-night buses were going to where I wanted to go. I decided to wait out the night until the first bus left.

    After about twenty minutes, I went to this little store at the side of the bus station and had coffee with the bus conductor. One of them asked me where I wanted to go. I told them my destination and that I was waiting for the first bus in the morning.

    They were shocked when I muttered Siquijor. Siquijor is popularly known as the enchanted city of the Philippines. The city of magic, shamans, witches, and spells.

    According to the bus conductor, I shouldn’t go there alone as it is a dangerous place for a little lady like myself. Witches might cast spells on me, and I might not be able to get back home.

    Instead of being scared, my level of interest in that majestic city rose. My new friends told me that there was another bus going to a city down south that could drop me off at my destination. It was fully booked and leaving in thirty minutes, but they could sneak me in.

    They organized everything for me. To my surprise, my ticket was discounted! They said the bus driver would drop me off in front of a 24-hour fast-food chain so I could be safe.

    My new friends and I said goodbye to each other. I just witnessed the most beautiful art of letting go, and I couldn’t help but let the tears I was trying to hold back fall.

    For the first time in my life, I felt supported. Not by someone I know, but by people I just met over a late-night coffee. We didn’t even get each other’s names.

    Finally, I got settled on the bus. As the bus started to move, I saw my friends waving goodbye and blowing kisses for good luck from afar. That was a good feeling.

    I had good conversations with strangers. I put my trust in them and they didn’t take advantage of me. At that point, I realized that not everyone has bad intentions.

    My perspectives have changed for the better, and I felt more inspired to meet new people and meet my better self.

    My trip to Siquijor

    I arrived in Siquijor the next day. I fell in love with the place at first sight and had the feeling of being in a safe zone which is very contradicting to what my friends have told me.

    I stayed on the island for a week and saw some interesting things such as potions and spells. So I asked some people I met about witchcraft. They told me that it could be real, with smiles on their faces, and it would depend on the amount of belief you have.

    I’ve also heard about this ritual that witches facilitate for people going through difficult situations. It tickled my curiosity. I wanted to know if these things were true, and the only way to find out was to experience it.

    I experienced a ritual facilitated by a witch. The important thing is, that here I am, still alive. Not a frog or a bug. Still human, but a wiser human.

    That interesting experience changed my perspectives towards spirituality and made me realize that I was blinded by society my whole life.

    I wrote an article about this witchcraft ceremony that you can read here.

    I kept traveling around the country and became addicted to catching late-night buses. Sometimes, I would just pick a random place and go straight to the bus station.

    I went to many different places alone, spending a lot of time on the beach and in the mountains. I became closer to nature, and things just kept changing.

    Nature became my ally and the best support I’ve ever had. There were times of panic attacks and intrusive memories, but dealing with them became easier with time.

    As of this writing, I am happily living my life venturing this chaotic but beautiful world. I am in Vietnam traveling and teaching English. I love what I’m doing as besides teaching the language, I get to teach my students about life.

    About my son, he is in good hands and he understands why I had to leave.

    We always talk on the phone like best friends. He also has a good relationship with his father and this is the reason why I did not file a case against the man I used to call my husband.

    Life has never been perfect since I decided to leave my own country, but it is more meaningful now. I have my rainy days, but since I have a better understanding of how to manage this pain.

    I’m using the gift the universe gave me, which is freedom. I’m finally free from grudges, hatred, and most especially abuse.

    What domestic abuse has taught me

    Flowers signifying healing and personal change

    When we are dealing with something, we should allow ourselves to confront it, no matter how difficult it is. I used to always question my emotions until I realized the unhealthy effects of it.

    Sit with your emotions. Just allow yourself to feel them. Instead of depriving yourself of feeling those emotions, succumb to them. This is what I repeatedly did to finally get to the point of acceptance.

    If you want to cry, go curl up in bed and cry. If you’re angry, just let yourself be angry and let it out. We can only delay it but there’s no way to bypass pain.

    You have to trust the process, and part of the process is to get hit by emotions. It would feel like fire, sometimes, a storm or tsunami, but never forget, it’s only temporary.

    Understand that anger is your ally

    There’s something I have learned about anger along this journey. Anger has a bad connotation, but if we dig deeper into anger, it can be a friend.

    Why does anger exist? Why do we need to feel it? What is its purpose?

    I used to avoid anger, but avoiding anger only made things worse for me, so I decided to get to know the angry side of me more and give it love. I embraced it, and it made me realize that it is an important part of me. Anger acknowledges abuse and tells me that mistreatment is unacceptable.

    Developing a much better understanding of your anger is a good way of dealing with it. As long as you are not taking it out on someone else or yourself, you’ll be fine. Feeling angry is healthy. Feeling your emotions is healthy.

    Let’s practice not depriving ourselves of feeling what we need to feel. Let’s deal with our emotions and we should start considering them as friends that need to linger on for a moment to make us feel better.

    Use your past lessons to develop the new you

    Apart from confronting my emotions, I gave up the idea of finding myself.

    Finding ourselves is an illusion. We never lose ourselves. We only develop different personalities that change us. It’s just that we are more capable of nurturing some of our toxic ones, and that’s why we get in trouble.

    In this particular situation, I gave up the old me who was a coward, weak, vulnerable. I started molding a different version of myself which is the opposite of the old one.

    I don’t like the person I was yesterday and I don’t have to keep holding onto her. Every day I have the chance to better my personality. Technology is innovating and upgrading rapidly, so why not humans?

    I don’t hate the old me. I love her, but I needed to leave her behind for the better. Her journey is over but she will never be forgotten. I am what I am now because of her. Always remember, we develop and evolve ourselves. It’s just a matter of who we are trying to be.

    Use your pain to find direction in your life

    Instead of spending so much time and effort finding myself, I focused on finding my purpose.

    Why did I have to experience abuse? Why do we have harsh experiences? Too many questions but I know that the answers are buried somewhere close. We just have to keep digging.

    Most of the time, we are confused and miserable not because we couldn’t find ourselves. We are here for a purpose, but we tend to take it for granted and not consider it as a priority because our survival instincts speak the loudest.

    People like to listen to others instead of their intuition. We spend a lot of time scrolling on social media which only feeds our egos. Then, we feel more insecure, confused, and miserable until the thought of having a mission in this world fades away.

    So we just totally neglect our spiritual gifts. Why can’t a human just feed his soul and not his ego?

    Finding my purpose and taking my time helped me turn my chaos into a blessing. I was too busy finding my purpose in life, that I forgot that I was broken, and still dealing with the effects of abuse.

    I don’t want to say I’m over it because we can never fully get over such a painful experience. Bad experiences lead us to our better selves. They are parts of us that would repeatedly remind us of our mistakes in life. I’d rather say, I have moved on, and I keep healing!

    Rebuild faith and hope by using trauma as a gift

    I started doing spiritual practices, such as yoga and meditation. My relationship with the universe also started to grow stronger. Due to this, I learned how to listen to my intuition by trusting myself.

    There I found the meaning of my existence by focusing on what she wanted me to do instead of questioning her about my chaotic life.

    I learned my lessons the hard way, but it’s all worth it in the end.

    It took me a long time to realize that the universe wants me to use my chaos as my power. She wants me to use it to my advantage. Now, I understand that the universe picked me as one of her favorite warriors.

    I spared a lot of people who would have lost their minds or lives if they were in my position. I don’t have regrets anymore. Instead, I feel proud of myself.

    The universe knows the strong ones who can handle things very well. If you’re going through something that you think you can’t handle, just remember that the universe handpicked you because you have the courage, and she believes in you.

    You are extraordinary and a superhero. All you need to do is trust the process and of course, trust yourself.

    Embrace change to heal from abuse and hardship

    I also find embracing change a very vital part of dealing with something heavy like the effects of abuse.

    Change doesn’t heal abuse, but it helps. Change is something we usually avoid due to fear of losing the comfort or fear of failing, not realizing that without change, we’re stuck in a particular situation.

    We always have to keep in mind that change is not an enemy.

    We can’t proceed to evolve without change. Innovation is not possible without change. When are you going to get out of your comfort zone? Wouldn’t you want that heavy baggage you are carrying to soon turn into something as light as a feather?

    Don’t be afraid of going through the process of change. Believe me, change from a shitty situation is a wonderful thing. The more you embrace change, the smoother it is going to be.

    Forgive, let go, and move forward

    I have learned to forgive those people who did me wrong. I do not wish something bad to happen to them.

    I do believe in god, the universe, and karma. We reincarnate, and whatever we have sown in our past lives is what we will be reaping in our next lives.

    Dealing with abuse is not easy. If you’re going through something, it is important to be patient. Take your time and never rush things.

    There is no point in accelerating if it only means you’ll miss the highlights you should witness and the lessons you should learn.

    Remember, you are a work in progress. Always have been and always will be.

    Healing is a continuous process

    It’s been over four years since the separation, and I’m still healing.

    As I was writing some of the parts of this article, I couldn’t stop myself from becoming emotional at times. I had to take numerous pauses just to breathe and allow myself to be emotional, which signifies that I am getting better and better at dealing with my emotions.

    I will never get tired of saying that our emotions are our allies.

    In terms of finding your purpose, it may take you a long time to find it. To tell you honestly, it was just recently that I started to see a vivid picture of my purpose in this world.

    I want to give hope to those who are going through similar situations. The universe wants me to share my experiences and the lessons I have learned from them, to help people raise their voices if they are shut.

    She wants me to help those who are being abused and going through the effects of abuse. She wants me to spread the words and lessons she taught me.

    I’m not an expert at this, and I can’t speak for everyone with the same experience. All I know is that, perhaps, this can be someone’s survival guide someday.

    Be grateful for the little things

    In the past, I felt ashamed of myself for being broken. I did not want to talk about my experiences because I was scared of being judged. Now, I don’t care about what other people may say about me.

    I’m proud to say, I’ve been through a lot of things that broke me. Yes, they broke me, but they made me grow and brought me to where I am now. I was abused, I have survived that storm, and that is something I want to celebrate every day of my life.

    Life will never be perfect but it can be beautiful and meaningful. If you’re broken like I was, don’t be ashamed. Be proud of it because you are extraordinary and you are something. You’re not perfect, just like life, but you are beautiful, also like life.

  • How To Heal Emotional Pain: Intuitive Steps To Find Peace Of Mind

    How To Heal Emotional Pain: Intuitive Steps To Find Peace Of Mind

    Your feelings add flavor to the human experience, but it’s certainly not all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes you’ll hurt. Life will suck, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it, besides experience it.

    In today’s society, we’re conditioned to avoid pain. We’re either told to suck it up, or we’re given something to fix it.

    Our society treats emotional pain as the enemy when it’s a quintessential part of the human experience. Emotional pain might suck, and sometimes it’s going to feel like you’re being dragged through gravel, but as long as you learn how to manage it and heal it, the pain will pass.

    In this article I’m going to share some ways to manage emotional pain, to prevent it from getting out of control.

    What is emotional pain?

    Person dealing with severe emotional pain

    Emotional pain refers to emotions that cause suffering or misery – Induced by an emotional wound or trauma.

    Each emotion has a vibration, ranging from heavenly to hellish. Heartbreak is generally considered to be more painful than anger, but anger is still a form of emotional pain as it makes you feel miserable. 

    Emotional pain is unpleasant to experience no doubt, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing. We’re going to hurt sometimes because our world is a turbulent place. That’s why it’s important to learn how to manage your emotional pain.

    To understand vibration and its association with emotional well-being, read the article below:

    The function of emotional pain

    Emotional pain is like a distress beacon. The function of emotional pain is to indicate that something is out of balance with your emotional body – And needs to be tended to.

    If we never experienced emotional pain, we would never learn. We would continue making the same mistakes because there would be no repercussions. Therefore, emotional pain doesn’t only indicate an emotional wound – It’s a learning mechanism.

    Emotional pain becomes emotional baggage when it isn’t healed. You can learn more about emotional baggage, and how to let it go in the article below:

    Worst forms of emotional pain

    There are many different types of emotional pain, and it can be caused by many situations. Experiencing emotional pain is a universal human experience, yet every form of emotional pain is unique.

    Imagine each emotion as a spectrum. Depending on the severity of the event that caused the painful emotion, the feeling can range from being a slight sting that will come and go, to a deep trauma you may carry for many years.

    Here are some of forms of emotional pain that are considered to cause the most suffering.

    • Grief: Nothing can quite parallel the feeling of losing someone close to you, and knowing that person you love is gone
    • Heartbreak: Undoubtedly, heartbreak can be a torturous experience, and it can take a long time to heal
    • Betrayal: Feeling betrayed by someone you trust can lead to intense emotional distress as it shatters the foundation of trust
    • Guilt: Guilt is considered to be one of the lowest-vibrational emotions, and it can make you feel like absolute crap
    • Shame: Shame is also considered to be one of the lowest-vibrational emotions, and has a huge impact on your confidence and self-esteem
    • Resentment: Resentment can be a particularly painful emotion that can be very difficult to heal
    • Regret: Regret can have long-lasting implications, and feels like a wet blanket that can be difficult to heal
    • Hatred: Hatred, with similarities to resentment is an extremely painful emotion that serves nobody

    What are some signs of emotional pain?

    Everyone experiences emotional pain differently, as emotional pain manifests in different ways. Here are some general signs of emotional pain.

    • Agitation and moodiness
    • Distress and worry
    • Feelings of being overwhelmed, and the fear of not coping
    • Consistent negative thoughts and feelings
    • Feels of exhaustion and burning out
    • Lack of joy in the things that normally provide joy
    • Lack of energy and motivation
    • general discomfort and dissatisfaction with life or oneself
    • Inescapable feelings of dread, hopelessness, anguish, and anxiety
    • Inability to let go of the past

    Managing emotional pain vs healing emotional pain

    pexels artsy solomon 986857

    To understand emotional pain to a deeper extent, I first need to iron out some terminology.

    • Managing emotional pain refers to mitigating it, but not necessarily healing it. The wound is still open
    • Coping with emotional pain refers to dealing with severe emotional pain when it’s getting out of control
    • Healing emotional pain refers to closing the wound so the emotional pain no longer exists

    Managing emotional pain doesn’t necessarily mean you’re healing it. It just means you’re mitigating it.

    Healing emotional pain occurs from digging into it, processing it, and discarding it. There can be a lot of helpful strategies to manage emotional pain, but healing emotional pain generally takes time, and may require more elaborate activities such as therapy, ceremonies, and holistic and spiritual practices.

    Often, emotional pain lingers because you don’t confront it. While you deny what you’re feeling, you’re sabotaging the process of healing. It’s okay to hurt. Hurting can be healthy in fact, it shows that you’re human!

    A big part of life is to experience the negative side of it. Without contrast, you can’t grow and evolve as a person.

    Do medications help to manage emotional pain?

    Although some medications can be helpful in certain situations, I would not take medication to manage emotional pain if it can be avoided.

    Understand that emotional pain cannot be ‘fixed’. It needs to be healed, and medications just numb the pain. As I’ve mentioned, pain is a signal that something needs healing. It’s there to help you grow as a person and become happier, healthier, and wiser.

    If you’re taking medication to numb your emotional pain, you are not healing it, and it’s likely to cause more disintegration of your emotional body.  

    The truth is we’ve become so conditioned by an instant gratification culture, where the quickest, easiest option reigns supreme. Your emotional pain is not your enemy. It’s a messenger of important insights and wisdom that can’t be discovered any other way.

    In a way, drugs just shelter you from your problems but don’t solve them. It’s a temporary escape.  Emotional pain will not permanently go away without addressing it, doing the inner work, and making the appropriate life changes.

    To understand why escaping your pain is a bad idea, read the article below about my story about escapism.

    Strategies to manage your emotional pain

    pexels भोलेनाथ भक्त 1178784

    Get out in nature

    Spending time in nature helps you declutter the mind while reconnecting to a place of calm. If you are struggling, it’s important to get out in nature often and escape the hustle and bustle of the chaotic urban battlefield.

    Whenever I’m battling my demons, I get out in nature as frequently as possible – As nature is incredibly soothing. When out in the elements, stress melts right off my shoulders.

    Go for walks in a park or hike through the wilderness. Sit by a lake and you’ll notice the constant clunking of your mind slowing to a ticker. Don’t listen to music or engage your phone while you’re in nature, just be present with your thoughts and emotions.

    Nature has a profound impact on your emotional state. That’s why more cities are acknowledging the importance of green space, and mustering up the initiative to implement more into the modern human habitat.

    Stop trying to escape it!

    Nonresistance is an important philosophy when it comes to managing emotional pain. As resistance is a key component in suffering, resisting your pain compounds your suffering.

    Therefore, don’t bottle up your pain because this will make it worse in the long run. You should surrender to your emotional pain and let yourself feel it fully. You need to let your pain pass through you without trying to defer it.

    When you build the habit of allowing emotions to pass through instead of bottling them up, you will start to feel better every time you do.

    To learn more about the philosophy of nonresistance and why it’s a crucial element in managing emotional health, visit the link below:

    Be present

    Mindfulness is key in managing emotional pain. Emotional pain is often created through being fixed to the future or bound to the past. When you’re here in the now, you realize… You’re okay.

    Emotions such as guilt, shame, and resentment stem from the past. Emotions such as stress, worry, and anxiety come from the future. When you are present and let yourself just be, nothing hurts you.

    The catch is that it’s difficult to be present, especially in our rapid and stimulating lifestyles. You need to practice mindfulness and enjoy the present moment as much as you can. The more present you become, the more your pain subsides.

    Here’s a resource to help you get more into the now:

    Let it all out

    Energies are stored in your body, so it’s important to let them out. You can do this by expressing yourself emotionally and moving the energy through motion.

    If you feel sad, cry. If you feel angry, vent. Get into the habit of opening the bottle of emotions by being calibrated with the way you’re feeling. The more you express yourself, the better you’re going to feel.

    Here is a technique to help you release those pent emotions to manage your emotional pain.

    Indulge in therapeutic hobbies

    Therapeutic hobbies are great for relieving emotional pain. Hobbies that get you out of your mind and into your body temporarily subside your emotional pain, because that pain is no longer the focus of your attention.

    When you’re feeling some painful emotions, try hobbies such as:

    • Yoga
    • Painting
    • Hiking
    • Swimming
    • Sport
    • Reading

    Particular hobbies that don’t require a lot of thinking and generally have repetitive actions become a sort of mantra. They help you enter a present space which is why they can be so helpful.

    Write

    Writing is a good way to translate your emotions into words and process your pain. Writing is often my go-to when I’m dealing with something painful, because it’s an avenue to express myself.

    Some of the content on this website has been a way to dump emotions and untangle my thoughts about certain topics. Especially when I get engrossed in writing and enter a state of flow, I completely forget about the pain I’m experiencing.

    Whether you want to journal or creatively write, it doesn’t matter. Start writing your emotions down, and see if it helps you manage them.

    Meditate regularly

    Meditation is especially effective for processing emotional pain. You learn how to listen to your emotions and feel them via meditation – And this is what moves the needle with healing.

    If you are experiencing anything painful, regular meditation can help manage and heal those emotions.

    Go into the pain and explore it by meditating, and you’ll discover the pain subsides after a while.

    Make changes to your lifestyle

    Emotional pain can compound when you feel stuck in the same situation. Change things up in your life to clear the energy and create some movement.

    If you’re always in the same places, doing the same things, it’s going to be harder to get out of your headspace. So change things up and refresh your life. You will be filled with new stimuli, experiences, and opportunities.

    If you have wanted to learn an instrument, take up surfing, or start doing exercise, now is the time to make lifestyle changes that make you happy. Do something new to give redirect your focus.

    When your emotional pain becomes too much

    Person trying to cope with severe emotional pain

    Sometimes, emotional pain can become too much to bear. You try your best, but the sting of failure can debilitate you. The shame of making some fatal mistake can haunt you for a very long time. After a while. it can become too much.

    When you feel like you’re falling apart and you’re not sure how to manage your emotional pain, it may be necessary to seek support from someone who is trained to guide people through their darkest nights.

    Otherwise, if you’re struggling to manage your emotional pain because it has built up to a level of dysfunction, here are some coping strategies that might help you.

  • The Emotional Release Technique: Here’s A Simple Method To Clear Painful Emotions

    The Emotional Release Technique: Here’s A Simple Method To Clear Painful Emotions

    Dense energies can get trapped in the body – Contaminating every part of your life experience. Holding everything in until it deteriorates into bitterness is the worst way to live. So what can you do about it?

    Learning how to release dense energies from your body can help you feel much better, and clear the emotional slate. You need to regularly flush out everything that’s not serving you if you’re looking to maintain optimal well-being.

    Therefore, whenever you feel some heavy emotions chipping away at you, try out this emotional release technique to restore yourself to an emotionally healthier state.

    What is an emotional release?

    Man experiencing an emotional release

    The emotional release technique is a method of discharging emotions – Usually in the form of crying, venting, or yelling. Look at it as a way of releasing pent-up emotions by leveraging catharsis.

    In other words, an emotional release is a purge. You’re getting rid of the emotional baggage that you’re consciously or unconsciously holding onto. To understand what I’m saying here, I suggest having a read of the article below:

    Whenever I’m feeling something painful, I’ve learned to go into the emotions, express them, and let them go. What once seemed counterintuitive has become a hugely helpful process that now works like a charm.

    This is life – Shit happens. But I’ve found a key to living a happy life is maintaining your emotional health. 

    Usually, I feel great. Sooner or later something will happen and I’ll feel some dense emotions such as shame. Instead of fighting those emotions, I sink into them and discard them. Generally after this process, I’m almost immediately back to my happy self – Filled with gratitude, joy, and all those little emotions that make life worth living.

    What I’ve learned is that we’re supposed to feel great. Feeling good is our pure state, feeling miserable is a diluted state. When you’re not feeling good, it means you’re harboring dense energies, and you need to discard that baggage.

    I suggest using the emotional release technique whenever you’re feeling dense energies in the form of shame, guilt, regret, resentment, jealousy, or anything else that doesn’t serve your growth.

    Benefits of an emotional release

    Releasing pent emotions is necessary to maintain a healthy emotional well-being.

    While releasing emotions via catharsis does provide immediate relief, you should look at it as a form of maintenance – That is to release emotions whenever you feel like crap, rather than piling them up until they form dysfunction.

    This technique should be regularly practiced, and it may take many sessions before completely healing some deep-rooted trauma.

    After performing an emotional release technique, you can expect to feel:

    • Lighter in your body, like a blanket has been lifted off you
    • Relaxed due to a release of tension and stress in your body
    • Clear in your mind. You can think straight again without being clouded by stress or worry
    • Reconnected with high-vibrational emotions such as gratitude, hope, and excitement
    • Possible euphoria and joy – Feeling like life is good all of a sudden

    Healing by releasing

    When something affects you deeply, it leaves an emotional wound. The wound can only be healed by processing it naturally. Therapists and counselors guide this process, but in most cases, they’re not necessary to heal.

    You can do it yourself.

    This is how I view healing – If dense energies are trapped in your body, you won’t be able to heal.

    Imagine trying to heal a wound while you have dirt in it. The wound needs to be cleaned before it can heal. Emotional wounds are alike.

    Instead of cleansing themselves of painful emotions to naturally heal, many people attempt to escape those emotions. Here’s an article about escapism, and why it’s so detrimental to your emotional health.

    Avoiding painful emotions only pushes them deeper into the subconscious to rot – Where they become increasingly difficult to flush out. Just because that pain isn’t in the spotlight anymore, doesn’t mean it’s not causing damage.

    This is where the emotional release technique comes in – To stir up stagnant emotions and bring them back into the spotlight where you can properly deal with them.

    To learn more about helping other people release emotions, visit the link below:

    Step 1: Resurrecting the traumatic experience

    Woman processing her painful emotions

    Suppressed emotions will resurface at times if the underlying wound has not been healed. These emotions may be triggered by certain situations, surface in the form of intrusive thoughts, or seemingly come up out of nowhere – Because those energies are still trapped within your emotional body.

    When any painful emotion arises, the first step is to bring your awareness to it. Allow that painful emotion to surface, and sit with it.

    In some cases, the repressed trauma is begging to be acknowledged – Which means you don’t need to flesh it out, it will come to you. However, if you generally feel miserable but can’t identify any distinct feeling, you may need to poke the hidden wounds a little.

    You can manually dredge up stagnant energy by thinking back to painful events in your life. You might know exactly what’s left unresolved, and you might have no clear answer.

    Regardless, here’s what to do:

    1. Think back to certain events that hurt you in the past, and see whether you get an emotional response from them.
    2. Visualize yourself going back into those painful memories, and replay them in as vivid detail as possible – With a focus on the emotions you were feeling. 

    If there is no emotional response associated with those memories, they have likely already been processed. On the other hand, if you start feeling uncomfortable when you think about these memories, this is a good indicator that the wound has not been cleaned.

    You can tell how severe the trauma is by how painful thinking back to the memory is.

    Thinking back to an embarrassing moment might make you cringe, and there could be some dense energy you’re holding onto because of that incident – Which may manifest as shame or guilt. Being cheated on by your spouse might trigger more severe emotions of betrayal and worthlessness, which have much more severe manifestations.

    The magnitude of pain determines how much damage it is doing to you, and how important it is to heal. If you have a severe unresolved emotional wound, it may be necessary to seek support from a professional.

    To further understand the phenomenon of triggers and how they can be used to discover hidden traumas, read the article below:

    Confronting your trauma

    When you start experiencing emotional pain, dig into it.

    Think about the concomitant memories, thoughts, or associations that surface too.

    Any heaviness you feel under the surface, consciously exacerbate this feeling by digging deep into the emotionally active memories and thoughts. This may be something recent, or something from a long time ago.

    Paint as accurately a picture of the traumatic event as you can, and the pain and distress will start coming back. When those heavy feelings begin simmering to the surface, avoid the temptation to distract yourself. 

    Emotional pain can not physically harm you. It can simulate experiences and cause undesirable emotional responses, but you are safe. You have nothing to lose, despite what that pain convinces you to think.

    When you have fully embodied those painful energies – Which may cause tremoring, shaking, or other physiological responses, move on to the next step.

    Step 2: Reliving the trauma

    Man in a panic as his trauma comes to awareness

    After you have resurrected the painful emotions, allow them to manifest in your body. Don’t force them in or out, but surrender to the discomfort. Through nonresistance, the pain will reach a climax.

    How does it feel? What specific sensations arise when you’re feeling these painful emotions?

    Where is it? Is it a heaviness in your chest, butterflies in your stomach, or is it manifesting as a blockage in your throat – Resulting in the inability to express yourself?

    You don’t need to analyze it, but make the feelings as prominent as possible by locating the physical manifestations and sitting with them.

    Extracting lessons from trauma

    Within all trauma lies hidden lessons. I believe trauma is particularly hard to let go of when there is still a lesson to learn from the experience that caused it. Once you learn that lesson, the trauma has no leverage which creates an easier passage for departure.

    Now you need to learn from the painful feelings. This can take some patience, and any barrier you erect will prevent you from heeding the lessons.

    Don’t force the process (as forcing is an act of resistance), but be open to the wisdom of that pain. Be present with it and see what thoughts and feelings arise.

    You might experience sudden insights or epiphanies when you’re in a state of nonresistance with the pain. You might have sudden ‘ah ha’ moments.

    This is a good sign as the purpose of the emotional release technique is to extract everything you can out of the trauma and allow it to shrivel.

    Throughout my life journey, I’ve discovered that pain tends to linger around when there are still important lessons to be learned. Naturally, you will hold onto that pain, perhaps because that pain still has some service to you.

    Step 3: Purging the trauma

    Woman healing from her trauma

    Now that you’ve resurrected the painful feelings and extracted all the wisdom that you can from them, it’s time to let those painful feelings go. This is most effectively done by purging – A form of emotional release we touched on earlier in the article.

    The purge acts as an important part of the healing process. It’s like tweezing the splinter from the wound.

    If you seep deep enough into your painful feelings as expressed in part: 2 of the emotional release technique, naturally you will start having physiological reactions.

    This is the result of the unconscious trauma being pulled into your body – Where it can now be discarded.

    The purge usually happens naturally. Some examples of purging include:

    • Crying
    • Sweating
    • Facial flushing
    • Trembling
    • Shaking
    • Moaning
    • Yawning
    • Yelling
    • Ranting
    • Even vomiting in extreme cases

    The purge is to get it all out. People have different processes of purging, and there is no right or wrong way to do it.

    What you want to do is move that stagnant energy and get it outside your body. You’re essentially flushing these stagnant energies from your body – and creating space for genuine healing.

    Therefore express everything you feel when you are processing your pain. You don’t need to unnecessarily act it out or cause a forcing current, but if you feel like purging in some form – Do it.

    Discarding severe emotional trauma may take many sessions of this technique. If you have a mountain of dirt, each time you purge is like taking a shovel to the mound.

    Each consecutive time you do this technique, you may find the emotional response to be less severe – Until you don’t have one at all. 

    Healing the emotional body

    Immediately after purging, you will feel a sense of relief.

    When the pain starts to ease and your thoughts begin to wander again, be grateful. Replace that emptiness with high-vibrational emotions that you do want to carry with you. Read the article below to know what you want to fill your cup with.

    Reinforce to yourself that it’s okay to let go of the pain. Once it has nothing left to offer, gracefully let it go and thank it for its service.

    If there are still lessons to learn, these painful emotions will resurface again – Albeit to a lesser extent. If they do resurface, repeat the process.

    When you have completely neutralized the trauma, you will be able to think about the traumatic event, but there will be no emotional response.

    If there is still an emotional response, then it’s telling you that there is more work to be done, and use that as an opportunity to do this emotional release technique again.

    This technique should be practiced regularly, as the common person has a lot of trauma to heal. Unless you feel wonderful, there is more to process. With that said, we also experience more traumatic events in life as sometimes – Unexpected circumstances happen.

    But now that you’re equipped with a remedy, whenever something does happen, go through this technique and hit it before it hits you.

  • Simple Steps To Let Go of Emotional Baggage and Find Inner Peace

    Simple Steps To Let Go of Emotional Baggage and Find Inner Peace

    Emotions come and go, but sometimes, they linger around for a really long time. Can you remember a time when someone hurt you, and many years later you still feel resentment towards that person? What about an embarrassing incident in the past that you still cringe at today?

    If the pain of an old wound is still present, this tells you that the wound was never actually healed. As a result, you carry the emotional baggage, and all it does is weigh you down.

    Emotional baggage can be seen as the long-lasting residue of unresolved emotional wounds. it’s the painful emotions that you continue to experience, long after the event that caused it.

    Sometimes, people carry this emotional baggage their entire lives. It lives in the form of repressed trauma, and it will always be there until you release it. One minor incident can end up changing your life if you never let it go.

    But how can you do that?

    Here we’re going to look at emotional baggage in this article and explore how you can let go of those stubborn traumas that have become a part of who you are.

    What is emotional baggage?

    Emotional baggage 2

    Emotional baggage is trauma that you consciously, or unconsciously hold onto.

    Look at emotional baggage as repressed painful memories, thoughts, or feelings caused by unhealed wounds. What you need to understand is that trauma (or dense energy) is stored in your body.  The longer you go without healing the underlying wounds, the deeper this pain tends to inlay which makes it increasingly harder to flesh out.

    Imagine that painful energy has a physical presence. Unless you get rid of it, the pain gets trapped inside you. Over time, this stagnant energy causes more problems with your well-being, because the underlying wound has not been healed.

    You create emotional baggage when you fail to process a wound when it happens, and instead push it out of awareness. Therefore, emotional baggage is the manifestation of neglecting an emotional wound or trauma.

    How does emotional baggage harm you?

    Think of a painful emotion like a cut. If you cut yourself and decide not to treat it, the cut may get infected. When left untreated, the infection will spread, becoming more and more painful in the process.

    Your emotional body works the same way.

    Emotional baggage is like an infected wound that prevents you from healing and moving on. If left untreated, this infection spreads to other parts of you.

    You might not think that your general distrust for people was caused by an unresolved incident where you felt betrayed when you were younger. But look at how it affects your life today. The effect is much worse than the cause because the issue was never healed.

    There’s nothing wrong with experiencing painful emotions. Shit happens, it’s a normal part of being a human. Normally you will process those wounds when they occur, the pain leaves, and never comes back because the wound has been healed.

    But if you hold onto that pain, it turns into emotional baggage. That emotional baggage takes a toll over time and causes more issues in your life whether they’re in the form of trauma, mindsets, perceptions, or belief systems.

    The role of emotional baggage for behavioral problems

    Emotional baggage is heavy. You’re forced to feel reoccurring painful emotions until the root cause has been healed. Of course, holding onto painful emotions just doesn’t feel good, but they can also cause more severe issues in your life.

    This study suggests that there is a link between emotional baggage, and the inability to change. People believe that they get stuck in old patterns because they’re still holding onto the trauma from the past.

    This means that holding onto past situations do prevent you from moving forward with your life to better things. So it’s necessary to drop the baggage and allow yourself to heal the past.

    the role of emotional baggage for physical health

    Emotional baggage can take a toll on your physical health too because your physical health is thoroughly connected to your emotional health. In this sense, issues with your physical health can manifest from emotional problems – such as emotional baggage.

    According to HealthLine, emotional baggage can lead to physical issues such as:

    • Stress
    • Fear
    • Self-worth issues
    • Burnout
    • Contempt and dissatisfaction with life
    • Self-sabotage

    Examples of painful emotions turning into emotional baggage

    Imagine that you were never really given much attention when you were a kid. You thought it was unfair, and grew up thinking that your parents didn’t care about you. As you grow older, you continue to feed those thoughts, which manifest into other issues in your life.

    You begin to feel like the world is unfair, that nobody cares about you, or that you’re worthless which consequently affects your life in other ways. These painful manifestations start influencing your perception of reality, and turn it into an unfair world.

    Here are some examples of how a wound turns into emotional baggage if not healed.

    • Lucy was bullied during her adolescence and now has severe self-worth issues. She struggles to accept her appearance and gets embarrassed very easily.
    • Jake who was walked over and treated poorly most of his life can’t see the good in humanity anymore. He thinks humanity is a lost cause, and there’s not much hope for us.
    • Nancy felt betrayed by her ex-partner and has wished that bad things would happen to him for years now. She regularly checks his social media to see if something happened and feels disappointed when it doesn’t.
    • Michael was publicly made fun of while giving a presentation in school. In adulthood, he is still ashamed of that day and avoids putting himself in front of people out of fear that something similar might happen
    • Megan felt like she was never good enough for her parents. She now doesn’t think anyone can love her and refuses to look for love.
    • Jenny has general trust issues after being harassed many years ago and now hates meeting new people. Because of this, she doesn’t have many friends, and often battles with loneliness.

    Identifying emotional baggage

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    When you allow painful emotions to run their course, they will leave when their service is up. Pain is a messenger, and if you’re avoiding the lesson, the associated emotion is going to stay around, becoming more toxic the longer it’s left unresolved.

    In this sense, I call emotional baggage toxic emotions. Not that any emotion is necessarily toxic, after all, they all serve a purpose. But painful emotions can become toxic if they hang around for long enough.

    Common emotions that I would consider toxic are:

    • Resentment can linger around for a very long time, and it takes a heavy toll.
    • Guilt is commonly experienced as a toxic emotion because it can last a very long time, and degrades your peace of mind.
    • Shame can last a long time while causing further problems and limitations in your life.

    Back in the day, I worked at a restaurant where I was owed a lot of money in tips before leaving. After finishing up and moving to Vietnam to teach English, the owner decided to withhold my money which he promised to send before I left. Every time I contacted him, he would be polite, and agree to send it, but the cash would never arrive.

    Over six months passed after contacting him many times, and he eventually stopped responding. There wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. I felt cheated.

    For a long time, I resented this man. The money was one thing, but the resentment I felt consumed me. I drank poison, hoping he would drop dead from it. But he didn’t. He got on with his happy life, while I was left to deal with these hostile emotions I was feeling.

    By holding onto this resentment, he still had power over me, and I didn’t want that. It took me a long time to finally forgive him and let it go. One of the lessons I learned from this situation is that sometimes the emotional baggage causes us much more suffering than the actual event.

     In this case, I felt betrayed. It was more than missing out on the money I was owed, what got to me was the feeling that I was taken advantage of, and helpless to do anything about it.

    Be aware of the painful emotions that you’re holding onto, and how they affect your life. Identify where those emotions came from, and what the underlying wound is that is causing you to feel that way.

    Probe your memories

    First, you need to bring your emotional baggage to awareness by triggering the emotions and flushing them out of your subconscious mind.

    You can do this by recalling the specific memories of the event that caused the pain, mentally putting yourself back into that situation, and feeling all the sensations by replaying the event in your mind.

    If you manage to resurrect some of the painful emotions, this is a positive sign as you’re bringing these toxic emotions to the surface where they’re easier to work with. If there is no emotional pain associated with the memory, then this is a good sign that you have healed the wound.

    You can tell whether something is unresolved depending on the frequency and magnitude of reemergence. If you have emotional baggage, the painful emotions will be triggered at times, and you will feel them. But these moments are probably short-lived because you push them back under every time they show up.

    If a painful sensation keeps resurfacing, then it has not been resolved. It’s goading you to fix it by bringing your awareness to it.

    Self-awareness is key here. You will not be able to get rid of these toxic emotions that you carry around with you until you look into them. Once you’re aware of the emotions that no longer serve you, you can take productive steps toward letting them go.

    Pinpoint the wound

    If you have emotional baggage, sometimes you will get seemingly random bursts of guilt, shame, regret, or whatever emotion is associated with the wound.

    This used to happen to me quite a lot, over incidences that seemed insignificant. Sometimes I would think back to something I did in a previous relationship, or perhaps a mistake I made in a job, or something I did that hurt someone else, and suddenly I would feel a sharp sting.

    Usually, I pushed that painful memory away. After a few seconds, I would be feeling normal again, and that was that. But then on a later date, that same emotion would pop up again.

    After realizing that this was an unhealed wound, I identified the memory that was associated with the wound.  So I would look into:

    • The memory: What is the specific memory that causes the pain?
    • The pain: What sort of pain is it? In my case, it’s usually shame that I feel
    • The situation: What specifically happened that made you feel this way?

    By looking into the memory, the pain, and the pain point, you have identified the wound, and now you know what needs healing. Identifying the wound becomes an act of noticing reoccurring patterns because if a pain keeps showing up, it means the wound is still active.

    How to let go of emotional baggage

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    Letting go of emotional baggage is a process of acknowledging your wounds, resurrecting the concomitant feelings, and consciously releasing them from your body. The process of letting go looks different from person to person, but often it requires you to consciously surrender to your feelings to heal the wound.

    Dig into your wounds

    To let go of emotional baggage, you’ll need to do some shadow work. That is to introspect, look deep into the issue, and hopefully come to some good insights and realizations about the nature of these wounds.

    You need to deeply feel those painful emotions undisrupted to learn what they’re trying to teach you. Given that you do this every time they show up, you are releasing a little bit of that dense energy from your body every time you do.

    If something triggers an insecurity, emotion is trying to draw your attention towards the core issue of your insecurity. If you feel resentment towards someone that you can’t seem to let go of, the emotional pain is turning your attention to the wound, not to discover what caused the wound, but why you feel so deeply hurt.

    Emotional pain is a messenger, telling you that there’s an issue with your emotional body that needs attention. By calibrating with your emotional body, the emotional pain will lead you to the root issue.

    Be present with the pain

    When you have brought up the underlying emotional pain, don’t judge, analyze, or label it. Just experience it fully, express yourself, and let it go in its own time. Do not rush this process. Make a habit of removing all distractions such as the TV, music, noise, people, or anything that could distract you from the experience.

    Sit with the emotions when they arise and don’t try to block them up. Mindfulness is crucial here. Your ability to be present and feel the emotions fully is paramount in processing those toxic emotions and letting them go.

    This is likely to take many sessions, not just one, so make a habit of processing and healing these emotions every time they come up. The more you build the habit of sitting with your painful emotions, the more effective you will become at this practice.

    To learn more about sitting with painful emotions instead of escaping them, here are a couple of articles that go much deeper into the topic.

    Leverage catharsis

    When you’ve resurrected those painful emotions, you need to purge those energies. Remember, those painful energies are stored in your body, and what we understand as catharsis is a way of getting them out.

    So when you feel the discomfort, allow yourself to go through the motions. Cry, tremble, yell, pray. Do whatever you need to expel that uncomfortable energy that’s blocked inside your body.

    You might not get it all out in a single go. But if those feelings come back up again, do what you can to get rid of them via catharsis. You can learn more about that here: