Symbosity

Category: Social Dynamics

Learn how to construct healthy relationships with people, which cultivate mutual respect and understanding. By learning pivotal skill sets such as resolving conflicts in a win-win manner, or bringing honestly into every interaction, your relationships with friends, family, partners and acquaintances are going to become much more harmonious.

  • How Do You Stop People Pleasing?

    How Do You Stop People Pleasing?

    We all want to be liked. After all, we’re social creatures. We grow up in families, communities, and booming social hierarchies. It’s a normal human need to want to belong, but there’s a fine line between being a part of the pack and broadcasting it to them.

    When we try too hard to belong, that’s when we enter the territory of people-pleasing. And if you’re not already aware, people-pleasing has the opposite effect of what’s intended.

    People pleasers come off as insecure, needy runts who have nothing better to do than to gain the approval of people who matter. It’s a disempowering position to be in and people-pleasing reeks like a foul odor.

    You are better than that. I’m sure you know why people-pleasing sucks, but you still do it. You do it because you haven’t gotten to the roots of it.

    Here we’re going to look at the root cause of this behavior. Why are you desperate for approval, and how can you validate yourself?

    Why you’re a people pleaser

    Woman being a people pleaser

    People pleasing isn’t something that we deliberately do. We do it because there is a deep underlying need to be approved of by peers. Because if our hunter-gatherer minds tell us anything, it’s that together = living, alone = death.

    People pleasing is a coping mechanism. Your primal fear of rejection dictates the need to be accepted by the tribe. So you try extra hard to get on their good side so that you don’t face the risk of being exiled.

    But we don’t live in tribes anymore. In the modern social circus, we still feel the fear of rejection, but there are no consequences for being rejected. It’s just outdated programming that makes us think we need to be on the good side of the big angry ape that leads the pack.

    5 reasons why youre a people pleaser

    Common signs of people pleasing behavior

    Here are some common signs of people pleasers. Take note of the following behaviors and see if you can think of instances in your own life when you do it.

    • Overcommitting: You make much bigger commitments than you should, and usually for things that aren’t very important.
    • Difficulty saying no: You might find it uncomfortable to say no to people, so you just say yes instead.
    • Suppressing personal needs: You focus on how you can offer value to others and don’t prioritize your own needs.
    • Excessive agreeability: You tend to agree with people regardless of their opinions or beliefs, even if you don’t agree with them.
    • Avoidance of conflict: You prefer to avoid conflict at all costs, even if comes at the expense of swallowing your values.
    • You can’t assert yourself: You struggle to stand up for yourself, your beliefs, and values, and instead discount them as inferior or ‘wrong’.
    • You don’t have a preference: Anything goes, all the time. You rarely state your opinion in case people disapprove. As a result, you’re generally not as vocal as others.
    • You give more than you take: You are always giving your time and energy, but you rarely get it back. People come to expect that you will go out of your way for them.

    Why people pleasing isn’t good for you

    Approval seeking behavior

    Let’s start with yourself.

    You are the clear loser here because you’re spending much more of your energy than the people you’re trying to please.

    But to add icing to the cake, people tend to respect you less because you’re a try-hard. After all, the bad boys always got the ladies because they didn’t give a crap. People respect that self-confidence and assertiveness, even when it’s slightly (or highly) misled.

    It’s refreshing when people don’t care, and just be themselves. When you’re trying to win someone’s kindness or attention, you’re instantly disqualifying yourself from being respected.

    So let’s look at why this habit needs to be curbed.

    The hidden costs of people pleasing

    Beyond stress and burnout from trying too hard, people-pleasing has deeper consequences.

    Over time, people pleasing erodes your self-worth because you’re essentially degrading yourself by valuing other people’s time and energy over yours. You’re putting other people on a pedestal, and this is going to warp your self-perception.

    Furthermore, you could be spending that time and energy on yourself to improve your own life. But since you’re wasting it on people who don’t care about you, your growth is stunted.

    When you spend your whole life being a people pleaser, it can become difficult to express yourself authentically because you’ve become so accustomed to having a persona. That means your authentic self might feel unnatural, and you create more of an aversion to it.

    The root cause of people pleasing

    People pleasing comes from a lack of self-worth. If you don’t value yourself, you try to artificially make up that value by being extra helpful.

    Changing your behavior is one thing, but people-pleasing is always going to feel natural to you until you learn to value yourself more and heal the root cause of this detrimental self-image.

    To get to the bottom of it, it’s necessary to reflect on this behavior and recognize when you’re doing it. Time to start improving your self-image

    Building assertiveness without guilt

    Man being assertive at a meeting

    Conflicts trigger a part of you that feels like you need to survive. You don’t feel like the big dog. You feel like the runt that needs to be submissive.

    But in today’s world, you have just as much power as anyone else. It’s all a perception, and you certainly don’t need to win people’s approval to survive. So what you need to do is learn how to build your assertiveness without feeling like you’re going to be exiled from the village.

    Here are some things you can do.

    Stop trying so hard

    I used to be super nice to people I didn’t like when there was some sort of friction. If I felt like I was getting on someone’s bad side, I would suck up to them even more.

    I can’t remember a single instance in my life when this worked. Yet, this seemed to happen at every single job. I always got on someone’s bad side, and I had no idea why. This was a recurring pattern that I continued to manifest until I got comfortable with not being liked by everyone.

    So I developed a different approach. I still treated the person with kindness, but once it got to a point, I stopped trying altogether.

    Why put in the effort when it just doesn’t work out for me? So I minimized interacting with the person as much as possible. I would still be polite when I did, but otherwise, I just didn’t put in the effort, and you know what?

    It felt good!

    One time at a job working in an airport restaurant, one of the guys I worked with just didn’t like me. He usually ignored me, and I would reciprocate by constantly trying to make conversation, help him out, and just try way too hard to get along with him.

    So I decided to stop.

    At first, it was awkward, but then it became normal. One day, the person flipped, and suddenly they were engaging me, showing interest in my life, and genuinely being kind.

    I responded pleasantly, asked some questions back, and moved on. From that moment, this person had a very different attitude towards me. He treated me more like a friend because the power dynamic changed when I stopped trying.

    In my experience, disengaging people apart from necessary communication signals a message. People tend to reflect once they realize they’re no longer wearing the pants. The person thinks ‘Wait, am I the asshole?’ Which often causes them to change their attitude towards you.

    Remember, you don’t need to be friends with everyone. If someone doesn’t want to be your friend, that’s on them, not you. So don’t treat it like it’s your problem.

    Put yourself first

    It’s great to want to help others and all, but if you’re a people pleaser, that’s the least of your concerns. You need to counterbalance helping others by putting yourself first. This just comes down to self-care. 

    I don’t mean this in an egocentric sort of way. But likely you put everyone else’s desires before your own, and this comes at the compromise of your own needs. So you need to be a little bit selfish.

    To you, it might feel like you’re being an asshole. To other people, it probably comes across as reasonable. So before you do anything, think about whether it’s in your best interest to do so.

    Sure, you can let little favors slide here and there, but otherwise, prioritize your own needs.

    Voice your opinion more often

    Opinions are like assholes. Everyone’s got one. But you’ve made yourself an exception to that rule because your opinions might not slide with some people.

    You might not think that your opinion is wanted, but more than likely, your opinion is a welcome change. Even if you don’t resonate with someone’s opinion, there’s something nice about people speaking their truth, and having an opinion.

    What terrifies me is living in a world where people are like robots and everyone just conforms without voicing what they think. Don’t let this be you. Be vocal about your truth, especially when it’s being attacked.

    Learn to say no

    If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it.

    You can reject a proposal in a courteous way that doesn’t hurt anyone. When someone offers you something that you don’t want, just say ‘I’m good, but thank you’.

    If someone is asking you to do something you don’t want, you can tell them your reasoning, but I find it’s easier to just tell people that I don’t want to. After all, what are they going to do about it?

    So make a habit of saying no, and don’t let people pressure you. Realize when you’re being pressured to do something you’re not comfortable with and stick to your guns.

    Learn your boundaries

    If there’s one thing you’ve learned from this whole ordeal, it’s that you should never let people take advantage of you. You might think you’re being the better person at the time, but you always end up feeling like you sold out afterward.

    So you need to form a crystal clear idea of where your boundaries are and assert them when someone tries to cross them. And I would say that people do cross them because they so easily get away with it, and know they will.

    So show them that you take yourself seriously, and you’re not a free meal.

    Becoming your authentic self

    Woman laughing with glitter

    Not being a people pleaser doesn’t mean you can’t be nice. Honestly, it comes down to being genuine above all else, because people-pleasing is a facade to be liked. Your behavior is not integral to how you’re actually feeling, and this is an issue.

    If you were being kind out of genuine love for the person, it’s a much different story. But since you’re trying to please them, you have a hidden agenda. You’re looking for something, whether it’s attention, friendship, brownie points, approval, or whatever it may be.

    Therefore, being authentic with how you actually feel is a powerful antidote to people pleasing. Let’s look at how you can become more authentic here.

    Be genuine

    It’s good to be genuinely kind. I base my life around values of kindness and generosity, but now I’ve found a healthy balance. If it’s not genuine kindness, as I don’t care about the person, it comes off as crummy and weak.

    Again, it’s good to be kind, but it should be because you genuinely want to bring a smile into people’s lives, not because you want to improve their perception of you.

    If you’re not feeling it, don’t wear a mask. Own your feelings and be congruent with your mood at the time.

    Build up your self-worth

    There’s no way around this one. Part of why you people please is because you don’t feel worthy of loving yourself. Because you don’t feel worthy, you feel you need to win it, rather than respect being something that you’re entitled to.

    Building up your self-worth is a mission on its own. There’s no shortcut to perceiving yourself in a better light. It takes time and effort.

    Recognize your value

    I can assure you that there is something valuable about you. There are things that you unknowingly offer that you just don’t recognize.

    Maybe it’s your intelligence, your generosity, your wisdom, your good heart. Maybe you’ve got a calm energy, an unusual perspective that others can learn from, or a difficult life journey that people can be inspired from.

    You are valuable in one way or another. Identify why you’re a valuable person, and what you have that a lot of people don’t. Understand that people benefit from your value, but they are not entitled to it. So own it!

    People pleasing in relationships

    Man giving flowers to a woman

    When you’re with someone who you feel is out of your league (or you’re trying to win them over), people-pleasing is detrimental. 

    Aside from dating skills 101: The nice guy doesn’t get the girl, people pleasing in relationships can prematurely end it too. That’s because people want to feel like they’re an equal. If you’re with someone who’s kissing your feet and trying to win your love, then it’s not a very strong foundation for a relationship.

    But removed from attraction dynamics, people pleasing causes other problems.

    Firstly, you may suppress your true thoughts and feelings to meet the perceived expectations of your partner. You will do what makes them happy at the sacrifice of your happiness.

    Over time, the façade of constant agreeability can lead to a lack of genuine communication as your true desires remain unexpressed. This can also lead to things like resentment, mistrust, and all sorts of issues.

    You might feel like you’re not being appreciated for all the effort you’re putting in, which can lead to breakdowns in communication. This is how more of my relationships than I would like to admit had ended, because I didn’t express myself.

    A healthy relationship thrives on mutual understanding, respect for individual boundaries, and the freedom to express one’s true self.

    To stop people-pleasing in a relationship, here’s what you need to do:

    • Identify how much you people please, and for what reason
    • Stop giving if you rarely take. There should be some sort of energy exchange
    • Practice saying no to things in a polite way
    • Establish clear boundaries with your partner
    • Openly communicate with your partner. Tell your partner how you’re feeling, and why you’re feeling this way

    Cultivating healthier relationships with people-pleasers

    On the other hand people pleasing is wanting to help someone who is trying to impress you.

    When you notice someone trying to earn your love or affection, it is important to point their attention toward this behavior gently and reassuringly.

    Tell the person that you want them to make more decisions, or you want them to be more vocal about their opinions. Whenever the person says something along the lines of ‘I’m fine with anything, up to you’, remind them that they’re just handing you the responsibility, and you don’t want it.

    Put the pressure back on them every time they try to handball the decision to you. This will force them to start taking the lead by acting on their desires.

    This also empowers the person to become more independent, because people-pleasing in a relationship can lead to codependency, all of which you can read about below:

  • How To Increase Social Status: The Holistic View

    How To Increase Social Status: The Holistic View

    What do you think of when you hear the term social status? Some rich dude with three half-naked models on a five-million-dollar yacht? Some famous influencer, actor, or entrepreneur who’s adored by half the world?

    Here’s the thing, you wouldn’t know who these people were if you had met them in person. They would just be ordinary people, like you, so what’s the difference?

    It’s the image. People who have high social status hold themselves better. They feel like they’re on top of the world and radiate an energy that draws people in. But you don’t need to be famous or drive a Lamborghini to have that same energy.

    What you need to understand is that social status is a construct. It’s not real. Anyone can be perceived to have high social status. Anyone can be perceived to have a low social status. What matters are the cards you play, the standards you hold yourself to, and how people perceive you.

    With that said, in this article, we’re going to dig into the phenomena of social status. You’re going to learn what it is, how it influences your life, and how you can become someone with high social status by tweaking a few things in your life.

    What is social status?

    Social status

    Human nature tends to create order.

    Through a system of order, we create hierarchies that are evident in everything we do. We construct corporate hierarchies and government hierarchies, likewise, society is broken into different classes. We have them in school, university, between peers, and in social circles.

    Social status refers to the position you sit at within these hierarchies, or at least your perceived position on this hierarchy.

    • Being down the bottom = low perceived importance = low social status
    • Being up the top = high perceived importance = high social status

    From spiritual leaders to presidents, to celebrities: the people sitting on top hold more authority, influence, and power. Not all of these systems are pre-established however, so you don’t have to be some famous guru to have a lot of social status.

    Everyone has a price tag in the eyes of society.

    Every time you meet an unfamiliar face, you unconsciously gauge their position and determine their social value. The perceived level of value that a person offers translates into social status.

    We tend to perceive importance on a few tangible metrics:

    • Level of wealth: Someone who is rich has more social status than someone poor
    • Breadth of influence: A celebrity has more social status than a social ghost
    • Role in community: Someone who contributes more value to their community has more social status than someone who doesn’t

    These metrics are interconnected. Someone who has a more significant role in their community is generally compensated better for it and has more influence because of it. But social status is more intricate than a few measly metrics. You don’t need to be rich and famous to have significant social status, because social status is a perception.

    Social status can assumed through a series of characteristics that together create the image of an important person. Essentially, you want to reverse engineer the process.

    Particular traits such as charisma, confidence, and competence correspond with a high social status as they reflect well on the individual, while characteristics such as shyness and awkwardness correspond with a low social status.

    When someone has low social status, others don’t see them as an important person. These people are typically discarded, walked over, and disrespected. They hold little influence, and most people don’t acknowledge them. Sadly, people with low social status are the peasants of modern society.

    A person who seems to have everything including a great lifestyle, a good job, great social competence, and a booming romantic life will be seen as someone with more status. They have more to offer others, compared to someone with nothing to show. Therefore, other people look up to these people and think ‘Wow, I wish I had their life’.

    This value might be abundance. As history states, the powerful hoard all the resources. This translates a little differently in modern times, but this dynamic is still there.

    Value may come in the form of humor, generosity, and friendliness, to the quality of conversation and how fulfilling they are. If you’re funny and enjoyable to spend time around, this is going to give you more status because people are attracted to that trait.

    How does your social status affect your life?

    Social status

    The position you hold within a community has a considerable influence on both personal and professional aspects of your life. Social status can have far-reaching effects that contribute to your overall well-being and success.

    Here are some ways in which a high social status will benefit your life:

    1. Opens doors for opportunities: Social status often determines access to opportunities such as education, career advancement, and networking. People with higher social status may have better job prospects and career development opportunities, as they’re seen as valuable people.

    2. Professional advancement: Social status can affect the amount of recognition you get within your area of expertise. People with higher social status might find it easier to gain recognition, secure leadership roles, and access exclusive career-building opportunities. On the other hand, people with lower social status might encounter barriers and likely need to work a lot harder to get to the same point.

    3. Improved networking: Social status often determines the circles an individual can enter, and the people they can connect with. People with higher social status might have access to influential networks. Building connections becomes more accessible and allows them to create relationships that can open new doors.

    4. Expanded influence: Social status makes people influential, as people are more likely to listen to them. This allows them to have a broader effect within a community or organization. People with higher social status may hold more sway in decision-making processes, shaping policies and directions that impact a wider audience.

    5. Improved social interactions: Social status can affect an individual’s social interactions and integration into different groups. Those with a higher social status might find it easier to integrate into influential circles, while those with lower status may encounter barriers in building connections.

    Becoming a person of high social status

    Podium

    If you want to raise your social status, it’s important for you to display the characteristics of someone who lives a life of high value, and offer this through your interactions. The material situation doesn’t really matter. What matters is how you can show other people that you have something to offer.

    If other people feel like they’re benefiting by having you in their lives, then this is going to translate into social status. Are you a confident person? Show it. You can provide fulfilling conversations, do it. Perhaps you’re just a very chill person who gives good vibes, and that people love to be around. Use it.

    Use your best qualities to your advantage, and make sure that they’re visible.

    Provide value to your community

    People with a high social status often include political figures, celebrities, CEOs, innovators, and successful entrepreneurs.

    Why?

    Because these people are at least perceived to provide a lot of value to society.

    The people with high social status are usually abundant. Often you will see figures who have a wide breadth of influence, powerful voices, and endless admiration from countless people. You don’t need to be famous or hugely successful to be someone of high social status though.

    You can have a high social status in your social circles, in your workplace, and within your local community. Just make sure you’re providing value to others, and that you’re benefiting them by being in their life in some form.

    Embody characteristics that correspond with high social status

    Build your image by exhibiting desirable qualities that people appreciate.

    Here’s a hack; If the traits align with the higher self by evoking positive sensations in others, you will likely be seen as a person of value. On the other hand, exhibiting traits of the lower self will lower your social status.

    If you instill negative feelings such as fear or nervousness, your social status will plummet. People don’t want to be around people that make them feel less than average. People want to be around others who make them feel good and bring them up.

    You can be anyone and be perceived as anyone. If you have lived your life as an individual with low social status who is always looked down on by peers and superiors, you hold the key to changing this.

    It starts with the characteristics you embody, and how you make others feel.

    Establish yourself as an authority

    It doesn’t matter what you do, if you become an expert in any given field or subject, people are going to look up to you. By establishing yourself as an authority, people are going to take you seriously. Your knowledge and expertise will spread, and this is resultantly going to boost your social status.

    Demonstrating leadership qualities and showcasing your expertise not only boosts your social status but also positions you as a respected authority in your field. These actions can help you stand out and gain recognition among your peers and colleagues.

    A big part of being an authority is speaking your mind and going against the grain a little. Conformity doesn’t earn respect, at least not in most cases. You need to stand out from the crowd.

    Therefore, don’t be afraid to speak your truth. Say what you believe in. Do what resonates with you. Educate people on what you feel they need to know.

    Have a purpose behind what you’re doing and why you’re doing it, and people are going to be drawn to you like ants to sugar.

    Take on leadership roles

    People are attracted to ideas.

    If you have some big ideas about creating change in the world and you’re moving the needle to make it a reality, people are going to see this determination. Start by having that vision, and then be a leader of your own life to make it happen.

    Seek out leadership roles within your professional organizations, community groups, or industry associations. Being proactive in such roles demonstrates your commitment to making an impact.

    Another good thing to do is to start organizing things. Show some initiative and it’s going to help you get far. Try to set up workshops, seminars, or webinars on topics that you know a lot about. Taking the lead in sharing knowledge creates respect and positions you as a thought leader.

    Make sure you also lead by example. Demonstrate qualities such as integrity, accountability, and effective communication in your leadership roles. Your actions will inspire others to follow your lead.

    Improve your networking skills

    Networking skills

    Your ability to network is huge when it comes to building a name for yourself. You can’t get anywhere in life without other people, so when you utilize those connections, that’s when you’ll start going places.

    Cultivating a strong and diverse network is a strategic approach to elevate your social status. A well-nurtured network not only offers opportunities for personal and professional growth but also enhances your influence within your chosen area.

    If nobody can find you even if they look, how are you supposed to make a name for yourself? You need to start putting yourself out there and make connections. There are many ways to do this, from going to events and workshops, being invited into social circles, using social media, and hosting things yourself.

    Focus on connecting with individuals who align with your professional goals and share similar interests. Quality connections hold greater potential than a large but superficial network.

    Research potential contacts before reaching out. Seek connections from diverse backgrounds and industries. Exposure to different viewpoints enriches your understanding and widens your network’s scope.

    After an event or initial interaction, send a follow-up message and stay connected with the person. This is where social media comes in handy too.

    Maintain regular communication with your network through social media interactions, email updates, and sharing valuable content. Consistent engagement deepens relationships. Provide value to your connections by sharing insights, resources, or opportunities. Contributing positively to their endeavors strengthens your relationship.

    Building a valuable network requires genuine effort and a willingness to invest energy into building meaningful connections. By focusing on quality connections, attending relevant events, and nurturing relationships through ongoing engagement, you establish yourself as a respected and influential presence within your network and industry.

    Cultivate an online presence

    online presence

    In this day and age, your online presence plays a huge role in your social status because everything’s connected to the internet! Therefore, it would be a crime not to mention it in this article.

    Making use of online platforms to get your name out there can significantly improve your visibility and influence.

    Creating a strong online presence requires a thoughtful approach. By strategically using social media, pushing out content, and maintaining a strong image, you can establish yourself as a credible presence in your niche. This digital presence complements your offline efforts and contributes to your overall social status.

    The best thing about it is that anyone can explode if they have an online presence. It provides an avenue for people to find you and see what you’re about. If you take the right approach, your message will spread far and wide, and a strong online presence by itself can bring you to fame.

    Over half the world is connected to social media, so of course, if you want to raise your social status and build a name for yourself, start there.

    Identify platforms that are relevant to your niche and target audience. For example, LinkedIn is best for professional development and industry networking. Facebook is good for creating groups and staying engaged in different things. Twitter (now X) is good for content creation, as is YouTube.

    Actively engage with your followers by responding to comments, participating in discussions, and sharing relevant content from others. This interaction builds rapport and credibility. With that said, just leverage social media, and you’re going to make your life much easier when it comes to building a name for yourself.

    If you want to get somewhere with an online presence, you need to make a lot of content.

    This should be a priority as your content is what shows people what you’re actually about, and what value you provide. This is the soul of your image and shows people who you actually are.

    The goal is to build up a strong portfolio of information that shares your personal opinions and provides great information for others to use. Besides, your content leads back to you. So when you put a lot of content out there, a lot of people are bound to discover your work and follow you for more.

    So stay consistent in your efforts, and make sure you’re putting out lots of high-quality content.

    The role of continuous self-improvement

    Take a leap of faith

    Increasing your social status is not just about external recognition. It’s also about continuously learning, growing, and expanding your capabilities. As someone on the path of growth, it’s important to hold the mindset that you are always expanding, that way you’ll never stagnate and be forgotten.

    By committing to a journey of self-improvement, you can stand out in various spheres of life, from personal interactions to professional achievements. Here’s how the pursuit of continuous self-improvement can contribute to improving your social status:

    As with anything in life, you need to build the skills and abilities to accomplish it. If you want to be a thought leader in a niche, or you want to be an educator or influencer, you need to develop the knowledge, competence, and skills needed to make it happen.

    For example, if you already have a great depth of knowledge in your chosen subject, you might need to learn how to communicate it effectively. This means you’ll need to practice public speaking, learn all the tricks and trades of connecting with the right people, and be charismatic.

    Likewise, acquiring new skills and knowledge makes you a more valuable individual in both personal and professional settings. Learning new languages, mastering digital tools, or gaining expertise in emerging fields can set you apart from the crowd, and that is what has a monumental effect on your social status.

    Without really paying attention to what you’re doing wrong, you’re not going to know what to do right. That’s why it’s important to seek feedback and look at your failures, and what you can do better.

    Seeking advice from peers, mentors, and colleagues provides insights and understanding into how you’re perceived by others. You gain a lens to see your strengths and weaknesses, which allows you to make the appropriate adjustments.

    Your ability to adapt allows you to navigate changing situations with ease. The world is changing quickly. Ten years ago, your online presence wouldn’t have mattered at all to your social status, now it’s a huge part.

    You need to keep on top of changing trends to make sure you’re always climbing the right ladder. Having a growth mindset helps here, as you’ll always look for new and innovative ways to do just that.

    If you can demonstrate resilience in the face of setbacks and showcase your ability to handle adversity, others are more likely to respect you because you’re showing perseverance. It’s easier to look up to someone who climbed so high, than someone who started there.

  • How to Resolve Arguments and Foster Healthy Relationships

    How to Resolve Arguments and Foster Healthy Relationships

    Sometimes, conflicts are unavoidable.

    Despite our best attempts to be the bigger person, at times our egos kick into action, and a harmless conversation can explode into a firestorm of anger. That’s why it’s important to resolve conflicts with the least amount of drama involved.

    There is no clear course of action to resolve arguments. Everyone is different, and it can be tricky to navigate complex personalities.

    However, you should learn from your arguments, and discover the best path to resolve them gracefully. In this article, we’re going to look at some of the best practices to resolve arguments and prevent a small trife from turning into an all-out war.

    Healthy arguments vs destructive arguments

    Arguments will naturally happen with anyone you spend a lot of time around. Though they’re not pleasant to experience, sometimes they are necessary.

    Sometimes, they’ll get the best of you and cause a wake of destruction. You’re only human after all. Nobody’s perfect so don’t beat yourself up about it, but do learn from the arguments you want to avoid in the future.

    Until you learn how to navigate arguments, dealing with people can feel like traversing a minefield. One step too far, and all hell breaks loose. Until you know how to navigate these minefields, arguments can have a heavy toll on your emotional health and hurt the people you care about most.

    To gain a better understanding of arguments, let’s quickly explore the difference between healthy arguments and destructive arguments, because awareness is the best remedy.

    Healthy arguments

    Arguments can be healthy as they dredge up suppressed emotions and bring underlying issues to the surface. This creates a pathway for productive dialog and healing.

    Given there’s a resolution, arguments can clear the air and bring balance back to the relationship. They are a way for people to vent, which we all need to do from time to time as venting acts as an emotional release.

    Furthermore, arguments show us where people’s boundaries lie. They’re part of learning how to navigate different personalities. So they’re not all bad, but they can certainly be destructive when taken too far.

    Destructive arguments

    Destructive arguments are common in dysfunctional relationships where each person sets out to win rather than understanding why the other person is roused up.

    Destructive arguments quickly spiral out of control and often leave lasting damage. They can open old wounds, and likely create new ones too. They occur when people deliberately try to hurt one another instead of trying to resolve the argument.

    Nothing good comes from a destructive argument. People only get hurt, it doesn’t resolve anything, and it usually leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.

    Avoiding arguments

    Couple in the middle of an argument

    It doesn’t matter how enlightened you think you are, you will get into arguments sometimes.

    Emotions such as frustration and resentment compound, brick by brick, and that energy needs to be cleared to restore emotional equilibrium.

    The chemistry between you and the person you’re around will never be perfect. Naturally, there will be friction at times, but your perception of an argument makes a world of difference.

    Regardless of how long I’ve been on the personal growth journey, I still get into arguments. Sometimes with my partner, sometimes with my mum. I’m not going to pretend I’ve cracked the code because I haven’t.

    But I have gotten much better at navigating them.

    To me, arguments are learning mechanisms that create space for reflection, change, and growth. When an argument is building up, I now perceive it as a growth opportunity and make sure that my relationship is better off after the argument than before.

    Therefore, learn to see arguments as instruments for growth. Of course, you don’t want to needlessly facilitate them, but recognize the role they play to take a more mature stance on the subject. This will help you diffuse them before they become an issue.

    Communicate preemptively

    As always, prevention is better than cure.

    If someone seems upset, sometimes it’s best to open that can of worms before it evolves into a bigger issue. Addressing early signals before they manifest into a problem can prevent arguments.

    So ask the person what’s wrong.

    Create a nonjudgmental space where the person knows they can open up to you. If they feel like you don’t care, they won’t speak, and the tension will continue building.

    Be attentive

    There are always signs that tension is building. Often you will feel a tangible difference in the energy if something needs to be discussed. From my experiences navigating a wide variety of different personalities, I’ve become aware of some common reasons why tension may be building:

    • Poor communication: A lack of effective communication can cause frustration
    • A lack of awareness of boundaries: Obliviously overstepping boundaries can get on the person’s nerves
    • Missing obvious cues: If you’re not aware of hints and cues, the person might feel frustrated
    • Unresolved Issues: Lingering unresolved issues can contribute to escalating tensions
    • Assumptions and Misinterpretations: Making assumptions can lead to misunderstandings and conflict
    • Emotional Triggers: Certain behaviors might trigger the person

    All of these points may seem quite innocent. However, the person may not know how to express themself or may feel awkward raising their concern. This is why effective communication is needed.

    Noticing issues aren’t always obvious. Therefore, the more awareness you have of subtle cues, the easier it will be to prevent an argument from happening. This requires social calibration and self-awareness.

    Common signals include:

    • Changes in body language and mannerisms
    • Changes in eye contact such as avoiding a direct gaze
    • Changes in attitude and behavior
    • Moodiness
    • Agitation in their tone of voice
    • Physical tension such as crossed arms or fidgeting
    • The person’s choice of word, or lack of

    Don’t involve the ego

    Mature adults discuss without getting caught in the need to be right, because nobody wins when the ego is in play. A heated discussion can escalate very quickly when the ego isn’t managed.

    Everyone wants to prove a point by blocking their ears and shouting their opinion. The argument becomes personal, and the victory is based on how much they could hurt the other person.

    During an argument, people just want to be heard, but sometimes this desire comes at the expense of hearing the other side of the story. People feel like they haven’t expressed themselves because nothing they say is acknowledged.

    Instead of aiming to make a point, aim to resolve the issue. Recognize when you’re ego is coming out of the woodworks and calmly diffuse the situation instead of fighting fire with fire.

    Without tension, the argument wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Therefore, acknowledge that the argument came up for a reason, and seek to clear the air. 

    Navigating arguments

    Couple in a conflict

    The best way to navigate an argument is to be diplomatic about your approach. This can be difficult when you’re in the heat of the moment, however, finding mutual ground is key.

    Aim to find a solution that is mutually beneficial for everyone involved. Be honest, but compassionate. Compromise on matters so everyone walks away feeling somewhat relieved.

    Try to reach a consensus to allow one another to speak undisrupted. This means no combatting, arguing, or rebutting. Allow the other person a few minutes to fully express themself, then you take your turn. Actively listening and acknowledging the person is crucial.

    When both people have a chance to fully express themselves, the energy changes. It becomes a much more productive space where everyone can feel heard.

    It’s important to acknowledge what the trigger for the argument was.

    Hold the space

    Sometimes people are emotionally charged and just want to blow off some steam. When this is the case, you need to let them.

    When people are venting their frustrations, it’s important not to take it personally, regardless of how attacked you feel. Sometimes you just need to let the person vent, knowing that anything you say will add fuel to the fire.

    In my experience, holding space usually diffuses the situation. The person will eventually calm down after getting everything they need off their chest. This creates footing for a productive discussion.

    Speak from your point of view

    Speak about your issues from your perspective. Once you point the finger, the person will likely interpret it as an accusation, and get defensive.

    Using definitive statements such as “You aren’t listening to me” will exacerbate the issue. Even if you believe the other person was in the wrong, phrase it from a personal perspective, such as “I feel you aren’t listening to me”.

    A simple shift in phrasing the situation can make a world of difference.

    Therefore, focus on how you feel rather than what they’re doing. Speaking from your point of view avoids casting blame and triggering their defenses. It also humanizes you which may help the person see your perspective.

    As always, do this in the least condescending was possible.

    Some examples include:

    The incorrect way to say it The correct way to say it
    “You aren’t listening to what I say” “I feel like you aren’t hearing what I’m trying to say”
    “You don’t care about my opinions” “This is making me upset because I feel like my opinions aren’t acknowledged”
    “This is unfair, you’re wrong” “What you said made me angry because I feel like this is unfair”
    “You were wrong, and you shouldn’t have done that!” “What you did really upset me”
    “Have you lost your mind? I didn’t do that, you’re making it up!” “I understand how you feel, but I honestly did not do that”
    “I have no idea what you’re talking about right now” “I’m not quite sure what you mean, but I’m listening to you”

    Avoid retaliating

    If you stay level-headed without retaliating, the fire will smolder because you aren’t further provoking the other person. If someone is shouting, do your best to stay centered, but don’t play their games.

    Avoid becoming dismissive, belittling, or manipulative when you’re in an argument. Emphasize that you want to resolve the argument by understanding their needs. Show them that you are committed to resolving the situation. If you demonstrate that you can work on your issues, then they will likely make the effort too.

    Don’t engage

    It takes two people to fuel destructive arguments because they’re essentially games of tennis. You can’t play the game if the other person isn’t hitting the ball back.

    If the other person is blinded by emotion and will not see your stance on the situation, don’t try to force it across. It’s only going to aggravate them further. Likewise, if you feel your boundaries are being crossed, it’s best to assert your position and revisit the conflict at a later point.

    Make it clear that you are only willing to discuss the problem if it’s done civilly.

    Resolving the argument

    Friends

    After the peak of the argument, you should notice a tangible change in the energy. There will be a sense of calm, but it’s not over yet.

    Even after an argument has died down, there may still be open wounds. This is why resolving the argument is necessary as it acts as closure and prevents similar arguments from occurring.

    Here’s what to do once an argument has died down to patch up the wound, heal, and grow from it.

    Reflecting

    Self-observation is needed to look into yourself and pull out the rotten gears. Unless you reflect on everything that was said (and everything you did), the issue will continue repeating itself.

    Don’t just bat away everything that was mentioned, otherwise, you’re back to square one. They have illuminated things that you can improve upon. Believe it or not, they are doing you a service by bringing your attention to it, so you can better yourself.

    Acknowledge what they have said and start taking steps to implement changes to avoid causing friction in the future.

    I’m not saying all the responsibility falls on you because it’s a two-way street. However, it is your responsibility to do what’s within your control. That means working on yourself.

    Debriefing

    After the fire has been extinguished and both parties have been given space to breathe, it’s important to debrief. Unresolved arguments leave a foul odor that needs to be dealt with. If you let that odor sit, it will potentially lead to more arguments down the track.

    This is why there needs to be a conclusion. It’s important to debrief after the dust has settled. This provides a window to wring out any remaining negative energy and turn the page.

    Apologize if you were in the wrong. Apologizing is especially necessary if you said some nasty things or hurt the other person. I usually revisit the discussion by compassionately saying something along the lines of:

    ‘I’m sorry about the argument yesterday, do you want to talk about it?’

    or

    ‘I was reflecting on our argument, and I see your point on _______. Is there anything else you want to say?’

    Ask the person if they want to discuss anything else. Set time aside to make sure the issue has been completely ironed out.

    It’s a learning process

    I hope this information will help you smooth over future conflicts, and take a more productive approach.

    Learning how to navigate people effectively is a learning curve. You will continue to get into arguments, and sometimes your ego will get the best of you. However, make sure you’re always doing your best to resolve these conflicts in the best possible way.

    For my personal story about resolving a recurring conflict by embodying the higher self, visit:

    https://tinybuddha.com/blog/making-big-decisions-what-would-your-higher-self-do/

  • How to Overcome Neediness And End Codependency in a Relationship

    How to Overcome Neediness And End Codependency in a Relationship

    Neediness is a killer. It skews the power balance of relationships – And often dismantles them. Even though the intentions are usually not nefarious, neediness is a harmful habit that needs to go.

    Neediness in a relationship is never a good look because your partner wants to be with an independent person. Your partner does not want to mother you, or father you. They want a leader who is competent, capable – And desirable.

    If you feel like you’re starting to cling on, first I need to commend the self-awareness. With that said, it’s time to empower yourself to become the leader your partner wants.

    This article isn’t about how you can change someone else. It’s about how you can change to create more fulfilling relationships.

    Cultivate awareness of over-attachment

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    Giving your partner more freedom when they’re with you will help you maintain a more fulfilling relationship.

    Showing your partner love and affection, but also space signals that you’re secure in yourself. If you’re clinging to your partner, It shows them openly that you are not worthy of their time – So you need to take as much as you can. You’re signaling that you’re below them, otherwise you would value your own space more.

    The result: Your partner will eventually lose attraction towards you and seek out an equal. This is why it’s important to recognize when you’re becoming overattached – So you can empower yourself to become magnetic rather than repulsive.

    Why are you needy?

    People become needy when they don’t feel worthy. It comes from a state of insecurity, not a state of power or love. To get to the roots of neediness, read the article below:

    For the most part, people aren’t aware that they’re being needy towards their partner. Awareness is a corridor to results.

    The quality of your interpersonal relationships is determined by how you navigate them. You won’t attract a desirable partner until you become one yourself.

    When strive to become the best person you can be, and the leader that you should be, you will have more fulfilling relationships where everyone feels good.

    Identifying toxic patterns in past relationships

    To identify when you’re becoming over-attached, it’s important to identify whether it’s a reoccurring pattern in your life.

    If needy behavior is a common trend in your relationships, it tells you that it’s probably an unhealed trauma that’s causing it. If it’s something new, then it’s important to look at why you’re developing this behavior, what’s triggering it, and how you can resolve it.

    Learn more about identifying reoccurring patterns in your life by following the link below:

    When you identify where you’re going wrong, that’s when you can begin looking for solutions. Think about the following points.

      • What toxic patterns have been prevalent in many of your relationships? Do they continue today?
      • Think about how much you need to be around your partner. Do you smother your partner or give them space?
      • Do you try to control or manipulate your partner?
      • Do you tend to get angry or frustrated when your partner wants some space?
      • Are you constantly wondering where your partner is, calling them, waiting for them to call you?
      • Do you get anxious or nervous when you are not around your partner?
      • When your partner doesn’t call or check-in, do you get worried about them?
      • Do you find that you regularly need your partner’s guidance and support, even for little things?
      • Are you regularly looking for affirmation, affection, and reassurance from your partner?
      • Do you try to control your partner’s actions?
      • Do you find that it’s usually you seeking out your partner, or them coming to you?
      • Think about your partner’s mannerisms, attitudes, and behaviors when around you. Does your partner genuinely enjoy you being around, or is it making them uncomfortable?
      • Does your partner look for excuses to get away from you?
      • Do you get upset or jealous when your partner sees their friends?
      • Do you often make your partner feel guilty for not being with you?

    Address your insecurities

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    People don’t necessarily intend to be needy. This sort of behavior is a manifestation of their insecurities. If you find yourself clinging to relationships or obsessing over someone, you need to ask yourself why you feel this way.

    Try to accept yourself for who you are and stop judging yourself. Understand that it’s okay to be alone, to let people go, to go your own way. Part of life’s adventure is in being separate.

    Often, people cling to someone because they feel that this person is the best they can get. They are afraid of losing them and feeling worthless.

    By latching onto people, you might think this behavior will convince them to stay with you, but it has the opposite effect.

    Work on your self-esteem issues

    To overcome neediness, work on your self-esteem, and learn to see yourself as a worthy individual. A reason why you’re latching onto your significant other could be due to your poor view of yourself. If you see yourself as unworthy, you’re going to try and hold onto what you have instead of striving for something better.

    Learn to see yourself as a desirable person. By improving your self-image, you won’t need to cling to anyone anymore, because you value yourself. Try to build a mentality that people are free to come and go from your life. If they stay around, you know that it’s because they genuinely want to, and not because they ‘have’ to.

    Once you learn to value yourself, while feeling confident and secure, other people will value you too because emotions are contagious. When you give people complete freedom in a relationship, it shows strength and integrity. These are values that you do want to be associated with, and if anything, these values will make people more attracted to you.

    7 tips to overcome neediness

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    Now that we’ve touched on why you may feel over-attached to your partner, let’s look at some shifts you can make to empower yourself. There’s suggestions are here to help you become the anchor of your own life, instead of relying on someone else.

    Put your partner’s needs before your own

    Take care of your partner and see them as an individual who also has needs and wants. A relationship is no place to be self-centered. If you are a decent person who wants the best for your partner, you’re naturally going to give them space.

    Have some emotional intelligence and make sure that you regard their feelings and emotions. Love is about service, to serve each other. If you’re only taking from the relationship without considering your partner’s needs, you need to ask yourself, is it love, or dependency?

    If you truly care about them, then you will let them do what’s in their best interests, even if you’re not. That’s being integral and honorable. Always be an integral person who recognizes the needs and desires of every person you date. Once you become possessive, you have already lost.

    Understand all relationships as valuable lessons

    A lot of people drain their partners and try to squeeze as much as they can out of them. The mentality you must build is that you are a gift to everyone you build a connection with.

    To overcome neediness and dependency, come from a place of giving instead of taking, and watch your relationships blossom. If you see yourself as a positive force in people’s lives, you will gravitate to this standard.

    The quality of these people will only get better as long as you continue developing yourself and using every relationship as an opportunity to learn. Don’t settle for any person that comes into your life. Instead, use each relationship to learn from them and build yourself into a better person.

    Everyone who enters your life is there to teach you a lesson, as you will teach them too. Are you going to be a teacher of pain, trauma, and avoidance? Will you give people negative lessons so they know to avoid people like you in the future, or will you be a healing presence in their lives, and help them develop into better people?

    In a functional relationship, you’re helping your partner become a better person than you, and they should be doing the same. You are pushing each other forward out of mutual respect. Understanding that every relationship is loaded with lessons will help you overcome neediness, and embrace others with open arms.

    When you acknowledge that there are many people to help, and many people to learn from, you will see a whole world of people that are treasure chests of valuable information.

    Have a purpose outside of your relationship

    A relationship should not change your personal goals and dreams. You should always have a passion in life and a purpose outside of your relationship that you continually strive for. This is why it’s important to have dreams, ambitions, and goals that you are constantly working towards.

    Don’t center your entire life around your relationship or your partner. Your relationship should be a part of your life, but not the whole thing.

    When your relationship becomes your whole world and you have nothing going for you outside of it, naturally this will to lead to neediness. You need a core that is centered inside you, not inside someone else.

    A relationship should organically unfold and never be forced out of one’s own fear or insecurities. It shouldn’t be the cornerstone of your life, because relationships will come and go, but a life purpose will stay. By living your best life with or without a partner, you will stop over-prioritizing your relationship.

    A relationship does not deter self-responsibility or suspend any occurrences in your life. A partner in a relationship aids supports and encourages your growth, but will not fix anything. A strong relationship should be perceived as a bond where each counterpart is pushing the other person up.

    Both parties should develop feelings for each other naturally, which creates the foundation for a functional relationship. Until you reach that point and mutually develop stronger feelings for one another, don’t rush it. It’s not a race. Do your own things, follow your calling, and prioritize your life’s purpose over a relationship.

    Build a mentality of abundance

    When you open yourself up to the world of relationships, you start to see a stream of people entering and leaving your life. Relationships are fleeting, and not everyone will stay in your life. Many different people will come and go, and you should encourage it.

    You must build a mentality of abundance. Realize that people will continue flowing into your life as long as you’re open, receptive, and following a higher purpose. Some relationships will move on quickly. Others might stay for a while. Some people will want your complete devotion, and that’s only natural.

    Think about celebrities and figures with high status. They know that they can get as many dates as they want. They usually don’t need to hang onto something, because there’s an endless supply of high-quality people that want to be a part of their lives. These people are abundant, and this is what makes them magnetic.

    This is the mentality that you need to adopt. If you don’t have self-love or see yourself as a catch who is abundant in relationships, you need to do more work on yourself. It’s important to perceive yourself as a person who is desired and realize that more relationships will continue flowing into your life.

    If you see yourself as a desirable person who people want to date, it becomes much easier to let go of what you have. Indulging in a diverse and active romantic life can be a very fun experience. If you have this mentality, you don’t need to grasp so tightly what you have, because you know that so much more of it is coming.

    Give your partner freedom

    Overcome neediness by giving your partner freedom within the relationship. A person won’t want to be around you if they don’t feel free. It’s your responsibility to give every partner you have, the freedom they deserve. It’s their life, and they can do whatever they please with it.

    Some people become hostile or resentful after parting ways. Others will try to lure the better half back into captivity through manipulation, narcissism, and by using every dirty trick in the book. Don’t play games with them. When someone leaves, have the dignity to let them go. Give them the freedom that they deserve, and this will make you more appealing than most people.

    Once they see that you will let them go humbly and gracefully, some people will almost be shocked. They will not be used to having a man or woman who isn’t trying to trap them. When you give people freedom in a relationship, this makes it much more functional.

    Instead of feeling pressured to be around you, let them freely choose to be around you or not. If you end up going different ways, you can stay in contact and remain as a connection, because they’re not trying to escape from you. If they choose to stay with you, then you know that they genuinely want to be there.

    Cultivate trust with your partner

    Trust is a big factor in neediness and possessive behavior. If you want to overcome neediness, you need to learn to trust your partner. When neediness comes from your insecurities, you will project it onto your partner. You will not trust them, you may believe that they will lie, cheat, or leave you if you let them out of your sight.

    Of course, distrust will only damage your relationship further. If you really care about the person, and they care about you too, you will be able to trust one another. If your partner wants to be with you, they’re not going to play around. If they do and you can’t trust them, then why are you with them in the first place? Go find someone that you can trust.

    Let go and move on, even if it hurts

    It’s in your best interest to let people go when the time comes. Sure, you should treat everyone well and create a healing space for them while they are with you, but know when it’s time to part ways. Be respectful and considerate, part on good terms, and wish them well.

    I’m not saying that it’s easy. After all, if you cherish the memories with a person, it’s only normal to feel pain at first. But sometimes when you feel someone drifting away from you, it’s best to let them go with dignity instead of spoiling the memories. The more you date and the more people you see, the easier it will become to let go.

    Not everyone will stay in your life forever, but it’s your job to leave a positive impact on everyone that you build a connection with. This should be your intention with everyone. Your goal should be to bring some joy and positivity to everyone that you build a connection with.

    Sometimes, a relationship might leave amazing memories. But part of being a mature adult is letting people go when the time comes. Life goes on for us all, and that’s the reality of it. If they can leave the relationship as a better person than they were coming into it, you have succeeded.