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It is said that an animal experiencing the neuro-equivalent of shame, is more likely to be put on the edge of the herd and thus be more vulnerable to being attacked by the wild animals, keeping the others safe. It is sacrificed for the sake of the healthier herd members.
Similarly, with we humans, one of our greatest fears is being cast out of our โtribeโ โ our families, societies and communities. Traditionally this meant isolation, humiliation and usually death. This has such a powerful, primal grip on us that we will do just about anything to keep that inclusion; we will trade much to maintain that sense of security of being part of our โtribeโ.
When an individual has a heavy dose of โcore shameโ they harbour an even greater fear of being perceived as unworthy and, thus, vulnerable to being cast out. This primal fear contributes to why core shame has such an uncomfortable visceral feel to it, propelling us to do much to cover it over and distract ourselves from it.
The origins of core shame
No baby is born with shame; it is instilled later, though likely we all bring in our different predilections to this dynamic.
During our very impressionable formative years, the messages conveyed by our early caregivers are incorporated into the self. We do not know who we are until it is reflected back to us, and our developing self-assessment can be very challenging if that reflection is not positive. Family and ancestral influences will also have a significant bearing on oneโs susceptibility to shame.
When we are little and relatively egocentric, any significant trauma experienced related to the behavior of others is often interpreted as being our fault. Something is wrong with us.
This natural inclination for the young infant or child to blame themselves, rather than their caregivers, is because awareness of the significant faults of the caregivers, upon whom they are so reliant for their survival, is perceived as life-threatening and is too potent a stress for the helpless young one to endure.
So, the blame goes inwards, regardless of the circumstances, and this can develop into core shame. A survival ploy in the short term but very destructive to the individual in the long term.
If one is deemed the black sheep, the one designated as odd, different, or flawed within their family or other significant groups, and the one upon whom the other members project out their own unaddressed and unowned aspects and issues, they might be more susceptible to experiencing โcore shameโ.
In later life, if this remains unhealed, this dynamic can contribute to becoming the obsequious people pleaser or the renegade rebel.
If the messages received are consistently harsh and not of love and kindness, that external voice becomes the internal voice and can insidiously develop into the critical, over-bearing superego. The โsuperegoโ (a term coined by Austrian neurologist and founder of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud) incorporates the morals and values of family and society that are learned during the early, formative years of life. Aided by punishment or approval, the child internalizes these values.
The superego defines who we are, or rather, who we should be and, particularly, how we might be falling short of that ideal.
Core shame and the 'superego'
The superego is designed to safeguard our survival and belonging; however, it can easily become over-zealous in its role and become the harsh tyrant rather than the protector.
In adult life, it can become that controlling, critical voice that prevents the expansion of the individual beyond the sometimes suffocating confines of societal norms. This can become very destructive to individuation and growth in adulthood. It is very difficult to expand and express our true selves when we are dominated by shame.
Whereas guilt is regret for what one has done, core shame is a feeling of inherent wrongness of the very self. Core shame can be utterly overwhelming and life can become an ongoing hiding of, and apology for, the self. Essentially it is a rejection of the self or of aspects that are deemed unacceptable and this can cause a split in the psyche.
When our being is permeated with shame, we often apologize for who we are, for our very existence. We cast ourselves lower than others, inviting more shame.
Underlying this are core beliefs such as โI am not enoughโ, โI will not be accepted as I amโ and so on. As one cannot get away from the self, often this sense of inherent wrongness is suppressed and various distractions and addictions might be employed to dim oneโs awareness of it.
How core shame leads to perfectionism
This fear of rejection from society, usually unconscious, might have one try hard to mold themself into what they believe is an acceptable version that might maintain their belonging. If we have a deep sense of shame, we might endeavor to compensate in an attempt to display our โworthโ to society.
This is where โperfectionismโ (distinct from just wanting to do things well) comes in, where we raise the bar to a humanly impossible level in an endeavor to compensate for that sense of being flawed within. The bar is often set to an unachievable level, thus inviting more of a sense of failure and inadequacy โ and thus, more shame.
Our achievement-oriented, look-at-me society, which values what we do and own and how we look, rather than our essential being, drives this dynamic.
Often that sense of shame propels one to become the over-responsible adult as compensation for an inner sense of inadequacy. The over-responsible adult, as opposed to the mature, appropriately responsible adult, will have one feel very over-burdened by responsibilities that they feel they really cannot live up to.
Associated with this is often the seeking of approval and acknowledgment from others, which further diminishes personal power.
Self-punishment as a compensation for core shame
Guilt and shame call for punishment and one might choose to punish oneself as a trade-off for being punished by others.
This pattern, aided by a significant sense of unworthiness and low self-esteem, becomes a vicious cycle of unconsciously sabotaging oneโs success and happiness. Associated with this is a profound lack of entitlement. This, of course, is all an unconscious process. No one is consciously trying to punish themselves (or very few!).
Our self-judgements will have us push away the parts of ourselves that we are judging. Rejecting those parts will never bring about resolution but rather relegate them to the shadow, from where they continue their deleterious effects. Alternatively, we will project our un-owned parts onto others and life itself.
Most of us visit these levels at times of course but experiencing them as temporary mental/emotional states is very different from them being an enduring โstate of beingโ – to which one has long ago become consciously, or more so unconsciously, identified with.
When those self-defeating states remain entrenched, they build upon themselves and potentially attract all sorts of โenergiesโ that enhance them and strengthen their grip.
The human psyche, particularly when in a vulnerable state, can be subject to unhealthy influences and one needs to have some awareness and vigilance regarding this process.
Why core shame affects your health
Sustained shame is not good for oneโs health; in fact, it is illness-inducing. Research has indicated that shame, particularly, induces a rise in inflammatory markers (IL-6, TNF alpha), compared to general affective states, including guilt.
We know that chronic inflammation is associated with just about any chronic disease state known to mankind, as well as with depression. Though most of us might dip into shame at times, it is detrimental, physically and psychologically, when embedded.
The good news is that studies have also demonstrated that when emotional expression is associated with cognitive processing of the experience, it can lead to positive immunological effects, i.e., when we can examine, process, and integrate our shame, it will have fewer harmful effects.
Studies have also shown that cultures that have more acceptance of these emotions, they will less likely have deleterious outcomes.
Is there an antidote to core shame?
So, what is the antidote to shame? How do we integrate and heal it?
It starts with facing and acknowledging the problem. We cannot deal with what we do not acknowledge.
This involves recognizing the associated mental/emotional/behavioral patterns such as perfectionism, over-responsibility, avoidance, critical inner voice, chronic tension, lack of personal well-being, ill-health, and so on, and knowing that all of these traits are our beingโs way of trying to cope with or compensate for that deep sense of shame.
Self-compassion is the quality to employ in addressing oneโs core shame.
Compassion is solution-oriented and worlds away from pity, which is disempowering and looks down upon the subject of its gaze. Studies have also demonstrated that self-compassion will reduce inflammatory biomarkers such as IL-6, thus protective against stress-induced inflammation and inflammation-related disease.
When (so-called) negative emotions are considered, in their temporary state, to be acceptable and a part of normal life (i.e., nothing to be ashamed of), they will have fewer adverse effects.
Acceptance, rather than denial, suppression, or the covering over or projecting out of negative emotions, invites a healthier outcome. Acceptance does not preclude efforts to change them; in fact, the paradox is that acceptance is the point of change.
Using intention to turn the ship around
Of course, When negative emotions, such as shame, are entrenched as a way of being, it might take some considerable intention and determination to bring them out of the shadows to a place of integration and healing.
We do need to be firm with the critical, judging, and rejecting parts of ourselves but in a compassionate way. We need to enfold the rejected parts into the whole, ideally with some awareness that this whole dynamic comes from a wounded place, often started in early childhood, and is maintained out of a redundant survival habit.
With healthy assertion and enough determination and energy, we need to put a firm hand up to the self-critical, over-demanding shame-inspired inner voice. We need to say a firm โNo!โ to the mental games. Here we need to be careful that the critical superego is not employed in this process as it will just be furthering what we are trying to be rid of.
As we are essentially energetic beings, via electromagnetics we are all broadcasting our inner state, positive or negative; and others will pick up on this energy and respond accordingly. And when we can say a firm โNo!โ to the criticism and demands of our own superego, we can also better assert ourselves with others.
When we learn to turn compassion, healthy acceptance and respect towards ourselves, we will also invite the same, without need, from others.
Shame is a heavy, dense state, so bringing some lightness into the fray is helpful. Recognizing its subtle and not-so-subtle whispers and countering them with more self-affirming and uplifting messages can divert that energy before it takes hold. This must become a discipline and a healthy habit.
Dissolving core shame with awareness
Awareness and a mindfulness approach is the key. If the whole dynamic remains in the shadows, we continue to be controlled by its unconscious positioning.
Its grip will loosen (tenacious though it is!) by laying it on the table to consciously observe it. We use the โobserver selfโ to observe, with compassion, the mental and emotional antics of the ego self and firmly and persistently put a stop to this aspect of our psycheโs critical control.
If we have an unconscious ego identity with the program, we are less likely to relinquish it as that would be like annihilating the very self. We are less controlled by what we can objectively examine and not identify with.
Acceptance of those aspects of ourselves that we do not celebrate is one of the biggest challenges. When we hone that mature, wiser observer-self, it can entrain those more immature, self-defeating aspects to itself. Like the kindly, though firm parent, it unconditionally accepts and guides those more aberrant aspects and knows to call out when enough is enough.
Essentially, resolving the core shame is a journey of self-love and self-empowerment. This is very different to self-absorption, which is more likely to be the case when one is in the grips of core shame. Forgiving our humanness, while intending healthier, more life-affirming states, is clearly beneficial.
Specific or in-depth therapies are beyond the scope of this article and it is advised that anyone who is struggling in this or similar areas gets appropriate professional help. Some people might need guidance in dealing specifically with related past, unresolved traumas.
3 comments
Thank you ?
My avoidance of social interaction with and even simple smiles at apparently interested females, especially during my youth and early adulthood, was undoubtedly misperceived as snobbery. The very bitter irony was that I, while clearly finding most of those females attractive, was actually feeling the opposite of conceit or even healthy self-image and -esteem. โฆ
In his informative book SHAME: Free Yourself, Find Joy and Build True Self-Esteem [pgs. 47-48] โ which involves the various forms/degrees of shame, including the especially emotionally/mentally crippling life curse known as โcore shameโ โ Dr. Joseph Burgo writes:
โWhen brain development goes awry, the baby senses on the deepest level of his being that something is terribly wrong โ with his world and with himself. As the psychoanalyst James Grotstein has described it, โThese damaged children seem to sense that there is something neurodevelopmentally wrong with them, and they feel a deep sense of shame about themselves as a result.โ
โThroughout my work I have referred to this experience as โcore shame.โ It is both intense and global. Under conditions that depart widely from the norm, shame also becomes structural, an integral part of developing childโs felt self. Rather than feeling beautiful and worthy of love, these children come to feel defective, ugly, broken, and unlovable.โ
I exist daily with a formidable combination of adverse childhood experience trauma, autism spectrum disorder and high sensitivity, the ACE trauma in large part being due to my ASD and high sensitivity. [I self-deprecatingly refer to it as my perfect storm of train wrecks.]
Coexisting with and seriously complicating this vicious combination is the abovementioned โcore shameโ.
While my father had an ASD about which he wasn’t formally aware, I believe that my mother had suffered a nervous breakdowns and perhaps even postpartum depression around the time I was born. If so, it likely would have excluded shared/joyful interaction with me as an infant.
It all would help explain why I have always felt oddly uncomfortable sharing my accomplishments with others, including those closest to me. And maybe explain my otherwise inexplicable almost-painful inability to accept compliments, which I had always attributed to extreme modesty.
Dr. Burgoโs โcore shameโ concept could help explain why Iโve also inexplicably yet consistently felt unlovable. Largely due to ASD traits that rubbed against the grain of social normality thus clearly unappreciated by others, my unlikability was for me confirmed.
While I donโt know the precise/entire cause-and-effect of my chronic anxiety and clinical depression, my daily cerebral turmoil mostly consists of a formidable combination of adverse childhood experience trauma, autism spectrum disorder and high sensitivity, with the ACE trauma in large part the result of my ASD and high sensitivity. I self-deprecatingly refer to it as my perfect storm of train wrecks.
More recently, Iโve discovered yet another and perhaps even more consequential coexistent psychological condition โ โcore shameโ โ thatโs seriously complicating an already bad and borderline bearable cerebral-disorder combination.
A core shame diagnosis would help explain why, among its other debilitating traits, Iโve always felt oddly uncomfortable sharing my accomplishments with others, including those closest to me. And maybe explain my otherwise inexplicable almost-painful inability to accept compliments, which I had always attributed to extreme modesty.
It would also help explain why I have consistently felt unlovable. Largely due to ASD traits that rubbed against the grain of social normality thus were clearly unappreciated by others, my unlikability was for me confirmed. My avoidance of social interaction and even simple smiles at seemingly-interested females was undoubtedly misperceived as snobbery. The bitter irony was that I was actually feeling the opposite of conceit or even healthy self-image/-esteem. โฆ
Such coexistent conditions, or multiple-train-wreck perfect storms, are real and cause great suffering. ACE abuse thus trauma, for example, is often inflicted upon ASD and/or highly sensitive children and teens by their normal or โneurotypicalโ peersโโโthus resulting in immense and even debilitating self-hatred and shameโโโso why not at least acknowledge that consequential fact in a meaningfully constructive way?
Therefore, it would be very helpful to people like me to have books written about such or similar coexistent cerebrally-based conditions. โฆ As it currently is, The Autistic Brain fails to mention the real potential for additional challenges created by an autism spectrum disorder coexisting with thus exacerbated by high sensitivity and/or adverse childhood experience trauma.
The book Childhood Disrupted: How Your Biography Becomes Your Biology and How You Can Heal, on adverse childhood experience trauma, fails to mention high sensitivity or ASD. That was followed by The Highly Sensitive Man, with no mention of ASD or ACE trauma.
Lastly, Dr. Joseph Burgoโs book Shame: Free Yourself, Find Joy and Build True Self-Esteem โ on the various forms/degrees of shame, including the especially emotionally/mentally crippling โcore shameโ life curse โ is quite revelatory. It, however, mentions little or nothing about ASD, ACE trauma or high sensitivity, let alone includes any of them as potentially complicating conditions that can coexistent with and even be exacerbated by core shame.
My problem: I donโt know whether my additional, coexisting conditions will render the information and/or assigned exercises from each [not cheap] book useless, or close to it, in my efforts to live less miserably. While many/most people in my shoes would work with the books nonetheless, I cannot; I simply need to know if Iโm wasting my time and, most importantly, mental efforts.