Category: Clearing Trauma

Clearing trauma teaches you how to process and heal from painful events in your life. By learning how to process trauma quickly and effectively, you’re making space for a better life experience. This allows you can enjoy the full expression of life without a tainted view of reality.

Ancestral Trauma: Healing the Ancestral Shadows
Healing can be a puzzling journey because there is so much ambiguity surrounding the topic. Trauma, wounds, energies, and even entities can play a role. But to add another layer of complication, did you know that trauma also runs through your bloodline?

Generally speaking, we really know nothing of our ancestry’s influence, or just how much of a role it plays in each individual. There’s a whole lot more than genes that pass through your family tree. From the common hereditary illnesses we acknowledge today, to the more discrete manifestations of trauma such as core shame or self-esteem issues.

But trauma aside, even seemingly unrelated phenomena are rooted in your ancestry. Although we can overturn the tide, your ancestry determines what characteristics you have, how easily you can make money, what spiritual gifts may come naturally to you, or how efficiently you can help other people.

That’s because a lineage is a channel of energy. Each channel is unique, and it picks up the experiences of its descendants while passing through. This is why you can have something like abandonment issues without any clear cause, because unknowingly your great grandad was left at the altar. You may have a general distrust of people because someone up the line was betrayed by their platoon.

Your ancestry has a huge influence over who you are, and what experiences you attract into your life. Maybe you’re aware of how ancestral energies make their way down the chain, maybe this is an entirely new concept to you. Regardless, we’re going to dig into this phenomena now.

Understanding ancestry: The energetic blueprint of a lineage

Ancestral trauma is something that has been a focus of my attention for a while now. While digging into the roots of how we’re all energetically connected, the topic of our ancestry keeps popping up to tie up all the loose pieces.

Now I’m no expert on the topic, but the more I learn about ancestral trauma, the more it starts to click. Whether we’re talking about the impact that ancestry has on each individual’s makeup or the challenges they’re likely to encounter in this lifetime. We are all born into particular pipelines of energy that have a significant influence on each person’s life experience.

This isn’t to say that we don’t have free will, because we do. Anyone can carve out whatever life they desire, but we’re born with a set of advantages and disadvantages depending on the lineages we incarnate into. All things are energetic, so it’s not farfetched to believe we carry ancestral energies that attract resonating experiences.

The influence of ancestry

As each individual has their own energetic ecosystem, each human collective experiences a shared energetic ecosystem too. Look at the collective of humanity as one energetic umbrella, and then different lineages as separate umbrellas within the universal umbrella.

Ancestries have their own karmic pools that are shared between the individuals of each collective. Being born into a particular ancestry means that you take on that ancestral karma, as you take on many of the experiences that are unique to that particular ancestry. Likewise, the ancestry that you incarnate into is dependent on the soul contract you made to incarnate into that ancestry.

Belonging to any ancestry has pros and cons as each lineage has certain characteristics, traits, and karmic footprints. Look at this as part of the homework your soul chose for this lifetime, being the lessons you’ll experience and the challenges you’ll be faced with.

Someone with a Saudi Arabian royal bloodline is going to have a very different experience from a descendant of an Amazonian medicine tribe. One might naturally gravitate towards influence and wealth, while the other may naturally gravitate towards shamanism, regardless of the time, culture, or demographic they are born into.

Each ancestry has a different collective energy which translates into things like their society, culture, and what sort of player that bloodline becomes on the world stage.

Why your ancestry matters

Today the world has vastly changed, and many people are a mixture of different lineages. In a way, each ancestral energy has become diluted with other ancestral energies. If you have a small percentage of ancestry from a particular aboriginal tribe in Australia, those energies still affect you, but they are likely overpowered by your more dominant bloodline.

Some bloodlines will be natural healers, and in the modern age, the souls born into that ancestry tend to gravitate towards careers where they help others. Some lineages will be more inventive, or more adventurous, or tend to become influential people who have a lot of social status. Some lineages will be natural mediums, or perhaps work with certain energies and spirits.

Even though we are all individuals, ancestries on the world stage act like single organisms. If you imagine the world as a schoolyard, lineages are like the students. By realizing what sort of student your collective is, you can utilize your strengths and better navigate this world.

Although external influences such as your immediate family and the culture you were raised in play a huge role in your life, we tend to underestimate how much of an influence our ancestry has over the experiences we manifest.

This is why it’s important to know your ancestry because many of the things that you experience in life are related to your ancestry.
Understanding ancestral trauma and collective wounds

As we are all connected on an energetic level, this means that the trauma experienced throughout humanity is also shared amongst humanity. If the collective is a body, events like genocides are the act of wounding this body that we collectively share.

On some level, all of humanity feels the major events. But when a major event is isolated to a particular lineage, everyone who is a part of that lineage will be deeply affected. These wounds will manifest in different ways amongst all the descendants of that lineage until the wound has been healed by the descendants.

This collective trauma manifests in different ways. We might not notice a direct cause and effect between what we experience and what happened to our ancestors, but it probably explains why humanity as a whole has so many issues. That’s because we have deeply wounded ourselves, and we have a lot of ancestral trauma to heal.

The manifestation of this trauma may emerge in depression rates, anxiety, domestic violence, murder, rape, and so forth. As I explain in the articles linked below, trauma leeks out in other forms via manifestations. This works on a collective scale too.

The ancestral shadow of the world’s indigenous

Let’s look at the world’s indigenous as an example of ancestral trauma.

In most cases, colonization crippled the indigenous beyond repair. Even though most of the world’s indigenous still have difficulties for obvious reasons, there is also a lot of ancestral trauma that adds insult to injury. This ancestral trauma runs extremely deep, especially in areas where the indigenous were mostly wiped out or enslaved.

Slowly around the world, we are starting to see a resurgence of indigenous and their culture within the framework of Western civilization. More people are taking an interest in traditions such as ceremonies, their healing modalities, philosophies, and cultural values that were buried long ago.

Many of the world’s indigenous are healing, so the projection of the collective consciousness is reflecting it. As healing continues to be done, indigenous culture will become more prominent, as will their values and traditions.

Modern manifestations of ancestral trauma

The African Slave trade was a big part of the world at one point. Many nations participated in this practice, and because of that, many lineages were deeply wounded. Since this ancestral trauma has never been fully healed, there are still wounds that anyone who shares this ancestry has.

Besides other social and historical influences that are still at play, poverty rates are high for African descendants in general, in most countries. Likewise, generally, there are more cases of substance abuse and violence compared to other ethnicities. This isn’t because of the culture or people themselves, or necessarily because they’re still discriminated against. It’s because there’s a gaping unhealed wound within the ancestral energy.

This phenomenon occurs because the historic events that targeted these ethnicities left deep wounds that still haven’t fully healed. So these wounds manifest in other forms throughout the collective ancestry. They will continue to be regardless of any interventions because the wound is still there. Slapping on a Band-Aid won’t do much good.

Of course, this is just one example. There is also deep ancestral trauma of the Jewish people from World War 2, and of Cambodians who suffered at the hands of the Khmer Rouge. The descendants carry this trauma, and it affects them one way or another.

Collective healing

When you heal yourself, you’re also healing the collective. Even though humanity has a lot of collective trauma, we have also done a lot of healing. So let’s give ourselves some credit.

Every person who has practiced shadow work is vicariously working on the collective too. Every ceremony is also healing the collective. Every form of spiritual healing, meditation, and breathwork is again… healing the collective.

Of course, there’s a lot of trauma that needs to be healed (and there’s always more trauma occurring), so it’s going to take humanity a while, but we are moving the needle in the right direction. As long as we continue healing ourselves and helping other people, we are making a dint in the collective, and the collective will reflect it.

With that said, the more people who make healing a priority, the better the world becomes. Healing yourself is a selfless act because you’re doing your part for the collective. As the collective heals, everyone within the collective vicariously benefits from that healing.
Addressing generational trauma

The unresolved issues that your parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents faced were likely passed down the bloodline.

If someone up the line had heavy trauma that they never dealt with, guess what? That trauma will be passed on to their kids. If those kids never end up dealing with those issues, they too will pass that trauma down the chain to their kids (along with their own trauma).

Therefore, when it comes to generational trauma, there is an accumulation effect. What you experience as a result of these unhealed traumas might not be a direct effect, but there will be a related manifestation. This is a big reason why so many people seem to have so many issues without any clear cause. You’re probably no exception.

This doesn’t mean you should play the blame game because that doesn’t help. The older generations weren’t very aware of healing, or the importance of it. For the most part, there was a very different cultural mentality, which was to suck it up and get on with it. Maybe this coping mechanism worked, but it often left the wound unhealed, which means it passed on to the next generation.

So let’s look at how generational trauma might translate into the younger generations.

If someone died in labor, this might translate into fertility issues in her offspring. If your grandfather lived with severe PTSD, you might have an addictive personality (coping) or anxiety due to this unhealed trauma. If each consecutive generation seems to be more messed up than the previous, it’s because they’re carrying our burden.

Not to say that you shouldn’t take accountability for your issues, because you absolutely should. But it’s also important to work on the trauma that was passed down to you. That doesn’t seem fair right? In some ways, it’s not. But then again, you chose this life due to your karma, so you are experiencing it for a reason.

Problems never just go away. Not even through death. If you don’t deal with your wounds, then others will have to carry that burden.

Tracing your ancestral trauma

It’s important to learn about your ancestry, because issues that you experience may be connected to events that happened generations ago. For many of us, our ancestry is something that hides in the shadows. For the most part, we don’t care about it because we think it carries no significance in our lives today.

We don’t know what our great-grandparents went through, or what difficulties they faced. Most of us don’t know our heritage, or what lineages we’re descendants of. Because we don’t know what happened to our ancestors, we can’t trace our issues back, or find the root cause of them.

Everyone carries some sort of ancestral trauma because we all have long lines of ancestry. The more healing that every member of your family has done before you, the less ancestral trauma you’ll take on yourself. Maybe you’ll even have a clean slate, but if you’re like most, you will need to do some healing.

This is why it’s so important for us to all heal because together we all dip into the collective. If all of us focus on releasing the baggage we’re carrying, the future generations will benefit enormously.

If a family line has been healed, then there will no longer be illness within newer generations, full stop. There will be no genetic illness, no dementia, no disabilities of any kind. All these things are manifestations of unresolved trauma in the ancestry, so if the healing is done, future generations will have a clean slate coming into this world.

Breaking the chain

You must break this chain. Whether it’s a long line of alcoholism, depression, insomnia, paranoia… You are the chain breaker. You are on this planet to turn a leaf, to make a difference, to heal the past.

Even though this trauma was never you’re to take, it is your responsibility to work on it. If you spend your life swallowing your trauma and merely coping with it, that trauma will be passed on. But if you decide to do the healing, not just for yourself but for future generations, then you are making a difference.

We all have a lot of work to do because, for the most part, our ancestors are still very much wounded. But this is where the tide turns, with every one of us who decides to be a warrior of humanity. If we all just do a little healing, it makes a huge difference.
15 December 2023
What Is Core Shame And How Can You Heal It?

It is said that an animal experiencing the neuro-equivalent of shame, is more likely to be put on the edge of the herd and thus be more vulnerable to being attacked by the wild animals, keeping the others safe. It is sacrificed for the sake of the healthier herd members.

Similarly, with we humans, one of our greatest fears is being cast out of our ‘tribe’ – our families, societies and communities. Traditionally this meant isolation, humiliation and usually death. This has such a powerful, primal grip on us that we will do just about anything to keep that inclusion; we will trade much to maintain that sense of security of being part of our ‘tribe’.

When an individual has a heavy dose of ‘core shame’ they harbour an even greater fear of being perceived as unworthy and, thus, vulnerable to being cast out. This primal fear contributes to why core shame has such an uncomfortable visceral feel to it, propelling us to do much to cover it over and distract ourselves from it.

The origins of core shame

No baby is born with shame; it is instilled later, though likely we all bring in our different predilections to this dynamic.

During our very impressionable formative years, the messages conveyed by our early caregivers are incorporated into the self. We do not know who we are until it is reflected back to us, and our developing self-assessment can be very challenging if that reflection is not positive. Family and ancestral influences will also have a significant bearing on one’s susceptibility to shame.

When we are little and relatively egocentric, any significant trauma experienced related to the behavior of others is often interpreted as being our fault. Something is wrong with us.

This natural inclination for the young infant or child to blame themselves, rather than their caregivers, is because awareness of the significant faults of the caregivers, upon whom they are so reliant for their survival, is perceived as life-threatening and is too potent a stress for the helpless young one to endure.

So, the blame goes inwards, regardless of the circumstances, and this can develop into core shame. A survival ploy in the short term but very destructive to the individual in the long term.

If one is deemed the black sheep, the one designated as odd, different, or flawed within their family or other significant groups, and the one upon whom the other members project out their own unaddressed and unowned aspects and issues, they might be more susceptible to experiencing ‘core shame’.

In later life, if this remains unhealed, this dynamic can contribute to becoming the obsequious people pleaser or the renegade rebel.

If the messages received are consistently harsh and not of love and kindness, that external voice becomes the internal voice and can insidiously develop into the critical, over-bearing superego. The ‘superego’ (a term coined by Austrian neurologist and founder of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud) incorporates the morals and values of family and society that are learned during the early, formative years of life. Aided by punishment or approval, the child internalizes these values.

The superego defines who we are, or rather, who we should be and, particularly, how we might be falling short of that ideal.

Core shame and the ‘superego’

The superego is designed to safeguard our survival and belonging; however, it can easily become over-zealous in its role and become the harsh tyrant rather than the protector.

In adult life, it can become that controlling, critical voice that prevents the expansion of the individual beyond the sometimes suffocating confines of societal norms. This can become very destructive to individuation and growth in adulthood. It is very difficult to expand and express our true selves when we are dominated by shame.

Whereas guilt is regret for what one has done, core shame is a feeling of inherent wrongness of the very self. Core shame can be utterly overwhelming and life can become an ongoing hiding of, and apology for, the self. Essentially it is a rejection of the self or of aspects that are deemed unacceptable and this can cause a split in the psyche.

When our being is permeated with shame, we often apologize for who we are, for our very existence. We cast ourselves lower than others, inviting more shame.

Underlying this are core beliefs such as “I am not enough”, “I will not be accepted as I am” and so on. As one cannot get away from the self, often this sense of inherent wrongness is suppressed and various distractions and addictions might be employed to dim one’s awareness of it.

How core shame leads to perfectionism

This fear of rejection from society, usually unconscious, might have one try hard to mold themself into what they believe is an acceptable version that might maintain their belonging. If we have a deep sense of shame, we might endeavor to compensate in an attempt to display our ‘worth’ to society.

This is where ‘perfectionism’ (distinct from just wanting to do things well) comes in, where we raise the bar to a humanly impossible level in an endeavor to compensate for that sense of being flawed within. The bar is often set to an unachievable level, thus inviting more of a sense of failure and inadequacy – and thus, more shame.

Our achievement-oriented, look-at-me society, which values what we do and own and how we look, rather than our essential being, drives this dynamic.

Often that sense of shame propels one to become the over-responsible adult as compensation for an inner sense of inadequacy. The over-responsible adult, as opposed to the mature, appropriately responsible adult, will have one feel very over-burdened by responsibilities that they feel they really cannot live up to.

Associated with this is often the seeking of approval and acknowledgment from others, which further diminishes personal power.

Self-punishment as a compensation for core shame

Guilt and shame call for punishment and one might choose to punish oneself as a trade-off for being punished by others.

This pattern, aided by a significant sense of unworthiness and low self-esteem, becomes a vicious cycle of unconsciously sabotaging one’s success and happiness. Associated with this is a profound lack of entitlement. This, of course, is all an unconscious process. No one is consciously trying to punish themselves (or very few!).

Our self-judgements will have us push away the parts of ourselves that we are judging. Rejecting those parts will never bring about resolution but rather relegate them to the shadow, from where they continue their deleterious effects. Alternatively, we will project our un-owned parts onto others and life itself.

Most of us visit these levels at times of course but experiencing them as temporary mental/emotional states is very different from them being an enduring ‘state of being’ – to which one has long ago become consciously, or more so unconsciously, identified with.

When those self-defeating states remain entrenched, they build upon themselves and potentially attract all sorts of ‘energies’ that enhance them and strengthen their grip.

The human psyche, particularly when in a vulnerable state, can be subject to unhealthy influences and one needs to have some awareness and vigilance regarding this process.

Why core shame affects your health

Sustained shame is not good for one’s health; in fact, it is illness-inducing. Research has indicated that shame, particularly, induces a rise in inflammatory markers (IL-6, TNF alpha), compared to general affective states, including guilt.

We know that chronic inflammation is associated with just about any chronic disease state known to mankind, as well as with depression. Though most of us might dip into shame at times, it is detrimental, physically and psychologically, when embedded.

The good news is that studies have also demonstrated that when emotional expression is associated with cognitive processing of the experience, it can lead to positive immunological effects, i.e., when we can examine, process, and integrate our shame, it will have fewer harmful effects.

Studies have also shown that cultures that have more acceptance of these emotions, they will less likely have deleterious outcomes.

Is there an antidote to core shame?

So, what is the antidote to shame? How do we integrate and heal it?

It starts with facing and acknowledging the problem. We cannot deal with what we do not acknowledge.

This involves recognizing the associated mental/emotional/behavioral patterns such as perfectionism, over-responsibility, avoidance, critical inner voice, chronic tension, lack of personal well-being, ill-health, and so on, and knowing that all of these traits are our being’s way of trying to cope with or compensate for that deep sense of shame.

Self-compassion is the quality to employ in addressing one’s core shame.

Compassion is solution-oriented and worlds away from pity, which is disempowering and looks down upon the subject of its gaze. Studies have also demonstrated that self-compassion will reduce inflammatory biomarkers such as IL-6, thus protective against stress-induced inflammation and inflammation-related disease.

When (so-called) negative emotions are considered, in their temporary state, to be acceptable and a part of normal life (i.e., nothing to be ashamed of), they will have fewer adverse effects.

Acceptance, rather than denial, suppression, or the covering over or projecting out of negative emotions, invites a healthier outcome. Acceptance does not preclude efforts to change them; in fact, the paradox is that acceptance is the point of change.

Using intention to turn the ship around

Of course, When negative emotions, such as shame, are entrenched as a way of being, it might take some considerable intention and determination to bring them out of the shadows to a place of integration and healing.

We do need to be firm with the critical, judging, and rejecting parts of ourselves but in a compassionate way. We need to enfold the rejected parts into the whole, ideally with some awareness that this whole dynamic comes from a wounded place, often started in early childhood, and is maintained out of a redundant survival habit.

With healthy assertion and enough determination and energy, we need to put a firm hand up to the self-critical, over-demanding shame-inspired inner voice. We need to say a firm ‘No!’ to the mental games. Here we need to be careful that the critical superego is not employed in this process as it will just be furthering what we are trying to be rid of.

As we are essentially energetic beings, via electromagnetics we are all broadcasting our inner state, positive or negative; and others will pick up on this energy and respond accordingly. And when we can say a firm “No!” to the criticism and demands of our own superego, we can also better assert ourselves with others.

When we learn to turn compassion, healthy acceptance and respect towards ourselves, we will also invite the same, without need, from others.

Shame is a heavy, dense state, so bringing some lightness into the fray is helpful. Recognizing its subtle and not-so-subtle whispers and countering them with more self-affirming and uplifting messages can divert that energy before it takes hold. This must become a discipline and a healthy habit.

Dissolving core shame with awareness

Awareness and a mindfulness approach is the key. If the whole dynamic remains in the shadows, we continue to be controlled by its unconscious positioning.

Its grip will loosen (tenacious though it is!) by laying it on the table to consciously observe it. We use the ‘observer self’ to observe, with compassion, the mental and emotional antics of the ego self and firmly and persistently put a stop to this aspect of our psyche’s critical control.

If we have an unconscious ego identity with the program, we are less likely to relinquish it as that would be like annihilating the very self. We are less controlled by what we can objectively examine and not identify with.

Acceptance of those aspects of ourselves that we do not celebrate is one of the biggest challenges. When we hone that mature, wiser observer-self, it can entrain those more immature, self-defeating aspects to itself. Like the kindly, though firm parent, it unconditionally accepts and guides those more aberrant aspects and knows to call out when enough is enough.

Essentially, resolving the core shame is a journey of self-love and self-empowerment. This is very different to self-absorption, which is more likely to be the case when one is in the grips of core shame. Forgiving our humanness, while intending healthier, more life-affirming states, is clearly beneficial.

Specific or in-depth therapies are beyond the scope of this article and it is advised that anyone who is struggling in this or similar areas gets appropriate professional help. Some people might need guidance in dealing specifically with related past, unresolved traumas.

30 April 2022
Here’s How I Learned To Heal From Domestic Abuse

Most of us are not good at talking or writing about ourselves and our experiences. All I know is that we were designed to survive this world full of obstacles, chaos, shitstorms, whatever you want to call them. Our purpose in life is to experience something very extraordinary, may it be good or bad, and help people understand.

But how can a broken person share something inspiring?

Majority of the people nowadays, only want positivity. No one wants to hear about someone’s unfortunate events in life. Often, broken people are taken for granted and considered bad examples of this doomed society.

Little do they know that those they call broken were pumped with an enormous amount of courage and wisdom. They made their way out on their own when they were picked by the universe to be in situations an ordinary individual cannot deal with.

Their teachers were themselves.

Why am I writing this, anyway? I am an abuse survivor, and I’m writing this intending to give hope to those who are going through similar situations. I want to advise those who are going through something that they think they won’t survive.

My story of domestic abuse and violence

When I turned 16, I met the person I did not expect to create such a huge impact in my life. The person who was appointed by the universe to break me and change me.

Things were going so well until my partner introduced me to control and manipulation. I was so naïve, gullible, and vulnerable that I thought it was a good thing and just his way of showing how he cared about me.

He stopped me from doing what I love. I used to be an event singer and a radio jock, and I remember how he wouldn’t want me to be exposed to the crowd. I had to cancel gigs here and there due to his jealousy. My reputation was so ruined that I had to stop.

He broke my artwork and ruined everything that I became attached to. When someone gave me a gift, he made sure to throw it in the trash. Every avocation, talent, and hobby that I enjoyed, he made sure to spoil.

He started putting his hands on me. Being touched is meant to be a good thing. I was craving for caresses and gentleness, but all I had was monstrous hands landing on my body.

The touch of rage, I could say.

So he beat me, again and again. So much sometimes that I would be sent to the hospital. He would come with me to make sure I never said a peep. Life continued like this for years, and things only became more serious.

Realization is the first step in healing from abuse

My manipulation and abuse were the result of my actions, and no one was to blame for it besides myself. That’s because I chose to tolerate abuse over having self-respect. Toleration can be a dangerous thing.

Finally, I realized that this wasn’t the life I had been dreaming of.

I wanted to step out of that abusive relationship, but our playful universe was in the mood to step in and challenge me more.

I became pregnant at the age of 22, and I was devastated. All I could do was cry about it, and it felt like I was carrying the world on my shoulders.

My dreams shattered into tiny pieces. The more I thought about my pregnancy, the more I was turning my dreams into sand. At one point, I came to a moment of realization and told myself that I could build another set of dreams by building a sand castle with that sand.

From that moment, I learned to turn my chaos into a blessing.

Battling my demons

My family is Christian, so they decided to marry us for the sake of reputation. They meant well and had no idea what I was going through.

Abortion is considered a sin in my country, the Philippines, so I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare. I tried my very best to deal with the situation and had high hopes that the tables could turn. I faked things for so long. I continued the pregnancy with the thought of the life inside me being so innocent and precious.

As I was dealing with the pregnancy, nothing changed. Things were still the same. Abuse was always just around the corner waiting for me.

I had curfews. I was deprived of family support. I wanted to ask for help, but the fear prevailed. I feared being beaten and I didn’t want to harm the little human inside me.

I was so alone in that battle. It wasn’t just an ordinary battle. It was a battle against someone who was meant to be my ally. But the battle against my demons was unbearable.

I started developing self-hatred. I hated myself more than I hated someone abusing me. It was tough but I wanted to keep fighting. Thankfully, I was able to keep my grip on that slither of hope I had in my heart.

I gave birth to a healthy baby boy and finally, I found love again, but what was lying ahead haunted me.

Growing up, my son witnessed the abuse. My son saw me crying so many times, and he would also cry every time I was in pain. I didn’t want him to have a broken family, but I felt like I was causing his trauma.

My son would run to his room and cover himself with his blanket while covering his ears just to escape from something that he didn’t understand. Seeing my son cry made me ask myself, “What have I done?” He didn’t deserve this. It still haunts me up to this day.

How domestic abuse evolved into sexual abuse

I used to work as a supervisor for a telecommunications company. Have you ever gone to work wearing a jumper on a 39-degree day just to cover your bruises? Have you ever hyped a whole bunch of people with a high level of enthusiasm while your heart is breaking into pieces?

Did you ever have to coach a team and motivate them to maintain the good vibes while you’re living in pure hell? Everybody looks up to you, but in the back of your mind, you are praying for help. If you’ve experienced all of it and survived it, I salute you.

The abuse continued to get worse. Back in the house, I was often sexually abused. I was forced to do things that I didn’t want to do. I was fucked so many times while crying, then got beaten after for being ‘overdramatic’.

I was praying to all the gods, but I felt like I was never heard. One day, I just surrendered everything and accepted my fate. My fate is an abused woman who would only be free when one of us dies.

When I started rebelling

For the first time, I decided to stand up for myself. I told myself “No, I don’t deserve this. I deserve a better life. I need to do something about my situation!”

I learned to seek appreciation and attention from strangers online. It was comforting. I would tell them about my achievements and how my day was, and they responded to me the way I wanted them to.

It made me feel good about myself. One day, my husband checked my phone and found messages from strangers I was talking to. He was enraged, but in my mind, I was laughing like a villain.

That was the time I realized that I had developed a lot of personalities. Those personalities were helping me because they also wanted me to get out of the situation.

My husband beat me so hard. Punches and slaps landed on my body, but I couldn’t feel them. I wanted to thank him for turning me into a rock-hard woman. I know, he wanted to make me cry, but I couldn’t. Instead, I was smiling, and it pissed him off even more.

In a rage, he tore my clothes off until I was naked. My son was at my parent’s house at that time, and I’m glad he didn’t witness this.

My husband tried dragging me outside of the house with his cruel intention of humiliating me. He wanted to lock me out so neighbors could see me naked. As he was dragging me, I fought back with all my force. Since my arm was so sweaty and slippery, he lost his grip, and I was able to run back to the bedroom.

I hid under the bed. He grabbed a pole and started hitting me with it. He grabbed my leg, dragged me out, and beat me until he got tired.

That was the roughest night of my life, but that was the last night of torture. My last night with the monster whom I tolerated for twelve years.

The next morning, I decided to escape.

Escaping the situation

I made the decision to slip away, which I knew would have a huge impact on my son. I left without telling him why and only assumed that he would understand.

The last thing I wanted to do was leave him with this man, but even though he was a monster to me, he was a different person to my son. I felt selfish, but I knew I had to get out of this situation and reassess. I knew my son was loved by everyone including his father. I didn’t want him to keep seeing violence.

From that moment I knew that I would come back for him. I was hungry for a better life.

First, I had to stay at my work’s sleeping quarters just to have a bed.

Things were going okay until my ex-husband started to come to my workplace in the middle of the night, and made me look like the bad guy. He told everyone I cheated on him and that I was just running away from what I did.

My bruises were still fresh, so I went to the police to report the physical abuse. He didn’t know that I would sometimes go to the police station to record the abuse, so I had evidence of his deeds.

I could have locked him up in jail, but I didn’t want my son to grow up being bullied for having a convicted father.

I also stayed at friends’ houses. A few friends helped me, and some betrayed me. Some people I considered friends relayed information to my ex-husband, so I ended up quitting my job out of fear that he would find me. I went away for two months without any contact.

I decided to confront everything on my own. I didn’t want to hear any contradictions. I had enough of being controlled and I wanted to be in control of my life now. I wanted peace.

Processing my trauma

As I was starting to regain some control over my life, my emotions were also controlling me. I couldn’t stop thinking about my son. I would cry every night because of guilt. I told myself if something bad would happen to my son, I could never forgive myself.

I kept having nightmares, and the anxiety was ridiculous. I was haunted by intrusive memories and became extremely paranoid. I would fall asleep feeling guilty and woke up blaming myself.

During this time, I would self-harm and after a few minutes, feel guilty about it.

I was free but why could I not find a way out? I tried everything but nothing seemed to work.

At 9 p.m., I woke up from a dream that I was in a different city. A small city with beautiful, pristine, and unexploited beaches, inviting mountains surrounding it, and friendly witches around me.

The place was just so beautiful, it gave me goosebumps and made my heart beat so fast for excitement.

At that moment, I realized, I needed a new environment. I needed to travel, and I just got the sign from the universe. I wanted to go to that place, but I didn’t even know if it was a real place or not.

I looked on the internet and typed in ‘beaches mountains witches’, and I found the place that I was looking for!

It is the city called Siquijor in the Philippines. It’s a small island and it’s not that far from where I was. Just a 5-hour bus trip plus an hour ferry ride. I packed my bags an hour later, and left to the bus station without knowing if buses were running or not.

Creating a chapter of adventure and healing

After arriving at the bus station, all of the buses had left. Unfortunately, no late-night buses were going to where I wanted to go. I decided to wait out the night until the first bus left.

After about twenty minutes, I went to this little store at the side of the bus station and had coffee with the bus conductor. One of them asked me where I wanted to go. I told them my destination and that I was waiting for the first bus in the morning.

They were shocked when I muttered Siquijor. Siquijor is popularly known as the enchanted city of the Philippines. The city of magic, shamans, witches, and spells.

According to the bus conductor, I shouldn’t go there alone as it is a dangerous place for a little lady like myself. Witches might cast spells on me, and I might not be able to get back home.

Instead of being scared, my level of interest in that majestic city rose. My new friends told me that there was another bus going to a city down south that could drop me off at my destination. It was fully booked and leaving in thirty minutes, but they could sneak me in.

They organized everything for me. To my surprise, my ticket was discounted! They said the bus driver would drop me off in front of a 24-hour fast-food chain so I could be safe.

My new friends and I said goodbye to each other. I just witnessed the most beautiful art of letting go, and I couldn’t help but let the tears I was trying to hold back fall.

For the first time in my life, I felt supported. Not by someone I know, but by people I just met over a late-night coffee. We didn’t even get each other’s names.

Finally, I got settled on the bus. As the bus started to move, I saw my friends waving goodbye and blowing kisses for good luck from afar. That was a good feeling.

I had good conversations with strangers. I put my trust in them and they didn’t take advantage of me. At that point, I realized that not everyone has bad intentions.

My perspectives have changed for the better, and I felt more inspired to meet new people and meet my better self.

My trip to Siquijor

I arrived in Siquijor the next day. I fell in love with the place at first sight and had the feeling of being in a safe zone which is very contradicting to what my friends have told me.

I stayed on the island for a week and saw some interesting things such as potions and spells. So I asked some people I met about witchcraft. They told me that it could be real, with smiles on their faces, and it would depend on the amount of belief you have.

I’ve also heard about this ritual that witches facilitate for people going through difficult situations. It tickled my curiosity. I wanted to know if these things were true, and the only way to find out was to experience it.

I experienced a ritual facilitated by a witch. The important thing is, that here I am, still alive. Not a frog or a bug. Still human, but a wiser human.

That interesting experience changed my perspectives towards spirituality and made me realize that I was blinded by society my whole life.

I wrote an article about this witchcraft ceremony that you can read here.

I kept traveling around the country and became addicted to catching late-night buses. Sometimes, I would just pick a random place and go straight to the bus station.

I went to many different places alone, spending a lot of time on the beach and in the mountains. I became closer to nature, and things just kept changing.

Nature became my ally and the best support I’ve ever had. There were times of panic attacks and intrusive memories, but dealing with them became easier with time.

As of this writing, I am happily living my life venturing this chaotic but beautiful world. I am in Vietnam traveling and teaching English. I love what I’m doing as besides teaching the language, I get to teach my students about life.

About my son, he is in good hands and he understands why I had to leave.

We always talk on the phone like best friends. He also has a good relationship with his father and this is the reason why I did not file a case against the man I used to call my husband.

Life has never been perfect since I decided to leave my own country, but it is more meaningful now. I have my rainy days, but since I have a better understanding of how to manage this pain.

I’m using the gift the universe gave me, which is freedom. I’m finally free from grudges, hatred, and most especially abuse.

What domestic abuse has taught me

When we are dealing with something, we should allow ourselves to confront it, no matter how difficult it is. I used to always question my emotions until I realized the unhealthy effects of it.

Sit with your emotions. Just allow yourself to feel them. Instead of depriving yourself of feeling those emotions, succumb to them. This is what I repeatedly did to finally get to the point of acceptance.

If you want to cry, go curl up in bed and cry. If you’re angry, just let yourself be angry and let it out. We can only delay it but there’s no way to bypass pain.

You have to trust the process, and part of the process is to get hit by emotions. It would feel like fire, sometimes, a storm or tsunami, but never forget, it’s only temporary.

Understand that anger is your ally

There’s something I have learned about anger along this journey. Anger has a bad connotation, but if we dig deeper into anger, it can be a friend.

Why does anger exist? Why do we need to feel it? What is its purpose?

I used to avoid anger, but avoiding anger only made things worse for me, so I decided to get to know the angry side of me more and give it love. I embraced it, and it made me realize that it is an important part of me. Anger acknowledges abuse and tells me that mistreatment is unacceptable.

Developing a much better understanding of your anger is a good way of dealing with it. As long as you are not taking it out on someone else or yourself, you’ll be fine. Feeling angry is healthy. Feeling your emotions is healthy.

Let’s practice not depriving ourselves of feeling what we need to feel. Let’s deal with our emotions and we should start considering them as friends that need to linger on for a moment to make us feel better.

Use your past lessons to develop the new you

Apart from confronting my emotions, I gave up the idea of finding myself.

Finding ourselves is an illusion. We never lose ourselves. We only develop different personalities that change us. It’s just that we are more capable of nurturing some of our toxic ones, and that’s why we get in trouble.

In this particular situation, I gave up the old me who was a coward, weak, vulnerable. I started molding a different version of myself which is the opposite of the old one.

I don’t like the person I was yesterday and I don’t have to keep holding onto her. Every day I have the chance to better my personality. Technology is innovating and upgrading rapidly, so why not humans?

I don’t hate the old me. I love her, but I needed to leave her behind for the better. Her journey is over but she will never be forgotten. I am what I am now because of her. Always remember, we develop and evolve ourselves. It’s just a matter of who we are trying to be.

Use your pain to find direction in your life

Instead of spending so much time and effort finding myself, I focused on finding my purpose.

Why did I have to experience abuse? Why do we have harsh experiences? Too many questions but I know that the answers are buried somewhere close. We just have to keep digging.

Most of the time, we are confused and miserable not because we couldn’t find ourselves. We are here for a purpose, but we tend to take it for granted and not consider it as a priority because our survival instincts speak the loudest.

People like to listen to others instead of their intuition. We spend a lot of time scrolling on social media which only feeds our egos. Then, we feel more insecure, confused, and miserable until the thought of having a mission in this world fades away.

So we just totally neglect our spiritual gifts. Why can’t a human just feed his soul and not his ego?

Finding my purpose and taking my time helped me turn my chaos into a blessing. I was too busy finding my purpose in life, that I forgot that I was broken, and still dealing with the effects of abuse.

I don’t want to say I’m over it because we can never fully get over such a painful experience. Bad experiences lead us to our better selves. They are parts of us that would repeatedly remind us of our mistakes in life. I’d rather say, I have moved on, and I keep healing!

Rebuild faith and hope by using trauma as a gift

I started doing spiritual practices, such as yoga and meditation. My relationship with the universe also started to grow stronger. Due to this, I learned how to listen to my intuition by trusting myself.

There I found the meaning of my existence by focusing on what she wanted me to do instead of questioning her about my chaotic life.

I learned my lessons the hard way, but it’s all worth it in the end.

It took me a long time to realize that the universe wants me to use my chaos as my power. She wants me to use it to my advantage. Now, I understand that the universe picked me as one of her favorite warriors.

I spared a lot of people who would have lost their minds or lives if they were in my position. I don’t have regrets anymore. Instead, I feel proud of myself.

The universe knows the strong ones who can handle things very well. If you’re going through something that you think you can’t handle, just remember that the universe handpicked you because you have the courage, and she believes in you.

You are extraordinary and a superhero. All you need to do is trust the process and of course, trust yourself.

Embrace change to heal from abuse and hardship

I also find embracing change a very vital part of dealing with something heavy like the effects of abuse.

Change doesn’t heal abuse, but it helps. Change is something we usually avoid due to fear of losing the comfort or fear of failing, not realizing that without change, we’re stuck in a particular situation.

We always have to keep in mind that change is not an enemy.

We can’t proceed to evolve without change. Innovation is not possible without change. When are you going to get out of your comfort zone? Wouldn’t you want that heavy baggage you are carrying to soon turn into something as light as a feather?

Don’t be afraid of going through the process of change. Believe me, change from a shitty situation is a wonderful thing. The more you embrace change, the smoother it is going to be.

Forgive, let go, and move forward

I have learned to forgive those people who did me wrong. I do not wish something bad to happen to them.

I do believe in god, the universe, and karma. We reincarnate, and whatever we have sown in our past lives is what we will be reaping in our next lives.

Dealing with abuse is not easy. If you’re going through something, it is important to be patient. Take your time and never rush things.

There is no point in accelerating if it only means you’ll miss the highlights you should witness and the lessons you should learn.

Remember, you are a work in progress. Always have been and always will be.

Healing is a continuous process

It’s been over four years since the separation, and I’m still healing.

As I was writing some of the parts of this article, I couldn’t stop myself from becoming emotional at times. I had to take numerous pauses just to breathe and allow myself to be emotional, which signifies that I am getting better and better at dealing with my emotions.

I will never get tired of saying that our emotions are our allies.

In terms of finding your purpose, it may take you a long time to find it. To tell you honestly, it was just recently that I started to see a vivid picture of my purpose in this world.

I want to give hope to those who are going through similar situations. The universe wants me to share my experiences and the lessons I have learned from them, to help people raise their voices if they are shut.

She wants me to help those who are being abused and going through the effects of abuse. She wants me to spread the words and lessons she taught me.

I’m not an expert at this, and I can’t speak for everyone with the same experience. All I know is that, perhaps, this can be someone’s survival guide someday.

Be grateful for the little things

In the past, I felt ashamed of myself for being broken. I did not want to talk about my experiences because I was scared of being judged. Now, I don’t care about what other people may say about me.

I’m proud to say, I’ve been through a lot of things that broke me. Yes, they broke me, but they made me grow and brought me to where I am now. I was abused, I have survived that storm, and that is something I want to celebrate every day of my life.

Life will never be perfect but it can be beautiful and meaningful. If you’re broken like I was, don’t be ashamed. Be proud of it because you are extraordinary and you are something. You’re not perfect, just like life, but you are beautiful, also like life.

31 May 2021