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How often do you find yourself in conversations with people who have a lot to say, but show no interest in listening? So you zone out to their rambles while every attempt to sneak in a sentence is interrupted by more words that are now falling on deaf ears.
It’s not hard to get bored in conversations when people only talk about themselves. In fact, it’s the best way to kill any inkling of rapport and keep the person at arm’s length.
When people don’t ask you questions or show interest in your life, the conversation becomes stale very quickly. Don’t you hate that? But if it tells you anything, it’s that people sure love to talk about themselves, and maybe, you unconsciously do it too.
So how can you hijack this deep longing for importance to work in your favor? How do you make people feel important, which in turn helps you come across as a people person and allows you to establish friendships very quickly?
It’s simple, you encourage people to talk about themselves and engage in the conversation. If you do this, you’re already leagues ahead of most people, because most people are so caught in the chase for approval, that they forget they’re not the only ones in the room.
Welcome to the conversational spotlight technique. Anyone who wants to create wholesome connections must learn this simple skill; to listen.
The conversational spotlight: Giving others your undivided attention
The conversational spotlight is a metaphor for letting other people be the point of focus during a conversation. Like they’ve got a spotlight on them, you’re letting them perform, and baring witness.
In simpler terms, the conversational spotlight technique is to let people speak their minds undisrupted and give them your full undivided attention – which makes them feel acknowledged.
Most of us are conditioned to listen with our mouths. We blabber on and attempt to soak up as much recognition as we can because we crave that validation. That recognition makes us feel all warm and tingly like we’re important. But so often, we need to compete for that attention.
So when you start hearing people out, it becomes obvious just how starved for attention everyone is. This is your golden ticket to show people that you want to listen to their story. When people see that you aren’t just listening to them to be polite, but you want to hear what they have to say, it’s a game changer for your social relationships.
Active listening skills are critical to social success
Learning the conversational spotlight technique is really important if you want to master your social skills because the best conversationalists also tend to be great listeners.
To be a good conversationalist, you don’t need to be very interesting or tell the most captivating stories. Being a good conversationalist is about being present with the person you’re speaking with, and showing interest in their life.
Great conversationalists are experts at holding space and making other people feel heard. They don’t need to compete for the spotlight or feel the need to validate themselves. They give their energy to others, and people return that with respect.
Everyone wants to feel important
Feeling important is one of the biggest needs we have, and people tend to forget about others in an attempt to validate themselves. But how often do people allow someone to fulfill this desire, without jumping in and competing for the spotlight? It doesn’t happen very much.
Therefore, if you use the conversational spotlight technique with the people you’re interested in talking to, it acts as a really powerful tool to provide the validation that people crave. The best part about this technique is that you don’t need to do anything, besides listen and be attentive.
In saying that, the conversational spotlight is also a highway to building rapport with someone. It cultivates deeper friendships because people feel like you care about them, which doesn’t happen much in the fast-paced, self-centered society we find ourselves straggling around in.
Becoming a good listener
Many people feel frustrated with their social interactions because other people don’t take the time to listen to them.
I’ve been there many times, I bet you have too. You really want to talk about something interesting in your life, but it seems unwarranted, and nobody cares.
So when you take the initiative to let other people talk about themselves, it’s absolutely a refreshing change. When you feel unacknowledged in your social interactions, it feels like people make the formalities, but it’s just to be polite. A deeper layer to the interaction is absent.
You feel like you’re second best to the person, and this doesn’t set a good impression on the person you’re talking to. So you end up politely bowing out of the conversation and moving on to something that feels more wholesome.
People aren’t necessarily trying to be rude or come off as unwelcoming. They are often just caught in their own need to seek approval, and this is validated by them talking about themselves.
Think about times when this happens to you, how do you feel? Think about times when other people have listened to you completely, without judging you or trying to rush you. There’s probably a big difference in how fulfilled you were, and what the interaction meant to you personally.
So as a good conversationalist who is looking for deeper, fulfilling connections, it’s your responsibility to break people out of this loop. The only way to do that is to stop competing and to give them your full attention.
Listening intentely established trust
By giving the conversational spotlight, people think ‘Oh wow, this person cares about what I’m saying.’ In turn, they care about you more. This leads to more trust and a sense of camaraderie between the two of you.
You’ll find that people tend to open up to you more when you listen to them. They often end up telling you more than they tend to tell most people they meet because you cultivate trust. Cultivating trust is an essential pillar in establishing a good, solid connection with someone, and will help you get to know the person better.
When you show interest in someone’s life, it earns you a lot of respect. The reason for this is because people open up to you. When you acknowledge them as human beings, you gain a more three-dimensional window into who they are. This creates authenticity. People respect authenticity because so many people are faking it.
If someone listens to you unconditionally while you tell them about your life story, you’re probably going to respect them a lot more for doing so too. So of course, it works the other way around.
How to become a good listener
One way to effectively use the conversational spotlight is to ask open-ended questions.
You want to open the person up and get them talking. Often, you need to get the motor going. They’re not just going to open up to you immediately because they’re going to assume you’re like most other people who aren’t interested in their story.
That’s why you need to show them that you’re going to listen to them – by asking questions about their life. These types of questions encourage the other person to share more about their thoughts and feelings, rather than just giving a simple yes or no answer.
Instead of asking ‘Do you like to travel‘, ask something with a little more depth such as ‘Why do you like to travel?‘ Pry the person open to access the juicy information inside. Once they see that you’re curious about them and want to know more, they’re more than likely to take it from there.
Hold the space
To really use the conversational spotlight well, you need to become good at holding space. Holding space means that you set the tone for the interaction, and become a stable presence for someone to express themselves to.
This means you don’t combat, or get triggered, or emotional, but you provide a safe, comforting atmosphere for someone to open up to you. Essentially, you just need to be a pillar that the person feels safe around and witness them while they express whatever they need to.
Don’t jump in, interject or interrupt. Don’t story top or try to prove yourself. Remain silent while they’re talking, and let them get everything off their mind, then talk afterward.
Validate the person
Validate the person you’re talking with by acknowledging what they say and responding to things. If they tell you that they’ve been going through some stuff, show compassion and understanding. Tell them that you understand, and relate to them.
If they have a wild story, show your amazement and make them feel like they’re telling someone who is really interested. Say things like…
‘Oh wow, I can’t believe you did that‘, or ‘I’m sorry you went through that, you must be a strong person‘. Otherwise, when they’re speaking, nod your head regularly and visibly show them that you’re following.
Of course, you don’t want to fake it, but practice the skill of social calibration to get on their wavelength, and don’t forget to validate what they’re saying.
Give your undivided attention
To be good with people, you must understand that people have to feel good around you. People associate the feelings that they have around you, with you. So be present with the person, and don’t think about other things.
There is no better way for someone to feel comfortable with you, than to listen to them, and give them your undivided attention. Be there with them completely and remember that it’s not about you, it’s about them.
You must remain engaged in the conversation. Acknowledge and process everything the other person says. Don’t tune out and have their words fall on deaf ears. Respond to their comments, questions, and remarks. Offer advice if necessary. Relate your own stories and life experiences, but don’t take the spotlight.
Start practicing active listening with every opportunity you get, then watch how easy it is to build people’s trust and comfort with you.